Revenge of the Dan
by DarthMarth
Summary: The direct sequel to my first story. What craziness will ensue when characters start switching personalities? Will Dan destroy them all in his quest for revenge? My second fic ever; please R&R! The final chapter, 17, is up!
1. Chapter 1: Do the Spirit Shuffle

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the First-Do the Spirit Shuffle

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_

_Previously on Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s): Dan the Tactician, assisted by his official player's guide, had reached Chapter 27, Victory or Death. His objectives: win the chapter and finally kill that terrible experience hog Marcus off. Unfortunately, his plans went awry as usual. His northern battle group got mostly turned into animals due to Nino's meddling, the flyers spent hundreds of thousands of gold in a misunderstanding to the south, and Marcus just wouldn't die, quickly mowing through the enemy armor and the now-furry northern battle group. Dan tried various long-range means to stop Marcus, but when nothing worked, he hastily handed Wil the title of Tactician and rushed off carrying various sharp objects to put an end to Marcus' heroics. After Marcus slaid Linus and got yet another no-stat level-up, Dan grew enraged and engaged Marcus in an epic swordfight, which the Tactician eventually won, only to explode in pure rage when the flyers arrived and showed him the bill...

* * *

_

"Bye, Eliwood!" Wil yelled as he waved to the Lord, who was now shackled on his hands and feet. "Sorry I had to sell you into slavery forever to pay off the debt!"

"Lousy Tacticians, no respect for Lords, improper hygiene..." Eliwood muttered, fuming.

"Great, now we can finally keep all this loot!" Heath exclaimed. He dumped the various weapons he'd been carrying on the ground; Fiora did the same with her tomes and staves, and Florina with her various healing items.

"Let's see..." Fiora said, looking through the loot. "Hm, here are some iron weapons... Fire and Thunder Tomes...Shine...a heal Staff..."

"OOH! OOH! OOH!" The party's sole remaining magic user ran around the pile in excitement, jumping up and down and screeching loud enough to force everyone to cover their ears. "No WAY did you get one of these! Omigosh!"

"Uh...one of what?" Florina asked, confused and more than a little weirded out by Serra's outburst.

"A Life Staff! One of the weird books Dan had says they're from another world! They can bring back the dead!"

"Really?" Lyn said, impressed. "Quick, let's use it on everyone that died here!"

"And then have the weddings!" Wil shouted out of nowhere, making everyone look at him incredulously. "What?"

* * *

Later, they finally reached Nino's corpse.

"EEEW!" Serra screeched. "She's all gross! Put her away!"

"You're supposed to heal her! Get to it!" Lyn said angrily.

"Uh, okay..." Serra made a show of holding her nose and turning away from Nino as she held up the staff and used it. Nino's body shone brilliantly and was raised by an invisible force.

"Cool!" Wil exclaimed; everyone looked at him sternly. "What?"

Slowly, Nino's eyes opened and she spoke. "Hey, what the-? What happened? Why am I here?"

"...you aren't Nino, are you?" Kent ventured, looking confused.

"Of course not, I'm Hector! Hector! ...hey, why am I so short?" Nino/Hector looked down at her/his body and gave a piercing shriek that made even Serra look hoarse. (Though that didn't prevent the pink-haired Bishop from joining in as she realized what had happened)

"What the-? How did Hector get in Nino's body?" Heath asked, hoping someone knew. Luckily, Bartre did. He walked up thumbing through a thick tome about life and death, wearing small reading glasses and looking completely out of character.

"Let's see, here it says that the spirits of the dead briefly perform a dance called the 'Spirit Shuffle' after dying," he read.

"Oh, the Spirit Shuffle?" Wil spoke up. "Does it go something like...this?" He promptly began pathetically trying to do a hip-hop beat and sing at the same time while moonwalking, making everyone stare at him even more incredulously.

"Quit the weird dancing and find out how to get my body back!" Nino/Hector yelled, grabbing Wil and forcing him to stop.

Bartre continued patiently. "Anyway, if a way is somehow found to revive the dead, it's likely that theirs spirits will have switched places in the midst of the Spirit Shuffle."

"Wow, you really do know a lot about magic," Lyn commented.

"So..." Heath said, half to himself. "If the spirits switch bodies as long as the person is dead, then I just have to..." He trailed off and drew his lance, then without warning impaled Nino/Hector.

"What are you doing?" Lyn shouted.

"EEEEEW! GUH-ROSS!" Serra screeched at the sight of the blood and frantically checked her dress to make sure nothing had splattered on it.

"Well, revive her again! Maybe she'll be back to normal!"

"Good plan," Bartre commented. Even more melodramatically than before, Serra looked away from the corpse and held her nose as she raised the Life Staff again.

Nino slowly got to her feet again and looked around. "Oh...where...am I?"

"Priscilla?" Lyn asked.

"Oh, yes..." Nino/Priscilla replied.

"I didn't know she died," Lyn commented.

"Wrong again!" Heath cut in. "Time to-"

Raven cut him off. "No, this is better than before." He took Nino/Priscilla/s hand and they walked off together, gazing into each other's eyes. Everyone stared for several moments until Wil, as usual, broke the silence.

"This sure is awkward."

"Uh...yeah," Lyn said. "Let's get back to reviving."

"Aohhh..." Serra groaned, not bothering to hide her disdain for corpses.

* * *

An hour or two later, they'd managed to find and revive everyone. Since Serra had stopped Heath from killing anyone off anymore, the "Spirit Shuffle" was causing chaos. Hector/Nino ran around laughing his head off and playing with the horses' tails, Sain/Erk baffled everyone with his complete loss of interest in girls, Canas/Hector managed to get into (and pathetically lose) a fistfight with Bartre, Erk/Canas was mostly unchanged except for his increased sociability, and Priscilla/Sain went into a deep depression over no longer being able to woo any of the ladies of the party. Only Marcus managed to get his own spirit back, and he insisted on retiring and replacing Wil, ending his short and pathetic career as a Tactician. (But not as an announcer for random events of all kinds) The party continued to make its way across Elibe, unaware of any of the sinister plans the writer had in store for them...

* * *

Somewhere, sometime, someone hatched a plan of unknown morality. Someone cast a spell of fluctuating light intensity to do something.

Someone screamed.

* * *

_What the heck was that last part? What sinister, mysterious plans am I...uh, planning? Will this new craziness cause untold havoc among the party? Is this the most overused plot twist ever? How did Serra become a Bishop while fainting at the sight of blood? And just how do you do the Spirit Shuffle, anyway? Find out in the next chapter!_

**Here it is, the first chapter of my second story! Please R&R! Seriously, is that plot twist way too overused?**

**Eliwood: I'll say.**

**Shut it, you biased Lord. Hector is better than you. Get back to uselessly attempting to split rocks.**

**Eliwood: I really do hate you.**

**Wil: Can we have the weddings now?**

_**There are no weddings!**_

**Wil: I don't even miss my job anymore...**

**Eliwood: Read and review, peoples!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Blood Test of the Ages

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Second-The Blood Test of the Ages

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_

Every party member save those affected by the spirit shuffle entered the innermost room of the Shrine of Seals. (Tactician Marcus, as he'd become known, didn't want to risk failure at this crucial moment) They all centered their attention on a rectangular altar at the far end with a great sword sitting on top: the Durandel.

"Oh, man!" Wil exclaimed, breaking the solemn silence. This place is pathetically undermanned! Even that crazy shirtless axe-wielder I could sort of see through was easy!

"Quiet!" Lyn exclaimed as they walked up the steps to where the Durandel lay. The spirit form of a young man materialized above it.

"Eliwood..." the spirit of Roland said in an echoing voice. "Where is my descendent, Eliwood?"

"Uh, yeah, we kind of sold him into slavery to pay off our massive debts, oh mighty ancient hero sir," Wil said fearlessly. "Sorry."

"What? Nooooooo!" the spirit of Roland sank to his knees and gave out a piercing cry of despair. "You have doomed the world to destruction! The dragons will rise again thanks to your idiocy!"

"Hey, if I killed Florina here," Heath said, pulling her up and causing her to shriek and attempt to wiggle out of his grip, "could you enter her body? 'Cause that would be cool!" The spirit (and Florina) wailed again; Fiora ran up, smacked Heath, and took her sister.

"Could someone else wield the Durandel?" Marcus said, hobbling up. (He was physically sound after being resurrected, but limping had become an ingrained habit for him)

"Perhaps..." Roland said, turning to him. "But he...or she...must be my descendent, must have my blood in his veins!"

"Or her arteries," Lyn corrected.

"Right, right."

"How do we know who is your descendent?" Kent asked.

"There is only one way," Roland said, a smirk growing on his face. "You must use The Blood Test of the Ages!"

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Lyn said.

* * *

A few hours later, the party had been walked through obtaining The Blood Test by Roland from a nearby, smaller shrine.

"Interesting," Bartre said, intently studying the box that they had found. It was made of featureless metal, save for a glass panel on the top and a tiny hole on the side. "Very interesting..."

"I like this one more!" Heath said, playing around with some kind of tube attached to a tiny needle and a plunger. "This thing is an even cooler weapon than the Durandel!"

* * *

A few more hours later, they'd returned to the Shrine of Seals.

"Okay, oh ancient spirit guy," Wil said with none of the unusual respect. "We have the blood test!"

"The Blood Test of the Ages!" Roland roared in correction. "Now, to use it. I must warn you, this process is only for the most hardened, toughest, most battle-worn warriors in your group! Few can stand up to...the needle!" He chuckled sinisterly.

"Very well," Oswin said stepping up, not a trace of fear on his careworn face. "I shall be the first...to be tested. I am ready for any physical pain your device can induce."

"OW! OW! OW! OOOOWIE! Make it stop! Owowowowow! Waahh!" Five minutes later, Oswin squirmed around uncontrollably as Lyn used the needle on his arm and Bartre and Dorcas held it down. Tears formed in his eyes and he grimaced hilariously. "Ow! Owowowowowow! Eeeeeeeeee!" Serra joined in, just as loud, as Lyn drew some of Oswin's blood for the test.

"There, all done," Lyn said as soothingly as possible. As soon as she took the needle out, Oswin's face returned to its stonelike state as if nothing had happened. "Now, I just put the needle in here..." She inserted it into the tiny hole and pushed the plunger. The glass screen on the top lit up red and a buzzing sound was heard.

"...what does that mean?" Oswin asked.

"That you are not my descendent!" Roland said. "Next!" Oswin slumped off, disappointed at enduring the agony for nothing. Everyone else stood still, completely intimidated after seeing what the Blood Test did to their toughest warrior. Eventually, Dorcas volunteered to be tested.

* * *

Several hours later, they still hadn't found anyone, though they had been treated various amusing shows by some of the party members. (Dart and Hawkeye, the two Berserkers and strongest members on the party, had been especially funny) Roland was still chuckling as Raven sat down, clutching his arm. Now only timid Florina was left, backed into a corner and refusing to let anyone near her until they put the needle away. (They'd managed to test Serra with a series of elaborate distractions and a few heavy blows to the head)

"Come on, Florina," Fiora said, as reassuringly as possible. (Which wasn't very reassuring, since she'd already been injected) "It's not so bad."

"Yes it is!" Wil yelled, running up and clutching his arm, making her shriek and cry even harder. "DON'T DO IT!"

"Wil!" Lyn yelled, dragging him off. "Stop terrifying her!"

Fiora walked up to Lyn. "I have an idea," she said. "Follow my lead." She returned to Florina. "Oh, Florina, I should have remembered to tell you earlier..." she said, looking as remorseful as possible. "Before the last battle, I finally managed to find a perfect suitor for you!" She went back to the crowd and dragged Oswin out. "You don't have to take the blood test now! If it works, you'll be a noble, and you can't marry him!"

Florina's eyes widened and she dashed to the spot everyone had sat on for he blood test, holding her arm out.

"That's a good Florina," Lyn said soothingly. The young girl bit her lip and turned away as Lyn slowly prepared herself and injected her. Everyone stopped to see what her reaction would be.

"Uh...y-you can do it now..." Florina said, terrified. She slowly turned back and gasped as she saw that the needle was already full. Serra screamed. Again.

"Amazing!' Roland exclaimed. "Her tolerance for pain is legendarily high!" Lyn inserted the needle in the tiny hole yet again; this time, the screen flashed green and a small bell inside the box rang.

"Wait, that must mean..." Lyn trailed off; Florina turned red and tried to become as small as possible as all eyes turned to her.

"What?" Fiora exclaimed. "How can she be a descendent of Roland, but...not...me? Wait...that explains the...basket..." she trailed off, then ran out of the Shrine, sobbing.

"You are my true descendent, little girl!" Roland cried, making Florina flinch at the noise. "Go, and draw the sacred Durandel from its resting place!"

She slowly walked up the steps, almost petrified, and took the sword with both hands. She tried to lift it, but couldn't as she strained.

"...shouldn't she be able to draw it?" Lyn asked.

"Yes, it's just really heavy," Roland said. "I really wanted a knife." In the background, Florina managed to get the sword off the pedestal...and onto the steps. It fell down each of them with a deafening _clang_.

"S-Sorry!" she said, blushing at the attention she was now receiving and the show she was making of trying to even lift the Durandel.

* * *

A while later, the troops gathered back outside, only to be met by a frantic Merlinus, who complained that "Hector" had tried to eat his tent, and then set it on fire! Meanwhile, "Nino" had actually unsuccessfully attempted to put the fire out, "Sain" and "Erk" had spent the whole time quietly reading _The Unabridged History of Blast Beetles_, "Canas" had set to devouring an entire turkey, and "Priscilla" and Fiora had both gone to Bartre for some counseling.

An evil laugh followed by a scream echoed across the land...

* * *

_What is going on with these last parts? Will Florina manage to wield the Durandel and save the world? Why is her pain tolerance higher than Oswin's? Is Fiora adopted? Is no book safe from the onslaught of Sain and Erk? Find out in chapter 3!_

**That's the second chapter! R&R, peoples!**

**Eliwood: I can't believe I'm a slave instead of the big hero guy!**

**Get back to work.**

**Eliwood: Seriously, _Florina?_ And everyone calls me a sissy!**

**Yeah, it's true. Leave me alone.**

**Wil: Come on, when are the weddings?**

**Shut up about that!**


	3. Chapter 3: Mixed Vegetables

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Third-Mixed Vegetables

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_

Nergal couldn't have been more satisfied with his new evil plot. He's ensnared the most angry spirits of the dead from all over Elibe like a carnivorous plant drawing in its meals and fashioned them into morphs with superhuman abilities powered by pure hatred, unlike the emotionless, blindly obedient morphs he'd used earlier. He paced back and forth, addressing his newest and greatest creation. "Whom do you serve?"

"You." The morph said in a low voice.

"Wrong-o!" Nergal gave the morph a quick snap of dark magic. "Whom do you serve?"

"Lord Nergal."

"Better. Why have I created you?"

"So seek revenge on those who made my life living agony."

"And...?"

"To fetch your snacks." The morph handed Nergal a bag of chips, which he immediately started wolfing down.

"Munch...chomp...mm, what will you do to accomplish this?"

"Kill them all," the morph said, a sadistic smile heard on its voice.

"And one last thing...what is my favorite color?" The morph remained silent. "Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's purple. Now...go and fulfill your mission...kill those wandering fools to stop their meddling once and for all!"

The morph raised its hooded head, revealing a face identical to the late Tactician's with gleaming yellow eyes and a pale complexion. "Gladly." It turned and walked away, then levitated off, its black cloak billowing behind it like the wings of an enormous bat. Those fools had no idea what they were in for. Soon...they would all die.

* * *

"Oh, you're all gonna die!" Wil yelled, laughing his head off as he, "Hector," Rebecca, and Heath played some kind of four-player pinball on an ingenious wooden contraption created by "Erk." "My score is, like, through the roof!"

"What roof? Tee hee hee hee!" "Hector" giggled extremely uncharacteristically at his lame joke.

"This is gonna take some getting used to," Rebecca groaned.

* * *

Meanwhile, Florina continued to struggle in her tent, attempting to lift at least one end of the Durandel.

"This is hopeless..." she sniffled, wondering how she would ever save the world if she couldn't even lift her weapon.

As if to answer her, Lyn entered the tent, looking upbeat. "Florina, I know you're worried about being the heroine of Lycia and all, but I have good news!"

"...you saved a lot of gold on your horse insurance?" Florina ventured.

"Of course not, silly! I found three people who can help train you! Come on in!"

Three more people filed into the tent as Lyn said their names.

"For helping to train your strength...Dart!" The muscle-bound Berserker walked in carrying his enormous Killer Axe. Florina flinched; the idea of working out with him was less than pleasant. Hopefully the other two people would be women.

"Next, for general physical fitness, Wallace!" The armor-covered General lumbered into the tent, taking up even more space than Dart. Florina gasped. Not only was she afraid of Wallace, but Sain, Kent, and Wil had all told horror stories about the incredibly difficult training sessions he gave. At least things couldn't get any worse...

The third person Lyn called in proved her wrong. "And for training your swordsmanship...Karel!" The psychotic Swordmaster walked in quietly, staring at Florina maniacally. She tried to hide from him behind Lyn, trembling uncontrollably.

He spoke quietly but with total authority. "Somehow, sooner or later...I will kill you." She whimpered.

"I have a good feeling about this!" Lyn said, mostly to herself.

* * *

Florina's training with Dart and Wallace was disastrous. Dart's training had consisted of having her attempt to lift increasingly light objects. She felt exhausted after doing several hundred lifts with a Steel Lance, and weaker than ever since she had watched Dart actually bench-press Wallace in full armor with his amazing 30 strength the whole time. Her session with the armor-clad General had been even worse if possible; she was so used to riding on her Pegasus that she couldn't keep up with him even when wearing several hundred pounds less of armor. Unfortunately, Wallace didn't allow her to leave until her 300 laps around the camp were complete, by which time night was beginning to fall.

"That was a great training, Florina!" Wallace called as she stumbled away, almost too tired to walk, as if she had performed perfectly. "I'll see you at 0400 hours!" She felt slightly better; 400 hours of respite would give her a week or two to recover.

* * *

Several hours later, Florina approached Karel from behind, petrified with fear and wondering when her 400-hour break would be. He stood motionless in the woods, completely unreadable. She got right up behind him and, deciding not to tap his shoulder, prepared to say something. Before she could, he whipped around in the blink of an eye and drew his sword, aiming it directly at her neck, and yelled, "I KILL YOU!" She was too frightened to do anything, so she simply fainted on the spot.

* * *

Later, Florina woke up facing Karel, who had his blade directly over her neck and a maniacal smile on his face. She fainted again.

* * *

Much later, she woke up again. Much to her relief, Karel was nowhere in sight. She slowly got to her feet and looked around. As she did Karel leapt out of the bushes, looking even crazier than before and brandishing his sword. She fainted yet again.

* * *

Florina woke up and almost fainted. Luckily, she wasn't alone with the maniac this time. Lyn was simultaneously losing an intense swordfight with and giving a stern lecture to Karel about not being so hard on her friend.

"So I was saying..." Lyn grunted as she parried a lightning-quick slash from Karel. "...she needs special treatment! She's already-" She leapt back to avoid a powerful strike. "She's already terrified of men! If you keep being a psychopath..." Lyn and Karel locked their swords and tried to push each other's out of the way. "...you'll give her a heart attack or something!"

"Your point being?" Karel went crazy with more deadly slashes.

"Stop it!" Lyn said, sidestepping. "Or I'll let Serra loose on you!" Karel immediately stopped and became more respectful.

"Very well, woman. Your little friend is safe...for now."

"That'll do," Lyn said uneasily. She walked off, turning to intercept one more of Karel's attacks.

"All right, girl," Karel said in a low voice, through his teeth. "If you disobey me, you will die. If you complain, you will die. If you do not perform to my expectations, you will die. If you grow too powerful, you will die. If you ask questions, you will die. Any questions?"

Florina, too terrified by his morbid list to speak, simply shook her head.

"Smart," he muttered. "Now..._defend yourself!_" He drew his sword again in an instant and attacked, putting his sword to her neck yet again; she screamed.

"What are you doing?" Lyn yelled, running back.

"Oh, of course," Karel muttered. He drew a shorter sword from a scabbard on his back and tossed it to her; she leapt back to avoid the spinning blade, then quickly picked it up from the ground.

"That's not what I meant!" Lyn said. "Stop trying to kill her! Just...give her some basic training!"

"Very well..." Karel said, anger seething from his voice. "I hate basic..."

Two hours later, Florina had made little progress. After barely being able to swing even the short sword Karel had given her, he'd reduced her to attempting to perform basic slashes with a long stick.

"Wrong. You wound up too far. Perform to my expectations next time or I will kill you."

Florina flinched and whimpered. She was so terrified of the Swordmaster that even his completely empty threat held complete power over her.

"Wrong. You did not wind up enough. Perform to my expectations next time or I will kill you."

"Wrong. Your footing is uneven. Perform to my expectations next time or I will kill you."

"Wrong. You dropped the stick and hit me in the stomach. Perform up to my expectations next time or I will kill you..."

* * *

As night fell, a dark shape momentarily crossed the moon...

* * *

_Wil the resurrected Dan kill our heroes with pure rage? Is Florina completely hopeless? Will she make it out of Karel's training alive? Who is brave enough to stand up to the threat of Serra? Where do I get one of those 4-player pinball machines? And how do I save a lot of gold on my horse insurance? Am I running out of ideas for chapter ideas?Find out all this or not...next chapter!_

**That's the third chapter! Everyone R&R!**

**Wil: Haha, I pwn all y'allz at this game!**

**No one cares. Go away.**

**Wil: Are there even any weddings?**

**Florina: I can't do anything right...**

**Aw, sure you an. You can...uh...der...okay, you really can't. Good luck saving the world.**

**Florina: sob**

**Legault: Rate and review, everyone!**

**Hey, where'd you come from?**


	4. Chapter 4: Beware the Hyper Coffee

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Fourth-Beware the Hyper-Coffee

* * *

_

Dan the morph slipped into the pathetic tent his former party had used for an armory, an invisible shadow in the night. _This was too easy,_ he thought. _Not that that's a bad thing. _Sure, he could have simply slit everyone's throats while they slept and had them all dead by morning, but where would the fun have been in that? He wanted to ensure that each and every person that had served to torture his existence during his position as Tactician would pay. _Oh, they would pay dearly. _He took a Steel Axe from a wooden rack in the tent, then hefted it high and brought it down with force impossible for a human...

* * *

"EEEEEEK!" The piercing shriek of the distressed Serra woke everyone up in an instant. "Come quick! It's awful! EEEEEK!" She screeched once more for good measure. Merlinus ran in, huffing, puffing, and covering his ears.

"What is it? What's happened to my beautiful armory? It's-OH ELIMINE, NO!" he quickly ran to a table containing the Pure Waters Florina had bought in the battle outside the Shrine and put one that had been knocked over back in perfect alignment. "It's okay, daddy's gotcha," he said in his most counseling voice. Serra stared at him as though he'd committed a despicable crime.

"Not THAT! All my awesome Life staves have been snapped in two!"

"Oh? Oh my goodness!" Merlinus almost jumped out of his skin as he saw the damage that had been done. Metal shards were strewn about everywhere, and the shattered staves periodically emitted sparks.

"What's happening?" Lyn said as she walked in, looking sleepy.

"Someone smashed all my beautiful staves!' Serra screamed. "Do something!"

"Oh, no..."Lyn said. "This can only mean one thing..."

"No more Nabatan Roulette?" Hector/Nino said as he/she came in, looking disappointed.

"Okay, that. But also, someone has snuck into our camp! We're too vulnerable at night! Sain, Erk!" she said to the two magic users, who had conveniently just walked in. "We need to double-no, triple our night watch! Come up with some kind of hyper-stimulating potion to keep people alert!"

"Right away, milady," Erk/Canas said. Bartre also conveniently walked in and handed them a book entitled "Hyper-Stimulating Potions to Assist Night Watches," and the three immediately walked off, beginning to read.

"That axe man never ceases to amaze me..." Lyn said, staring after them.

* * *

"WHAT? Our Life staves have been destroyed?" Marcus yelled in his cozy Tactician's tent as Lyn relayed him the news.

"I'm afraid so, Tactician Marcus. We're already quadrupling our night watch to address the problem of nighttime assassins."

"Ugh, this is terrible!" Marcus cried. "Not being able to resurrect everyone...this changes things." He strained to lift a 2-foot tall stack of battle plans from his desk and tossed them into the conveniently located and extremely hazardous bonfire roaring in his tent.

* * *

After several more days, Florina's training sessions hadn't gotten any better. She was dreading today-Dart had promised her chin-ups, and then some more chin-ups. As usual, he made her feel completely helpless; she had to rest her arms for several minutes in between chin-ups, all the while watching Dart do one-handed ones with Wallace weighing him down in full armor. (30 strength is an amazing thing, after all)

"Hey, look at it this way," Wallace said happily. "You have to do half as many!" Both of them laughed uproariously as if he'd made the world's best joke, but it just made Florina feel worse.

Deciding that chin-ups were a great form of exercise, Wallace combined them with Florina's laps, rigging up an enormous bar to his armor and running alongside her, forcing her to either run full tilt or do even more chin-ups. As usual, the sun was setting by the time she finally finished, knowing that training with Karel would be even worse.

Also as usual, she was right. Karel had (finally!) decided that her horizontal slash had improved from abysmal to mediocre, and his death threats had become sparse...so he had her start with downward and upward strikes. The threats began anew, and she kept dropping her stick. Lyn had to intercede several more times when Karel threatened Florina to the point of tears; he'd supplemented his customary death threats with lethal sword strikes precisely pulled back at the last second to terrify her even futher. She finally finished late, and slumped down tiredly next to her sister for dinner.

* * *

"And now, for the first time ever, and, uh, ever, presenting..." Wil went on building the crowd's nonexistent excitement up, pretending to speak into a stick. "Our crazy trans-personality peoples, with their new cool names! Nector!"

"Yay!" Nino/Hector jumped up and down for joy. As Wil spoke each of the names, everyone politely clapped, then returned to eating dinner as though nothing had happened. Unfazed, Wil continued.

"Cerk!" he yelled next, pronouncing it like "Kirk." Erk/Canas gave a quick bow.

"Eddie!" Sain/Erk ignored him; general mutters of confusion were heard.

"Priscino!" Nino/Priscilla turned away from Raven momentarily.

"Hectas!" Canas/Hector jumped up and shouted "Wooo!" in a distinctly un-Canas-like way.

"And Sainzilla!" Priscilla/Sain sobbed even harder at having attention called to his/her confused state; Bartre comforted him/her in a distinctly un-Bartre-like way.

"Can we just eat?" 'Eddie' asked.

* * *

Afterward, everyone gathered around the mages' tent.

"Welcome to the new night watch!" Lyn addressed everyone. "It is our duty to keep this camp safe, secure, and...safe!"

"You said 'safe' twice," Heath commented.

"Quiet," Lyn cautioned. "Whoever has been sneaking around our camp could be anywhere!"

"You sure aren't being quiet," Heath continued. Lyn gave a quick hand signal; Kent walked up behind Heath and hit the back of his head as punishment.

"Okay, here is the potion," Cerk said, holding a bottle filled with brownish liquid. "I call it Hyper-Coffee."

"What's coffee?" Lyn asked, confused.

"I don't know. It's extremely concentrated, so everyone, take one drop. Any more, and you'll never sleep again," Cerk ended on an ominous note.

Kent, the long-timer in the night watch, was first. He put a drop into his milk and drank; almost immediately afterward, his eyes grew slightly wider and his hands began to tremble.

"Interesting," Kent said, his voice quavering slightly. After seeing its effect on the stoic Paladin, everyone else lined up nervously and began taking the potion.

"I must warn you," Eddie added. "It can tend to lead to...overexcitement." He got an illustration as Kent went nuts.

"DIE MOUSE DIE!" he shouted, whacking the ground around him with his sword. Everyone stared; Florina clung to her sister, wondering what the potion would do to her.

"It sure is lucky Nector's already in bed," Lyn said thankfully. The hyperactive Lord already had to be tied into bed each night, and they had kept the existence of the Hyper-Coffee a secret from him/her.

"So, who all is on the night watch now?" Hectas asked.

"You mean who _isn't_ on the night watch?" Lyn answered. Besides Nector, only Tactician Marcus and Serra (who claimed she needed her beauty rest) were in their tents; everyone else in the party was guarding them.

Contrary to what she'd been fearing, Florina didn't feel very different after a drop of the Hyper-Coffee in some water. She had a strange urge to fun and jump around like crazy, but her reserved nature kept it from rising to the surface. She held her lance in one hand and current training stick in the other; Karel, who had waived his right to the Hyper-Coffee and probably never really slept anyway, had taken to randomly attacking her, usually resulting in her humiliation.

As she'd expected, Karel lunged from behind another tent, his sword drawn and eyes crazed. She shrieked with fear and surprise, but surprisingly, almost reflexively, brought her lance and stick up in an X-shaped block. Karel's eyes actually registered surprise, as did everyone around her, impressed by the girl's incredibly fast action.

"Maybe it was the Hyper-Coffee..." She murmured to herself as Fiora and Lyn congratulated her and Karel walked off, cursing under his breath.

* * *

Dan chuckled as he watched the night watch from a tree, invisible in the shadows. _Those fools_, he thought for the hundredth time. With all of them guarding the perimeter of the camp, it would be only too easy to do whatever he pleased inside it. And he had the perfect idea after overhearing the last conversation...

He slinked into Nector's tent; the Lord was sleeping (and snoring) heavily, chained into bed. He ripped a page out of a nearby picture book and wrote 'Candy in the mages' tent' on it. Remembering that Nino couldn't read, he flipped it over and drew a crude picture. He left it sitting on Nector, then flew off into the night, laughing madly...

* * *

_Has Dan brought total chaos upon the camp? Will Nector ever sleep again? Is Hyper-Coffee the key to Florina's swordmastery? Who _isn't_ on the night watch, anyway? Will we see any Sainzilla destruction? Is Marcus a terrible tactician? Is Merlinus a compulsive-obsessive organizer? Find out all these or not in the next chapter!_

**That's the fourth chapter! R&R, everyone! And yes, the "candy" Dan directed Nector to is the Hyper-Coffee. Prepare for havoc.**

**Dan: I am _so _evil now.**

**Sure are.**

**Kent: DIE FLORINA DIE!**

**Florina: EEEEEEEEEK!**

**Uh oh. Stupid Hyper-Coffee.**

**Legault: Can I be in the cool story thing?**

**Yeah, sure, whatever. R&R! Oh, and one more thing: in the next chapter, SOMEONE. WILL. DIE.**

**Karel: I sure hope it's Florina.**


	5. Chapter 5: Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Fifth-Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

* * *

_

Dan flew off into the night, laughing madly. _This is pathetic,_ he thought, laughing even more madly in his head. _Their stupid night watch is completely ineffective._ He passed over one of the bigger tents, and got an idea. _Why didn't I think of that earlier?..._

"What do you mean, Nector's escaped?" Lyn cried as Kent relayed the news, wide-eyed with fear.

"That's exactly what I mean, Lady Lyndis! The chains in his bed were snapped!"

"I have a bad feeling about this..."

The crazed Lord ran past them covered in some kind of sauce, his/her eyes the size of dinner plates, screaming/singing badly at the top of his/her lungs.

"OHI'MABIGPLATEOFSPHAGHETTIALLCOVEREDWITHCHEESEILOSTMYPOORGRAPEJUICE!"

Nector ran straight at a tent and over it, ignoring the laws of gravity with sheer hyperactivity. He/she then leapt at least forty feet to a tree and began swinging from the branches like an oversized monkey with 25 awesome defense.

Lyn quickly came up with a plan. "Priscino, quick!" Priscino ran up and used a Sleep Staff on the crazy Lord. He/she slowed down only imperceptibly. "Cerk, help her!" Cerk came up and used another Sleep Staff, with the same effect. "Eddie! Lucius! Pent! Renault!" The three staff-users contributed their Sleep Staves to slow Nector down; the pathetic Bishop named last somehow teleported from the future and helped. Nector only started flying around upside down and spinning rapidly, headed straight towards the tent they'd filled with Bomb Staves for some reason. "Florina!" The young Pegasus Knight ran up next to Lyn and, concentrating intently, used her Sleep Staff. Nector dropped from the sky, out cold.

"Bartre taught you well," Lyn commented; Florina smiled shyly.

"And you said he'd never sleep again..." Eddie said to Cerk.

"Quick, get more chains!' Lyn motioned to the two.

* * *

Lyn sprinted towards Tactician Marcus' tent. "Tactician Marcus! It's horrible! Nector drank all our Hyper-Coffee, and we need another way to have a night watch until-EEEEEEEEEEEK!" She gave out a shriek that rivaled even that of Serra as she entered Marcus' tent. The old Paladin-turned-Tactician was unquestionably dead. He appeared to have been hit on the head by a heavy object repeatedly, had a fatal heart attack, been raised by dark power of the abyss, been shot point-blank between the eyes with an arrow, raised again, had both his legs cut off and died of blood loss, raised yet again, been forced to read all of "Mr. Lovesicle Sings Along," re-raised, then finally brutally stabbed repeatedly with a broadsword.

Kent quickly came to see what the problem was. "What is the matter here, Lady-OH, ELIMINE! AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Karel, of all people, came up next to them. Instead of screaming, he simply raised his eyebrows and nodded as if congratulating whoever had murdered Marcus for a job well done.

"Wait..." Kent said. He walked up to the former Tactician, holding his nose, and took a note from one of the few places on him left unwounded. It was written in loopy script and pink ink:

_Dear Everyone: Sorry 'bout this. My hand slipped._

_Serra_

The note was signed with an enormous heart around the name leaving no question that it was real.

"Serra..." Kent said, anger rising in his voice.

Serra came up to them, doing something to her nails. "Whaaaat?" she said irritably. "Why did you interrupt my-" Upon seeing Marcus, she let out a shriek too loud to be expressed in words.

Kent took his hands off his ears and showed her the note. "This note, clearly from you, says that you killed Marcus!"

The Bishop gave him a look of astonished disbelief and annoyance that only she could do. "Are you saying that _I_ did this?"

"Actually, yes. That is exactly what I'm saying."

"Well, that just isn't true! I left that note earlier to apologize for knocking over his pen pyramid!" She indicated a few dozen various scattered pens on his desk and floor.

"I see...a likely story."

Serra looked even more surprised. "Are you..._disbelieving_ the great Serra?"

"Oh, that's what you call yourself now?"

"See you in court, mister!"

Lyn cut into the argument before it could progress any further. "Why are you both just mouthing things?"

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Kent said.

* * *

"Oh dear," Priscino said as she looked in Lyn's ears in a calm manner completely unlike Nino's. "I always told that Serra to be quiet, or something like this would happen..."

"Something like what?" Kent asked, nervously.

"I'm afraid Lady Lyndis' eardrums have melted from intense vibrations. The only way she'll ever hear again is if she eats nothing but an incredibly rare plant from the bottom of the ocean for several months straight." She looked at Kent as his face fell imagining how difficult restoring his lady's hearing would be.

"You can just tell her that she's deaf for life. Now, you'll be wanting this to learn some sign language..." She struggled to heft an enormous book over to Kent. "...and also this one for a history of deafness... This one for a general perspective of how deaf people fit into this world as a whole... oh, and this one. It's a novel about fishing in the Western Isles, but I loved it; I'm recommending it for everyone." As she said this, she carried several more books of equal or greater mass over to Kent, who strained to hold them even with his impressive 24 strength.

"I'll have Bartre read them to me while I'm asleep," Kent muttered, carrying them back to his tent.

* * *

After drinking a drop of Hyper-Coffee left from Nector's rampage, Florina's training was surprisingly easy. She felt full of energy, and doing chin-ups and laps with Dart and Wallace was almost a relief from wanting to go crazy. She performed well in her training with Karel, until he grew so frustrated by her progress that he went berserk/homicidal and had to be stopped by Lyn. There was no question: she was making progress. Afterward, she even managed to lift the Durandel and practice some clumsy swings with the heavier sword. However, her training was cut short, as Serra's parting threat to Kent turned out to be serious...

* * *

"Ahem!" Wil yelled, clearing his throat ostentatiously as he put on a white-powdered wig of Wallace's hair. (He was a real punk before shaving his head and joining the army) He sat in a crudely constructed wooden box on a high chair, and strained as he rapped a Hammer on a desk. "This court-thingy shall come to order! Overruled! Underruled! Slide-ruled! Be silent! Order, order! The jury shall bring the judge a pastry treat pronto! Everyone sit down!"

"Can we just get on to freaking figuring out if Serra killed the Tactician?" Matthew asked, resting his head on his arm as he sat in the jury box.

"I still think I should have been the judge," Serra said, folding her arms and pouting. She was alone at the defense table; after skimming a book about a famous trial for five minutes, she had felt confident enough to act as her own lawyer. "I'm way more judgmental than Wil!"

"You have that right, but you're the defense!" Pent said from the jury box.

"I have this lunch-er, trial in the bag!' Lowen said, frying some fish on a mini-fire as he sat at the prosecution table. He had volunteered to be Marcus' lawyer; the decaying corpse was propped in a chair next to him, and the fish he was cooking were partially to cover the smell.

"Okay, let's get going!" Wil yelled, banging his Hammer again. "Will the defense please present its case!"

"Uh, excuse me," Cerk said from the audience. "I believe the prosecution typically goes first."

"Shut it! I'm the judge here!" Wil banged his Hammer several more times for good measure.

Serra stood up shakily and hobbled forward. She badly pretended to have difficulty speaking. "Well...your honor-person...I..."

"This isn't a personal injury suit, you know," Wil reminded her.

"Oh, right!" Serra resumed her normal peppy nature and attempted to jump into the witness box, but couldn't get over the high ledge and fell in headfirst. She got back up, spent about 20 seconds combing her hair, another 5 minutes fixing her nails (several of which had broken), then finally began. "Okay, everyone, I _so_ totally didn't do it."

"Your proof being?" Wil asked, begging her to continue.

"Uh, hello?" Serra said, rolling her eyes. "I practically _died_ just looking at him! How could I have done all that to him while staying conscious?"

"So...who do _you_ think could have done it if it wasn't you? Did Dan come back from the dead and get revenge?" Wil ended in a teasing voice.

"Of course not, but maybe...Priscilla did it!"

"Do you mean me, or her?" Priscino asked, motioning to Sainzilla.

"I...don't...know!" Serra said, confused.

"Okay...any last remarks?" Wil asked.

"Oh, yeah, one other thing." Serra turned away from the audience and did some things with her makeup, then turned back and made an impossibly cute, huge-eyed face. All of the men in the room, even stoic Kent, went wide-eyed; a few became completely hypnotized and fell over into the row of seats in front of him. _Lucky there aren't many of them on the jury, _Kent thought. "Oh, and I call Florina up to the stand," she said, climbing out of the witness box and winking at the Pegasus Knight.

Florina nervously approached the stand and had even more trouble getting into it than Serra did; her short uniform made preserving her modesty while climbing in complicated, and as she eventually tipped in even less gracefully than Serra, cheers from several of the audience members told her that she had failed. Blushing furiously, she quickly sat up and looked at her lap as if going through notecards. "Um...I just wanted to...um...say that Serra is a very good person, and...she couldn't have...uh, killed Marcus, because she was up all night...um...giving me personal...um...What does this word say?" She squinted at something invisible to everyone outside the witness box, but set it down in resignation. She tried to do a cute face similar to Serra's, but was too afraid of her public speaking role and messed it up terribly.

"Ugh, just sit down," Serra told her, rolling her eyes at her failed witness. She trembled at the thought of climbing back out of the witness box, but luckily discovered a door in the back and quietly returned to her seat. Serra slapped her forehead.

"Okay..." Wil said, trying to break the uncomfortable silence that had risen as Florina sat down. "What does the prosecution have to say?"

"Not, much, your honor," Lowen said, standing up in the most laid-back way possible, his demeanor the complete opposite of Florina's. He took the note found earlier from where it had been stuck in Marcus' limp hand. "Thanks, Sir Marcus," he said to the corpse as if it were still alive. "Okay, look at this note!" he walked up to Wil's box and showed him the paper. "It says right here that Serra did it!"

"And you think this note was written by Serra?" Wil asked, sounding strangely thoughtful.

"Of course! She signed it! Here, call her up and see what her handwriting looks like!"

Wil did just that; Serra bounced up and went up to the stand, her icy look shooting daggers at Lowen. "With this sample, you'll see that my handwriting it nothing at all like this note's!" She took out a piece of paper and showed it to Wil.

_Hey, Rebecca,_

_I'll see you at 8:00 tonight behind my tent, just like we planned. You bring the rope, I'll bring the bucket. We'll jump Wil when he-_

"Oops, wrong one!" Serra exclaimed, taking the note back and blushing. She took out some more paper and wrote some random words on it instead. Wil turned the paper around; it was an exact duplicate of the note found on Marcus, complete with a heart around her loopy signature.

"I see," Wil said, even more thoughtfully. Serra smacked her forehead again. "Anything else?" he asked, turning to Lowen.

"Yeah, I'd like to call Sir Marcus to the stand!" Lowen stood for several seconds as everyone looked at him as if her were crazy. "I'll sit down," he said, doing so quickly.

"Okay, that should be it!" Wil said in a louder voice. "Now, we'll lock the jury in Marcus' old tent until they figure out whodunnit!"

"How do you plan on locking a tent?" Raven said, uncaring about his role in the jury.

"Do we get treats, or do I need to bake some myself?" Louise asked from next to Pent.

"In order, silence and you get cookies." Louise pumped her fist and said 'Yes!' to herself. The jury filed out of the clearing the trial was in, discussing matters.

* * *

Later, much later, Guy walked through the woods back to his tent. Night had already fallen, but his eyes, trained on the plains of Sacae, cut through the darkness like his sword through butter.

"Okay, maybe setting my tent up this far away just to stay away from Serra wasn't such a good idea..." he said to himself. Suddenly, he heard a strangely loud rustling in the bushes. "Who's there?" he called, putting his hand on his sword hilt.

"Oh, hello Guy," a strangely familiar voice said from the dark. Guy drew his sword. "You seriously think that will help?" A pair of yellow eyes gleamed at Guy from the darkness.

"Who are you?" Guy yelled, now terrified.

Dan came from the bushes, his eyes burning with hatred. "Your worst nightmare." He chuckled with malice.

"Wh-what? Dan? How...how are you..." Guy's mouth hung open in amazement. "Wait...you're the one who killed Marcus..."

"I knew you'd figure it out after seeing my face...I'm back."

"But...why?"

"Why?" Dan scoffed. "What do you think I was doing before I died? Now that I'm back, I'm getting revenge on each and every one of you...and you're next."

Guy gulped and stepped away from the crazed former Tactician. "And now you're gonna kill me?"

Dan smiled; Guy took another step back. "Oh, no. I was quite merciful to Marcus, really giving him such a quick death. I have much worse things planned for the rest of you, much worse indeed... Like you. Imagine, knowing the truth, knowing exactly what is happening...and not being able to tell anyone." Dan smiled even more.

"Wh-what? What are you going to-" Dan cut him off as he prepared a dark spell. "Dark magic? How-"

It was too late. Dan released the spell and Guy fell to his knees, clutching his throat and gagging. As he stood up, he couldn't make a sound, not even the quietest sigh or grunt. His eyes narrowed and he attacked Dan. The Swordmaster moved like lightning, but Dan was much faster. By the time Dan's sword reached him, he'd drawn two deadly-looking black blades and effortlessly blocked the strike. Guy gasped at Dan's new swordmastery and was quickly forced into the defense as the Tactician executed an endless onslaught of strikes too fast for the eye to track ending in Guy being pinned against a tree with Dan's blades scissoring across his neck. Dan grinned once more, then melted back into the shadows and left the now-mute Swordmaster. He streaked off across the moon, already plotting his next act to defeat his former party...

* * *

_What is Dan planning next? Will Guy manage to communicate the truth before it's too late? Will he and Lyn manage to learn sign language? Will Serra be pronounced guilty, innocent, or crazy? Is she a terrible lawyer? How good are the cookies? Find out in chapter 6!_

**That's the fifth chapter! R&R, as usual! How did you like the longer chapter?**

**Guy: ...!**

**What?**

**Guy!...!**

**I can't _hear _you.**

**Guy!**

**Whatever.**

**Serra: Hey, Rebecca, where _were_ you last night? Wil _totally_ knew what hit him!**

**Rebecca: I was watching Lowen make supper! He is sooo cute!**

**Hey, go turn somewhere else into a chat room!**

**Legault: R&R peoples!**

**Okay, okay, I get it, I'll put you in next chapter...**

**Legault: Yeah!**


	6. Chapter 6: The One with Legault in It

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Sixth-The One with Legault in It

* * *

_

Guy sprinted back to the main camp through the woods, still disbelieving of what he'd seen. _I can't believe it...Dan is back...and he wants revenge. I have to tell everyone! But how..._ He reached the main camp and met Wil as the Sniper was disassembling his bow.

"Oh, Guy! Just the guy I wanted to see! Heh heh!" Wil chuckled at his pathetic pun; Guy would have groaned if he could. "Here, undo that braid! I can use some of your hair for a new bowstring!"

Guy didn't have time for this. He madly tried to gesticulate to Wil that he couldn't speak, but was misunderstood.

"Oh, charades! Cool! Here, I've got a great one! What am I?" Wil started hopping around with his hands on his knees and croaked pathetically. Guy rolled his eyes and spotted Matthew; surely the Thief would understand him. He ran over and repeated the gestures.

"Charades? Don't do it here, or you'll get Wil involved and-oh, too late." Matthew sighed as he saw the Sniper hopping around.

Guy ran to Lyn's tent; hopefully the Blade Lord would understand him.

* * *

"What? What does that mean? Well, at least you aren't trying to talk to me like everyone else..." Guy suddenly remembered that Lyn had been rendered deaf by Serra's piercing shriek. They were in the same boat...or they would be, if they had still been on the _Davros_ instead of inland on the way to the Castle Ostia. Guy grabbed a piece of paper and a quill and tried to write a message, but as he did, his hand quavered and he only ended up scribbling. Desperate, he noticed a book on sign language Kent was looking through and pointed madly to it.

"Wait...can you speak?" Kent asked, looking up. Guy shook his head rapidly. "Oh, I see. I expect Serra was involved somehow," he muttered, a trace of anger on his normally calm voice. "Well, you've come to the right place. I'll teach you sign language, too." Guy sighed silently and started learning. The sooner he did, the sooner he could tell everyone what had happened. He hoped they'd believe him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Oswin put an enormous padlock on some ropes of Marcus' old tent, the only one big enough to host the entire jury.

"I can still crawl out beneath the walls, you know," Raven said from inside, annoyed.

"Be silent in there!" Oswin punched Raven through the tent fabric; the Mercenary had been leaning against a "wall."

Inside, the jury started deliberating; Louse took the entire box of cookies and started wolfing them down.

"Be careful not to ruin your figure, dear," Pent said to his wife.

"You aren't the boss of me, sweetie," Louise said between bites.

"Everyone shut up!" Raven said, raising his voice. "Let's figure out who killed the Tactician so we can get out of this stupid tent! Now, who thinks Serra did it?" He, Louise, Isadora, Vaida, Rebecca, Lyn, and Lowen raised their hands. "Get out of here!" he yelled to the prosecution, driving the no-eyed Paladin out under the wall of the tent. "See?" He said to Oswin outside. Turning back to the people inside, he continued. "And who thinks she's innocent?" As he said this, the other male members of the jury remembered the face Serra had made and went heart-eyed and into trances; Pent, Matthew, Heath, and Merlinus all groggily raised their hands. (And Serra, who was also driven out under the tent flap) Louise's eyes narrowed and she slapped her husband; he quickly put his hand down.

"Oh, come on!" Fiora said. "You saw the note!' She's obviously guilty! She said so herself!"

"But...cute face...Serra...pretty...me like...Serra..." Matthew said sleepily, a faint smile on his face. Fiora grumbled and rested her head in her hands.

* * *

Guy sprinted for the jury tent as soon as he heard they had gone there. He slipped under the tent wall as Oswin protested and started gesturing madly to the jury to make them understand.

"Gah! This is no time for charades!" Raven said. "Get out of here!" Guy went almost crazy, adding what little sign language he knew to the gestures and hoping they would understand him.

"Oh oh oh oh!" Wil shouted from outside. "What am I now, Guy?" He started hopping around and braying loudly. Raven got fed up and forcefully (and somewhat literally) kicked him out of the tent.

"Alright, people," Raven grumbled. "Back to the trial. What will it take to make _you three_ (here he pointed to the three remaining infatuated jury members) see reason?"

"All the gold in the world," Heath said distantly.

"Yes...that would be nice...gold for Serra..." Merlinus said.

"Serra...Serra...Serra...Serra..." the men chanted together in monotone. The others groaned. This was going to be a long time...and Louise had eaten all the cookies.

* * *

Dan used a complex telescope-thingy to somehow listen in on the conversation in the tent from a nearby hill. His plan to simultaneously get his final revenge on Marcus and frame Serra was working perfectly, except for how she'd hypnotized several jury members. Still, he was sure they would see reason eventually. He opened his player's guide (he'd retaken it from Marcus' tent after finally killing the accursed Paladin), closed his eyes, and randomly pointed out his next two targets: Lucius and Priscilla, or "Sainzilla" as everyone had been strangely calling her lately. He started plotting their downfalls immediately and laughed maniacally. This was going to be fun...

* * *

A full-fledged argument had broken out in the jury tent. The seven members who thought Serra was guilty still couldn't get Matthew, Heath, and Merlinus to listen to logic.

"She's obviously guilty!"

"Serra...innocent..."

"Look at the note!"

"Serra...pretty...not guilty..."

"Two is better!"

"No...three..."

"Two!"

"Three..."

Before the argument could degenerate any more, Legault entered under the tent wall. He spoke in a deep, heroic, fake-sounding voice and had a tablecloth stuffed down his shirt to make him look like he had 21 or so strength instead of only 10. "Never fear, jury members! I, detective Legault, shall find the ultimate evidence!"

Everyone stared at him, completely dumbfounded, as he briskly began to search the tent. He started pulling drawers out and riffling through papers, looking as though he were trying to do as much damage as possible instead of end the deliberation. "Ah-HAH!" Legault cried as he stood up straight and swung his cape to make it look like it was blowing in the wind.

"...what did you find?" Fiora ventured.

"This!" Legault said, holding up a grubby little book he'd found in a drawer. "This is the late Tactician Marcus' journal! Someone has gone through it, scribbled out all the entries done by him, and written in his, or her, own! Only a current or former Tactician could have known where to find the journal, or indeed if it was even there!"

"Wait..." Pent said, looking over Legault's padded shoulder. "This handwriting doesn't match the writing on the note! He flipped to the beginning of the book. "It matches...oh, no...no...no, no..."

Louise walked up next to her husband. "What is it, dear?" Her eyes widened as she compared the front and back of the journal. "It's identical to...Dan's handwriting..."

"But that's impossible!" Rebecca said. "There's no way he could have been revived, especially without us knowing! After what the flyers did to him, there wasn't anything left bigger than his little finger!"

"Yes, maybe it's some kind of freakish coincidence," Pent said. "Maybe someone else got lucky, and happened to have the same handwriting...There's no other way..."

"I know how to find the true killer!" Legault proclaimed, slipping back out of the tent.

"...so can we leave?" Raven asked after a long silence.

* * *

Dan winced as he listened in on the conversation in the tent. He knew he shouldn't have rewritten all of Marcus' journal entries, but he couldn't stand the thought of that idiot taking his job even for a second! _Oh, well. Even if they discovered the truth, they would never believe it.

* * *

_

"Okay, everyone except the jury!" Wil said, back in his judge getup. "Now that Marcus is dead, we need a new Tactician! Woooo!" He cheered pathetically. "...any takers?"

Several people raised their hands: Kent, Cerk, Eddie, Lowen, Hawkeye, Oswin, and Raven. "Get back in the tent!" Oswin yelled, shoving Raven off. He grumbled loudly and stalked off, fuming.

"Okay, Now I'll pick the new Tactician!" Wil started pointing to each one and said a rhyme. "Eeny-meeny-miny-moe, catch a-Lowen!" He stopped prematurely at the green-haired Paladin, who got up and prepared to make an introductory speech.

"It is a great honor to be named the newest Tactician of this army. I shall-" Legault interrupted him as dramatically as possible.

"AH-_HAH!_" the Assassin cried. "You are now a Tactician, therefore _you_ must have known where the journal was, and _you_ must have killed Marcus! Case closed!"

"WHAT? Are you crazy? I was _defending_ Marcus in court! I'm his loyal knight! The one guy we know didn't kill Marcus! And what's with the extra weight? Been drinking too much ale?"

"Yes, but you are...GUILTY!" Legault pointed straight at Lowen's face as dramatically as possible; everyone stared at the crazy detective.

"This is a mockery of the Pheraen legal system! I'm innocent! I would never have killed Marcus!"

"Too late, the jury has already left!" It was true; the ten jury members had already burst out of the tent, relieved to be free.

"Okay, Lowen...you are guilty!" Wil said, smacking his Hammer on his knee several more times.

"Wait!" Fiora called, running up with the journal. "See if his handwriting matches Dan's!"

"What does that guy have to do with any of this?" Wil asked, mostly to himself. "Alright, let's see." Lowen took a quill in his right hand and wrote on an empty page next to the mysterious handwriting. It didn't even match at all; as a skilled handwriting analyzer, Wil could even tell they didn't use the same hand. (He wasn't all comic relief, after all) "That's funny..."

"Come to think of it, Dan was left-handed..." Lyn said to herself.

"Everyone, I have no idea how or why...but it seems like Dan is back." Wil said gravely. Guy stood up and nodded furiously. "That's what you've been trying to tell everyone?" Guy nodded again. "And I had fun playing charades!" Wil sniffed emotionally.

"Wait..." Cerk said, putting the pieces together. "So Dan somehow came back to life, entered Marcus' tent and killed him in a fit of pure rage, found his old journal, replaced all of Marcus' entries with his own, and also made you mute?" Guy nodded to the last part.

"But what about the note from Serra?" Fiora asked.

"I already _told_ you, I accidentally knocked his pen pyramid over!" Serra said angrily.

"Oh," Pent said, relieved. "That solves _everything!"_

"Excuse me, dear," Louise began, "but you forgot that OUR OLD TACTICIAN IS BACK FROM THE DEAD AND OUT TO KILL US!" She panted after screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Oh, right," Pent said meekly.

"At least we have a night watch," Lyn said uncertainly.

"We have to hurry to Ostia!" Hectas said assuringly. "We'll be safe in my brother...guy's castle. Wait, is he my brother?"

* * *

Florina's training had gone even better than the day before; she was able to perform chin-ups almost once a minute, and she was getting so good at jogging that Wallace had begun to berate her lack of speed instead of humoring her inability.

"Faster, girl, faster! I shouldn't be able to keep up with you!" he would yell as they jogged alongside each other.

She felt confident enough to begin training against Karel with the Durandel; she was as easily defeated as she was at the beginning, but thanks to the Hyper-Coffee rations Cerk and Eddie had quickly made for her, her speed steadily improved with the enormous weapon. Still, she was afraid, lying in bed that night awake for hours after her shift, too scared to sleep. Lyn had told her that Dan was back, and after seeing what had happened to Guy and Marcus, she was terrified that he might remember the shopping incident.

_"Um...I...I bought those Heal Staffs you wanted, Lord Tactician Dan, sir..." Florina said quietly, nervously approaching her new leader soon after joining Lady Lyndis. She carried several of them in her arms._

_Dan grew enraged. "Heal _Staffs_? Stupid flying girl! I wanted Heal _Staves_! Take those back and get some Heal Staves! And some Iron Swords while you're at it! Now get going!"_

_"Eeeek! Y-Yes, Sir Tactician!" Florina hurried away, terrified of the angry young man and wishing she could only please him. She climbed back on Huey and flew back to the shop, then returned some time later._

_"Um...I-I bought those Heal Staves, and the I-Iron Swords, Sir Tactician..." she said again, struggling to carry all of the equipment and hoping that Dan would be satisfied._

_"Gah! These Swords have one-sided blades! I _hate _one-sided blades! Get some better ones and some Vulneraries, stupid Peg Knight!"_

_"Eep!" Florina was too scared to correct him. She flew off again and returned as soon as possible, trying not to make him any angrier._

_"Idiot! These Vulneraries are just bags of dirt! You're the worst shopper ever!"_

_Florina had been yelled at to the point of tears. She sobbed into Huey's mane as she flew back to the shop again, wondering what she had done to deserve this abuse and why Lady Lyndis had made her deal with Dan._

_When she returned yet again, she was too afraid of Dan to even talk to him; she simply ran up, dropped the equipment at his feet, and backed away a few dozen feet._

_Unfortunately, Dan still wasn't satisfied. "Why are there only four Vulneraries instead of five?"_

_Florina wished she didn't have to break the truth to him. As carefully as possible, she said, "Um...ww-ell...I kind of...spent all of our money returning and buying things..." She stared intently at her feet, hoping Dan wouldn't explode._

_Unfortunately, he did. Drawing one of the double-sided Iron Swords, he charged at the timid Pegasus Knight, screaming at the top of his lungs. "STUPID, STUPID IDIOT! HOW DARE YOU SPEND ALL MY MONEY! I'LL KILL YOU!"_

Even though the memory had since faded, it was still enough to make Florina cry herself to sleep. She was doomed.

* * *

Dan shaded out of Lucius' tent, grinning with malice. _Oh, just wait until they see this...

* * *

_

_What has Dan done to Lucius and Sainzilla? Who will his next targets be? Does he remember the shopping incident? Is Florina a terrible shopper? Will the group make it to Ostia with its life and sanity intact? Is three or four better? And what the heck was Wil in charades, anyway?_

**There's the sixth chapter for you! R&R! Coming up: Chapter 29! (Of the game!) Also, for the first time, you can vote in E-mails to me on who Dan will get revenge on next! Vote, everyone!**

**Louise: Do you have any more cookies?**

**No. Go away.**

**Louise: Awww...**

**Legault: Yeah! I kicked awesome in this chapter!**

**Right... Kicked awesome.**

**Lowen: So, am I the new Tactician?**

**No. I am. Go away.**

**Lowen: Who are you, anyway?**

**None of your business. Get to making supper.**

**Lowen: Are you, like, some guy talking from behind a curtain?**

**No, I-**

**Lowen: What does this do?**

**No, don't touch-AIEEE!**

**Wil: Seriously, what am I now? Haw-haw-haw-haw-ee-haw!**


	7. Chapter 7: Sleep is Bad

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Seventh-Sleep is Bad

* * *

_

Lucius woke up the following morning. As usual, he gathered his thoughts by lying motionless and counting to ten thousand, then slowly got up. After getting dressed and counting to ten thousand once more for good measure, he went outside, hoping he'd be on time for lunch. He did a double take as he looked around; the trees, the tents, the various junk was unfamiliar. _Oh, well. How very strange. _He smelled pork frying and dashed off to eat.

Nearby, Sainzilla re-figured out how to get dressed and walked outside. _Strange...wasn't my tent in the middle of the camp?

* * *

_

Dan cursed as he watched the minor confusion. _Flurn,_ he thought. _I meant to switch their clothes around, not their whole bloody tents! How did I do that, anyway? Oh, well. I think I'll kill a few of them off to relieve my stress. _He started to laugh as maniacally and dramatically as possible; ever since he'd become an official Villain, he felt a strange pain in his side that built up unless he did so every 5 minutes or so. As he did, a voice came from around the fire. "It wasn't _that_ funny, Wil!" Dan saved his laughing for another time and slunk off, deciding who would die tonight.

* * *

Lucius ate his supper (his counting was getting sluggish), trying to stay out of Sainzilla's line of sight. He had no idea what had just happened, and he really didn't want to know. Meanwhile, Kent signed to Lyn as she updated the party on its location.

"We've just passed by the kingdom of Worde! We're now scarcely a day's ride from Ostia!" everyone, especially Hectas, cheered at the news. "We can spend the final night in agony...oh, wait, that's 'valley.'" Several people snickered at her mistake. "In other news, Cerk and Eddie have made more Hyper-Coffee for the night watch. Drink down-er, up!" Everyone quickly lined up to take the usual drop of Hyper-Coffee.

* * *

Feeling even peppier than usual after the Hyper-Coffee, Wil jumped around the camp, doing commando-style rolls and randomly pointing his loaded bow at things. As he discreetly got up after running into some barrels, he felt an out-of-place breeze behind him. Something grabbed his shoulder; he froze. A strangely familiar voice spoke softly from right behind his ear. "You were a good Tactician, Wil. Almost as good as me. I'll be sure to make this quick." As Wil heard a sword being unsheathed, he went bonkers and dashed off screaming like a maniac, powered by the Hyper-Coffee and pure terror.

"Flurn," Dan said out loud. "They'll hear that. This could get messy..." He drew both of his pitch-colored swords and readied a dark spell.

Wil ran up to the majority of the night watchers, still screaming his head off. "AAAAAAHHHHHH! THERE'S A WEIRD GUY HERE AND HE GRABBED ME FROM BEHIND AND TALKED AND HE WAS GONNA KILL ME AND HE SOUNDED JUST LIKE DAN!" He promptly fainted from oxygen deprivation and fear.

"What did he say?" Kent asked, looking around nervously.

"Something about a funny fish, I believe," Cerk said.

"Such a fool," a new voice said quietly, drawing close. Everyone gasped as the speaker came in sight. It was unmistakably their old Tactician Dan, in the flesh. He carried two strange, thin, deadly-looking blades and was unusually pale, but there was no mistaking his identity. "If he hadn't alerted you, no one else would have had to die tonight."

"!" Guy was the first to strike at Dan, wanting revenge for his muteness. Without breaking stride, Dan effortlessly parried the attack with one blade and ran Guy through with the other, letting him drop to the ground and continuing towards the rest.

"What?" Lyn cried as she watched Guy slump to the ground lifelessly. "You traitor! Why are you trying to kill us?"

"Why else?" Dan replied, signing so Lyn could understand. "All of you _idiots_ made my life as your Tactician torture! Now that I'm back, I'll see to it that each and every one of you suffers for what you did...starting with _you!_" He held out his hand and unleashed the spell he'd been readying. A dark beam lanced from his hand and squarely stuck Heath in the chest; the Wyvern Lord immediately fell over unconscious, or worse.

"My blade hungers!" Karel was the next one to attack. This time the match was almost even; the Tactician and the Swordmaster fought on for several minutes, with Dan having only a slight advantage. Everyone else watch the epic duel, until Dan surprised Karel with a sudden punch to the gut and instantly followed by delivering a huge gash to his side.

Dan smiled with malice and continued to advance. "Who's next?"

"You're as good as dead, little guy!" Wallace said, putting on a huge helmet and lumbering out. He lunged with a 10-foot spear carrying enough force to punch through a tree trunk-Dan dodged it easily. Before Wallace could strike again, he cast another spell on the armor; Wallace soon tipped over lifelessly and clattered to the ground.

"...why are we all just letting him take us out one by one?" Lowen asked semi-rhetorically. The others understood; he and at least 10 other people charged at Dan simultaneously. The ensuing confusion lasted only 10 seconds and ended with them all severely wounded and/or unconscious.

"This is getting fun." Dan smirked. "Maybe I'll just kill all of you now!"

His entertainment was next interrupted by the most unlikely person. "I-I won't l-let you hurt th-them!" Florina stammered, terrified of the homicidal Tactician but driven to stop him. She managed to heft the Durandel to her side and tried to look as imposing as possible. (Which wasn't very, since Dan was at least 6 inches taller than she was)

"You have to be kidding," Dan chuckled. "And what happened to Eliwood? Whatever. This is for the shopping incident!" He lunged at the little Pegasus Knight, who screamed and-actually managed to block his swords. Even as a Morph, Dan couldn't hold back his surprise. "Whoah." He continued his onslaught, and grew madder and madder-after slaying all the others, he couldn't land a single blow on Florina! He eventually managed to drive her back against a tent and prepared to finish her, but she managed to intercept each of a series of lightning-quick slashes and circled around him with perfect form. Moving impossibly fast for someone carrying a sword almost the size and weight of its wielder, Florina spun around before Dan could react and slashed him hard across the torso.

"GAH!" Dan screamed, clutching his chest as quintessence leaked out of the wound. "Curse you, stupid flying girl! You will be next!" With the last of his remaining energy, he managed to warp away from the deadly little girl and to the safety of a nearby wood.

_Flurn! Back to one-by-one revenge, I suppose. _Deciding that the terror he'd undoubtedly instilled in Florina was probably enough torture for a few days,he used his player's guide to pick said other person: Kent. He started plotting again. _This is gonna be good. I'll get Lucius and Priscilla properly this time, as well.

* * *

_

Fiora comforted her little sister, who had been overtaken by the fear of the events of last night and Dan's parting threat and was now sobbing uncontrollably. Personally, she was relieved. Despite the incredible sword prowess Dan had somehow gained, he hadn't actually killed anyone; after a few minutes of Serra's Heal Staff, everyone was fine, save for her terrified sister and the two that had been hit by dark magic. Wallace constantly complained of being cold (which was unusual, since he acted like winter was the warmest season of the year) and Heath was in a deep sleep that no one could seem to wake him from.

"At least he'll get some peace from this nightmare," Hectas said to Kent as they continued the night watch. "We can wake him once we reach Ostia. Until then, he can enjoy his dreams."

* * *

Heath couldn't have been enjoying his dream less. He was simultaneously locked in a claustrophobic jail cell, falling down a bottomless pit, being bitten by venomous snakes, and helplessly running from his secret fear.

_Not more elms! _Heath ran from dozens of the animated trees, but just like in all good nightmares, didn't get anywhere. His screams echoed through his head as the trees caught up, and-he felt a sensation of waking up. _Maybe it's really over this time... _He opened his eyes and found that he was running from the elms again. _Nope. If these trees weren't so scary, I'd be bored out of my mind...

* * *

_

"Oh, well," Hectas said to himself. "Sweet dreams, Heath."

* * *

Kent was woken the next morning by his aching joints. _Augh! When did I go to sleep in my armor? ...when did I go to sleep at all? I'm the head night watch! _As he struggled to his feet, he noticed his bed was strangely soft. _What happened to the rocks in my mattress?_ Turning around, he saw that he'd dozed off next to Lucius. "AHHH!" He yelled in shock and jumped back-straight into Sainzilla, who seemed to have rolled off the bed from his other side and onto the floor.

"Kent? What's up? What are you doing in-" Wil stopped mid-sentence as he poked his head into the tent; his mouth hung open. "Okay... This is confusing and wrong. Especially wrong." He removed his head; as soon as he did, his rapid footsteps could be heard sprinting off into the distance. Kent tried to sneak out before the two woke up and figure out what the Flux just happened. He heard the Sniper mutter to himself as he walked off: "Weirdest threesome ever..."

* * *

"Look! I can see the castle!" Hectas pointed out joyously as the party hurried on towards Ostia. "We're almost there! Woooo! Not even Dan can touch us while we're safe in my brother's castle!"

Suddenly, a piercing shriek broke up the silence. "EEEEK!" Unsurprisingly, it was Serra.

"Huh...What is it this time?" Hectas asked. After being stopped by Serra because she was too tired, cold, hot, bored, and sick of the song stuck in her head, he was fed upwith interruptions. "Can it wait until after we see my brother?"

"Of _course_ not, silly! I left my favorite plushy bear at Brammimond's house! Take me back to get it, and fast!"

"Uh...that's all the way across Elibe," Hectas said, not quite sure if she was serious.

Serra put her hands on her hips and couldn't have made it clearer that she was indeed serious. "So? Let's _go!_ You know I can't sleep without it!"

"Oh yeah?' Hectas retorted. "Then how have you slept this _whole time?_"

"_I didn't know I didn't have it!" _Serra shrieked. A full-blown argument broke out between the two, forcing the whole party to stop. Wil, as usual, didn't know when to be quiet.

"Hey, while we're at it, I kind of have to go, and the Castle Laus has _really_ nice bathrooms!"

Nector piped up next with the classic, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Hectas almost literally exploded. "_ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OR I'LL DECAPITATE EACH OF YOU ONE BY ONE AND HAVE YOUR HEADS IN MY CEREAL!" _His face was as red from yelling as a tomato. A very, very angry tomato. The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

* * *

As the party finally entered the outskirts of Ostia's capitol, they passed a grimy slave market.

"Ugh, slavery is a scourge unto all of Elibe," Hectas said with disgust as he walked by. "Especially Ostia." Suddenly, a certain red-haired slave caught his eye. "Wait...Eliwood?"

The former Lord looked up, and they winced. He looked terrible; he was dressed in rags instead of his former lordly armor, and was shackled on his hands and feet. His eyes widened as he saw his old party. "It's you! Get me out of here, and I'll forgive you for selling me! Quick, the auction is almost over!"

They debated whether or not to buy Eliwood back amongst themselves.

"We can't buy him back, we had to sell him to pay off the debts!" Merlinus said, worried about the party's funds as usual.

"Hey, maybe we can get him back for less than we sold him for!" Hectas said, defending his friend.

"This party isn't big enough for another redhead," Raven grumbled, standing next to Kent and Sainzilla. "And I hate that guy."

"W-We have to buy him back!" Florina cut in, emboldened by her conscience. "It wouldn't be right to leave him here!"

Their deliberations were cut short by the fast-talking auctioneer. "50 gold for the red-haired wimp, going once, going twice-"

"100 gold!" A high-pitched voice screamed from the crowd. The other buyers clearly didn't think the weakling was worth that much, and Eliwood was promptly sold for 100 gold. He searched the crowd for who had bought him. Soon afterward, that day became known throughout Ostia as 'The day the red-haired guy screamed like a really loud little girl for 20 seconds day.'

"Whoah, I've got this ringing in my ears!" Lyn said after the scream, simultaneously signing to Kent.

"I think that's just the scream of a Lord in intense emotional peril, milady," Kent signed back.

"No way! I can hear you!" Lyn exclaimed, surprised. "This one must have returned my ears to normal!" She was too relieved to notice her ears were bleeding.

* * *

"Omigosh, omigosh!" Serra squealed, jumping around her new slave. "This is going to be soooooo fun! Yay!"

Eliwood's mood couldn't have been more different from the bubbly cleric's. "This is the worst day of my life..." He groaned. "Be transported in a filthy cart was better than this...Death would be better than this..." He started to beat himself on the head with his shackles in a pathetic suicide attempt, but could barely lift them with his 4 strength. (He'd actually atrophied after being unused by Dan for so long)

"Why so glum?" Serra asked, happier than ever. "Now I finally have someone to test all my new makeup on!" She jumped around for joy again. Eliwood screamed again.

* * *

_Is Florina already the swordmast0r2? Or is she traumatized for life? Is Dan losing his touch? Is Eliwood doomed? Does Hectas have anger management issues? What kind of a swear is flurn? Why is Heath afraid of elm trees? Are we there yet? Do I ask way too many questions? Find out...in chapter 8!_

**There's the seventh chapter for you! Now this one is longer than the original; please R&R! Oh, and I only got one vote for characters for Dan to target. I'm severely disappointed in all of you. _(shakes finger)_ Vote some more by E-mailing me! (Or at least once more, so I have two people)**

**Serra: This is gonna be great!**

**Eliwood : sob Please just kill me now...**

**Serra: Why on Earth would I ever do that, silly? When we have SHOPPING MADNESS to do! Yay!**

**Eliwood: ...must...kill self...with sheer...force of will...Hrrghh...**

**Wil: Did someone say me? I've got plenty of force! Watch me tear off my shirt and start flexin'!**

**Serra: Eek!**

**All of you, get out!**

**Florina: Can't...sleep...Dan...out to kill me...**

**Only if people vote for you.**

**Florina: Wh-what? Vote?**

**Forget I said that. R&R, peoples! Next time, I'll do chapter 29 for real!**


	8. Chapter 8: Crossover Time

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Eighth-Crossover Time

* * *

_

Dan cursed to himself even more as he watched the party file into the Castle Ostia from a nearby rooftop. _Flurn! They'd all be dead if I hadn't lost all my dexterity by raiding the ale stash! Oh, well. It was worth it. I never liked that Hector anyway. _He was soon rewarded by a strangely non-Hector-like scream from inside as the absence of ale was discovered. _Time for some more revenge. _He got out his player's guide again and randomly picked...Wil and Serra. Gasping, he quickly re-picked the second person: Karel. _That's better. Sorry, Wil._ He smirked and wrapped himself in an invisibility spell, then took off over the castle walls.

* * *

Wil woke up the morning after the dumbly alcohol-free arrival party at the castle with the worst orange juice hangover of his life. "Ooooooaaaaaauuuuggghhh..." He moaned repeatedly for several minutes, then finally opened his eyes. He was in a strange wooden room unlike anything he'd seen in the castle. _Must be a newfangled Ostian tent._ "Hey, guys!" He yelled out. "Since when are we back on the road again? What about that chapter 29 I read about in the weird book?" Nothing happened. He climbed to his feet and went out through the door, gasping at his surroundings: he was clearly aboard a ship. "Since when are we going to the Dread Isle?" He started screaming his head off until someone came running: a fair-haired Cavalier. 

"What's wrong, Wil? Did you sleep too tight? Have a nightmare? Wet the bed?"

Wil grew even more confused. "Who are you? Where am I?"

"I'm Franz! I suppose we haven't been introduced. In fact, you haven't been introduced to anyone yet! Anyway, we're on a ship en route to Taizel!"

"Wha-? Where's that? Where am I?"

"In Magvel, of course! Where else?" Wil screamed again.

At this, a green-haired man came running up. "Franz, what's going on? Did Wil wet the bed?"

"I don't think so, Lord Ephraim! He has amnesia though!"

"So he didn't wet the bed again? Thank goodness..."

Wil couldn't take it any more. "What is going on here and where am I and why does everyone think I wet the bed?"

The green-haired one, presumably Ephraim and their leader, responded. "We found you last night with this note." He handed Wil a slip of paper.

_Dear everyone,_

_This guy really wants to join your party, he's just too tired to say so. You all got selective amnesia last night and can't remember how he used to be your best friend. His name is Wil._

_-Anonymous Benefactor (AKA Dan)_

_PS Watch out, he wets the bed._

"The note was right," Ephraim added, shuddering as Wil finished reading with horror. The misplaced Sniper screamed again.

* * *

"Wil, you're looking a little pale..." Lyn commented as the 'Sniper' came to breakfast. "And weren't you a few inches shorter last night?" 

"You know these Ostian Castles; they do crazy things to you," Dan said. _I can't believe they're being fooled so easily! Anyone with sense could see though this disguise! _He fingered the bow he'd strapped to his back to impersonate the vanished Sniper. "Next thing I know, I'll get a big staff and everyone'll think I'm Athos!"

"What?" Lyn asked about his remark.

"Oh, didn't mean to say that last part out loud," 'Wil' said. The ale must have still been wearing off. As soon as it did, he'd get his next target: Karel. "Hey, I've...noticed a few of the party members are acting strangely. Like Canas."

"Canas?" Lyn scoffed. "Do you have amnesia? He's Hectas ever since he got Hector's spirit!"

"Hector's spirit?" 'Wil' asked her.

"Sure! How can you not know? You came up with their nicknames yourself: Nector, Cerk, Priscino, Eddie, and Sainzilla!"

"Interesting..." He stroked his chin thoughtfully and extremely un-Wilfully. "Oops, didn't mean to say that out loud either. Heh, Sainzilla..." he chuckled.

* * *

"So, what kind of fighter are you, Wil?" Franz asked as they stood on the ship's deck. "Cavalier? Archer? Myrmidon? _Bard?_" 

"Oh...I'm a Sniper." Wil answered. Franz's eyes widened and he, along with everyone else in earshot, started to jump around and point at Wil, shouting.

"PREPROMOTE! PREPROMOTE! PREPROMOTE! PREPROMOTE!"

"Hey, quit it!" Wil retorted; he'd had enough of being made fun at in Elibe. "I'm a _good_ prepromote! Dan promoted me at level 20 and everything!"

"Yeah, tell it to someone who cares," Ephraim said, clearly disbelieving him.

Meanwhile, a heavyset man with graying hair and beard in thick riding armor approached him. "As the newest prepromote in the army, here is a list of your duties." The man handed Wil a tiny sheet of paper, then walked off, happier than before.

_Everything_

_After that, also getting killed off by Danielle_

"Danielle?" Wil asked. "Who..."

To answer his question, a girl approximately his age walked up in brown robes. She bore a strong resemblance to Wil's late Tactician in her sandy hair and green eyes, and seemed to be the exact same height. "I'm Danielle, the Tactician! You know, the guy that left you here had the same name as my separated-at-birth twin brother! Anyway, get to scrubbing the ship off!" She walked off haughtily after giving Wil his first duty. He gulped. _Hopefully she'll be nicer than her brother..._

Wil's hope proved wrong. When Danielle had said 'the ship,' she meant the entire thing. Wil hung from some ropes just above the waterline, scrubbing the sides of the ship.

"Put some elbow grease into it!" Danielle shouted from the deck. "If we get broadsided, we can at least do it looking like we aren't pirates!" Wil grumbled. He was already starting to dislike Dan's sister.

* * *

Lunch at the Castle Ostia was interrupted by a frantic sentry running up to Lord Uther. 

"Sir, sir!" The sentry paused to pant; he'd obviously sprinted a great distance in heavy armor. Wallace looked at him reproachfully and shivered. "Sir, there's..." he trailed off and continued to pant. "Sir, the...the..." he panted some more, resting with his hands on his knees. "Sir, sir, the...augh..." he started wheezing.

"Spit it out, man!" Uther said, smacking the sentry on the back of the helmet. By sheer force of will the NPC stood up and managed to talk cohesively.

"Sir, sir! The Black Fang is attacking! They're already inside the castle!"

* * *

"Milady, Milady!" Ross the Pirate yelled, running up to Danielle as she continued to yell at Wil. "We're under attack! They've already breached our hull!" 

Danielle's eyes widened in shock. "WHAT? How did they do it without us knowing?"

Ross hastily corrected himself. "Uh, I mean we're just under attack! By monsters!"

Danielle continued to be surprised, and puzzled. "Monsters? How do they guide a ship without reasonable intelligence or opposable thumbs?"

"Maybe they swim behind and push!"

"Are you kidding? The force required to guide a ship like that would be astronomical! You'd need at least..." She discreetly pulled out her official Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones guide and flipped through it. "26 strength for that! And there's no way they'd send anything that strong against us this early in the game-I mean, adventure!"

"But what if they have a giant squid? We're doomed!"

"There's no such thing in The Sacr-Magvel!"

An arrow bouncing off Ross' rock-hard muscles (praise his 19 defense!) alerted them to their situation. "I'll make preparations for the battle! You alert everyone!" She ran off as fast as her robes would allow to her cabin for some quick reading.

Ross walked to the railing and shouted out to the approaching ship. "Stop...scratching...my..._MUSCLES!_" He then ran off after Danielle to below decks, screaming bloody murder. "Bloody murder! Bloody Murder!"

Soon after, Danielle had everyone lined up on the deck to select her fighters. She pointed to party members as she selected them. "You! (Ephraim) You! (Ross) You! (Natasha) You! (Lute)" She continued this way until she had the named four and Forde, Cormag, Vanessa, Tana, Neimi, and Gilliam. As she was pointing to Amelia, her hand suddenly slowed to a stop as if she were moving it through gelatin. "Wh-Wha?"

"I think you already have the maximum, milady!" Seth said, looking interestedly through the guide.

Danielle quickly counted the people she'd chosen. "No, there's definitely ten! Wait a minute..." She walked over to the railing and looked down at Wil, who was still hurriedly scrubbing the side of the ship. "Wil! Get to the hold and out of the battle! You're taking up the spot of a _good_ unit!"

Wil seized his opportunity to fight. "Uh, I can't come up! I'd, uh...get the bends!"

Danielle shrugged and turned to Gilliam and Ross. "He has a point. You two, bring him up _really slowly!_ And give me that!" She snatched her player's guide from Seth on her way to the crow's nest to survey the battle.

As the ship drew closer and was flanked by strange flying things, Wil pulled out his Iron Bow and tied the telescope he kept to it. He peered out looking for targets and gasped. The flyers weren't Pegasus or Wyvern Knights, but bizarre flying monsters and enormous eyes! And the ship itself was crewed by the living dead! Pretending to be fearless, he started to aim and blasted one of the eyes with a critical. "Yes!" He pumped his fist, then nocked another arrow and repeated the process.

Danielle shouted at him distantly from the crow's nest. "HEY! Stop stealing our kills!"

"What are you gonna do about it?" Wil retorted. He was immediately punished for his insolence as Seth dumped the waste bucket over his head. He quickly dunked it in the ocean, then continued firing.

* * *

Battle preparations were hastily made for the defense of Castle Ostia. Cerk and Pent had been elected to act together as the new Tactician, and Louise was a third member, unable to resist giving constant advice to her husband. The three had picked two main groups to attack from the throne room they'd gathered in. Hectas, Nector, Wallace, Sainzilla, Kent, Fiora (now with Heath's Delphi Shield), and Cerk himself would be in the western group; Oswin, Matthew, Lucius, Lyn, and Florina would be in the eastern group. Priscino, Karel, Rath, and Wil had gone missing and were assumed to be catching up elsewhere in the battle. 

"Lord Pent," Fiora pleaded with the new co-Tactician. "You can't send my sister into this battle! Matthew has already reported archers everywhere, including the leader; she won't stand a chance! And I'm adopted!" The Falcoknight burst into tears as she remembered the trauma yet again.

"Don't worry, Fiora," Pent assured her. "She would only be in danger _if she were flying!_"

Fiora looked up at him. "...she won't be flying?"

"Of course not! Her Pegasus can't carry her while she's wielding the Durandel!"

* * *

'Wil' grinned maniacally as he finished tying Rath's bonds. "This was too easy...though as I always said, there's no such thing as 'too easy'." 

"You monster!" Priscino shouted, lying tied up nearby. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm not really Wil, my pretty," Dan said, grinning even more and dropping his bow. As it hit the ground, she gasped.

"D-Dan! How did you infiltrate us? And why did we fall for that lame costume?"

"Don't insult my disguises. Karel, have you broken out of your bonds yet?"

"Of course," the Swordmaster said, already standing directly behind him with his sword across Dan's throat.

"That's the Karel I knew and loved. Now, for my revenge..." Dan elbowed Karel hard in the stomach before he could react and easily escaped, then charged a brilliant, yet somehow dark light in his hands. Karel slumped to the ground and groaned in agony as the spell affected him.

"Blast! What are you..." He and Priscino both gasped and suddenly jerked. He continued in a softer tone. "...what? Where did my..." He climbed to his feet and saw Priscino. At the sight of each other, they both started screaming their heads off.

Stoic Rath finally spoke and assessed the situation. "...you switched their personalities again?"

"Exactly, stupid!"

"This is growing confusing..."

'Priscino' managed to escape from her bonds with Karel's cunning. "What? Curse this pathetic little body! CURSE YOU!" He yelled as loud as Nino's little lungs allowed, surprised by how high-pitched his voice was now.

Dan turned to Rath. "And don't think I've forgotten you..." He cast another dark spell, then quickly vanished again.

Rath's eyes widened to Serra-like proportions and he started talking as though he had had several drops of Hyper-Coffee. "Omigosh omigosh I like totally can't stop talking hey why can't I stop talking let me stop talking stop talking stop talking STOP STOP STOP TALKING!" He continued to jabber on, horrified with himself but unable to stop talking.

* * *

Danielle couldn't yell curses and insults at Wil fast enough to keep up with the rate of the kills he was acquiring. Dead Gargoyles and Mogalls floated all around the ships, as well as a third that had docked on the far side of the enemy one, and undead freaks littered the decks. He had already exhausted his entire supply of arrows and had begun taking the wicked-looking ones he'd been dodging from the hull behind him. He was running out of time, though; he was already over halfway up the side of the ship for his 'decompression', and Ross and Gilliam were fuming at the kills he was stealing. 

"YOU STUPID PREPROMOTE! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" Danielle was screaming her head off at him, but he simply ignored her. Besides his new Tactician's rage, the battle was going extremely well; his new allies had overrun the enemy ship and reached the third one, the contents of which he didn't know. Wanting to use his remaining arrows, he'd taken to showing off by bulls-eying seagulls and fish.

* * *

Florina ran down another corridor clutching the Durandel, wide-eyed from a mix of complete terror at her first battle on foot, surprise at how she had become so powerful, and the two drops of Hyper-Coffee she'd drunk before the battle. Luckily, most of the enemies were dark magic users, who fell easily to her sword and resistance to magic, and archers, who were no longer much of a threat to the ground-bound Pegasus Knight. After managing to take out yet another archer, she spotted a fearsome new enemy: a Swordmaster. 

The enemy spotted her and charged, drawing a Killing Edge. "Eek!" Florina screamed; even with the Hyper-Coffee, she knew she was far too slow to match a trained Swordmaster.

"Heh..." The Swordmaster smirked as he eyed his target. "It's almost a shame you had to meet me, little girl," he said as he grinned. "Time for your doom!" He leaned back and held his sword out as he split into four illusionary copies. Florina screamed again and trembled, bracing herself for what she hoped wouldn't be her death.

"I'm takin' you down!" the first copy shouted, holding his sword close.

"Hey, wait, it's my turn!" the third copy shouted even louder.

"No, it's mine!" the fourth said.

"Let's draw straws," the second copy said.

"Not _that_ again!" one of them said. "I'm the real Pontiac, and I get to kill her!"

"No, I'm the real one!" another Swordmaster shouted.

"Let's all just kill her at once!" Florina began to feel less afraid as the Swordmasters continued to argue. Would they really kill her?

Five minutes later, a copy (or was it the real one?) finished up the argument. "Okay, okay, okay, so _I_ hit her, then you, then you, you, and you. We each beat her one-fifth to death. Everyone's happy."

"Agreed," another one said. "Now, let's-AIEEE!" They all flickered out of existence as Florina finally managed to stab the real one after a few minutes of experimental poking.

"Sorry..." she said as the real Swordmaster collapsed. She quickly ran off to rejoin the others.

* * *

The battle of Ostia was almost over. The rank-and-file troops had been dispatched, along with several annoying Druids, Matthew had plundered the castle's treasure (they could always pay later...much later) and been sent to the secret shop he'd discovered with his imaginary 'treasure sense', and the only one left was the enemy's Sniper leader, Denning. Both battle groups sprinted down a hallway to find him, and paused as they heard two echoing voices, one belonging to Cerk, and the other an odd monotone. 

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"Yes, but how do you think his rise to power has affected the welfare of the common citizenry of Bern as a whole?"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"True, but I think his economical policies are overly harsh."

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"Are you blind to the evidence? What about the royal guard scandal?"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

Everyone else (except the missing four) finally caught up to the bizarre conversation and gaped as Cerk spoke to Denning.

"But it's clearly a symbol of his thirst for power, and---oh, hello, everyone," Cerk said, finally noticing them.

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'" Denning replied, seemingly oblivious to them but mechanically drawing his enormous Silver Bow. The others responded by readying their various weapons and advancing on the Sniper.

"No, don't!" Cerk pleaded. "This is the best conversation I've had since I stopped living with my mother!" He looked down and blushed. "...I shouldn't have said that."

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"See? He's harmless!" Cerk said, grabbing Denning's hand to stop him from reaching for his bow again. "Can we keep him?"

"I suppose..." Lyn grudgingly said. "...if we take his weapons. Where are the stragglers?"

"Lady Lyndis, Lady Lyndis!" Karel's voice shouted from nearby as un-Karel-ly as possible. "It's horrible The one we thought was Wil was really Dan in disguise!"

"What? No! ...how did we fall for such a lame disguise?"

"That's what I wanted to know! And why don't you sound like Karel?"

"Dan switched his personality with mine!"

"So you're Prikarel now," Lyn ventured.

"More like Karilla, milady," Kent corrected.

"Thank you, Kent. Where are Rath and, uh...Karino now?" Lyn asked her.

"They're coming." Soon after Karilla said this, Rath rode up, followed by 'Karino', who had a look on his/her face that suggested a strong desire for a stress-relieving killing spree.

"There they are," Hectas said, relieved. "I guess this solves everything!"

"Wait..." Lyn said. "If Dan was Wil, where's the real Wil?"

* * *

After the sea battle was over, Wil had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that after his kill-stealing rampage, Danielle had sworn to get revenge and kill him by any means necessary. _Here I go again,_ Wil thought. _At least Danielle isn't a super-powered morph of pure evil._

The good news had nothing to do with horse insurance; their apparent leader, Lord Ephraim, had recruited a Berserker named Dozla from the mysterious third ship who had been all too happy to take over Wil's prepromote duties.

"Gwa ha ha ha ha!" the Berserker laughed as he surfaced next to the ship. "I'm almost done scrubbing the bottom, Lady Danielle! Those barnacles are puttin' up a good fight, but I'll get the better of 'em!" He took another deep breath, then dove back under, leaving a cloud of red where he'd been swimming.

* * *

_Is Dozla crazy? Will the FE7 people discover Wil's terrible fate? Will Danielle go as far as her brother to get revenge of Wil? Does Denning really make for good conversation? Does Canas have a pathetic secret past? And does Wil really wet the bed? Find out in Chapter 9!_

**There's Chapter 8! R&R, and keep the votes coming! Next time: the weddings!**

**Wil: YAY!**

**Oh, I mean, Chapter 9!**

**Wil: NO!**

**Franz: Hey, Wil, wet the bed yet?**

**Wil: AAAAAHHHHH! _(runs away)_**

**Karino: Must...kill...Dan...**

**Yeah, you do that.**

**Denning: This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'**

**Hey, this guy is deep...**


	9. Chapter 9: Drink at your own Risk

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Ninth-Drink at your own Risk

* * *

_

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"He's so cute!" Cerk exclaimed as he followed Denning through the camp. "Can we keep him?"

"I think we already have," Lyn answered, groaning. They had grudgingly agreed to take the single-minded Sniper morph along with them at Cerk's request, but his constant attempts to kill them were becoming annoying. Today, he'd already attempted to raid Merlinus' tent for weapons three times, all the while repeating his catchphrase. Meanwhile, the party had decided on its final course of action: they would return to the Dread Isle to stop Nergal. First, they were to return to the port of Badon, which meant...

"_More walking? _Aaaaaaaaaaooooouuuuuuuuoooaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhhhhhh..." Serra lamented, groaning for over 20 seconds and making people stare, impressed by her lung power. "Slave boy! Carry me the whole way!"

"Please, Elimine, if you have mercy, let this trip kill me..." Eliwood muttered, picking Serra up.

"I'm in the mood to kill something," Karino said darkly. He/She had replaced Nino's cute outfit with assassin's gear, and had somehow acquired a Killing Edge again. "I hope this pathetic body is at least strong enough to decapitate things."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the _Davros_, good news was beginning. 

"What happen?" Danielle called up to Franz, the watchman.

"Someone set up us the land!" he yelled down from the crow's nest. "I mean, land ho! I can see the port!"

"Yes!" Danielle cheered. "We're almost there!"

"Not so fast," Wil said, leveling his bow at her.

"W-what? What is this?" Danielle demanded, shocked at his betrayal.

"I have no idea how I got here, but I know exactly how I'm getting back to Elibe! You're going to turn this ship around and take me there! Or turn it in whatever direction is right!"

"You're crazy!" Danielle retorted.

"Oh, no?" Wil asked. "Try and stop me." He strung another arrow onto his bow for effect.

"Gah! Curse you, Wil!" Danielle said angrily. "Curse you and your prepromote powers!"

Wil lost his temper. "For the last time, _I'm not a prepromote!_" He let an arrow loose, thinking to weaken the troops by ending their leadership, but a sudden gust of wind caused by a rise in temperature in the ocean from light from the planet Venus reflected off a weather balloon through swamp gas threw his aim off, and the arrow flew through the shoulder of Danielle's robes, taking them with it into the ocean. Everyone gasped...then gasped again as they saw she was wearing an identical robe underneath.

"Hah!" she laughed. "One down, 37 to go!"

Franz's eyes widened with understanding. "So _that's_ why she takes an hour every morning to get dressed!"

Danielle reluctantly made a decision. "I never thought I'd say this, but...prepromotes! _Advance on him!_"

Seth, Duessel, and Dozla, the first two surprised at actually being called into battle, lined up to face Wil. They slowly advanced, looking as intimidating as possible. Gradually, they came forward, brandishing their weapons...then they came right up to Wil and stopped, unsure of what to do.

"So, uh..." Seth asked uneasily. "What do we do now, stop here or keep advancing?"

"Ugh, idiots..." Danielle groaned, putting her hand on her forehead just like Dan used to. "Get some common sense and stop the mutiny!"

"Uh...how?" Duessel asked. Clearly his inactivity during the voyage had taken away from of his experience.

"_Kill him!_" she screamed.

The prepromotes finally got some sense and attacked. Seth backed up to get a running start with his lance, Dozla began twirling his axe for a ferocious critical, and Duessel brutally swiped at Wil with his sword; Wil barely managed to jump out of the way before Seth came charging at him. He whipped out his hunting knife and parried Seth's attack with his amazing 21 strength, then quickly got out an arrow and shot his horse in the rear as it passed, causing it to panic and carry its rider over the edge of the ship.

By the time Wil heard the cataclysmic splash below, he was in furious hand-to-hand combat with Duessel again, parrying powerful sword attacks as best as he could with his knife and struggling to get enough distance to let loose with his bow. Finally, he let a slash carry him through a roll under Duessel's horse; he immediately strung an arrow with a twirl and fired a critical. Amazingly, it didn't pierce Duessel's thick riding armor, but had enough force to knock him off his horse and onto the deck, where the Great Knight lay sprawled and struggling to stand.

Meanwhile, Dozla had _finally_ finished preparing for the critical of the century and let it loose in a devastating downward chop. Wil stepped to the left, and the axe embedded itself explosively in the deck. As Dozla struggled to remove it, Wil calmly walked up and clubbed him on the head with his knife to knock him out. The battle won, he stepped back and took a bow. Several party members couldn't help but find themselves clapping at his skill, but Danielle wasn't impressed.

"Gah! Curse you, Wil!" She screamed.

Not intimidated, Wil strung another arrow at her. "So I was saying about turning this ship around?"

* * *

Dan watched from a nearby cliff through a spyglass as his targets continued on towards the port of Badon. As he plotted his next act of revenge, he noticed they had a new ally. 

"Isn't that...that Denning idiot Lord Nergal sent to Ostia?" Dan wondered aloud. "What's he doing with them? I smell opportunity...heh-heh-heh..." He got to work and began preparing a spell. But first, it was time for some thievery...

* * *

"So then I said to him 'omigosh' and he was all like 'omigosh' and I was like 'that is sooo cool' and he was like 'shyeah' and she was like 'way' and I was like..." Rath conversed rapidly with Serra as she rode on Eliwood's back, the two seeming to speak another language with their disturbingly fast talking. Rath never seemed to stop. 

"Wow, it's like, we're talking on a different LEVEL!" Serra jabbered to Eliwood as Rath continued.

"Just when I thought this party couldn't get any weirder... Lyn said, shaking her head.

"Someone...anyone...please kill me..." Eliwood said, completely miserable at his fate.

Suddenly, Merlinus sprinted up. "Lady Lyndis! Lady Lyndis! Lady Lyndis! Oh my goodness!" He made it to her and collapsed, clutching his side.

"What?" Lyn asked, desperate to know what had made Merlinus go so crazy.

"Good morning, milady," he said.

"You nearly gave yourself a heart attack for _that?_" Lyn asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow.

"That, and he's within the 'up-the-dress' angle," Sainzilla pointed out, eying them with a geometric eye.

"Ugh!" Lyn said, kicking Merlinus and backing away, then smacking Sainzilla for his/her ever-sick mind.

"Sorry, milady, I could not refuse," Merlinus admitted.

"Not you too..." Lyn groaned.

"Anyway, I have worse news!" Merlinus said, becoming frantic again. "We're out of water!" Everyone around him gasped at the news.

"Survival of the fittest!" Hectas cried, sprinting to the food tent and grabbing a bottle of soy sauce, which he immediately began chugging, a disgusted look at the drink growing on his face. "Ahhh...precious, life-giving soy sauce..." he said with revulsion, soy sauce running down his cheeks hilariously.

"Don't worry, no one is going to have to drink soy sauce," Cerk said soothingly. "Except me." He swept the soy sauce out of Hectas' hand and took a sip. "Mmmm. Anyway, I will get to work immediately on creating a water substitute out of grass. Eddie, come with me." The two mages walked off to their inventing tent.

* * *

After dumping out all the water barrels, Dan snuck around another tent, watching Denning. As usual, the mindless morph walked like a machine towards the arms tent, which seemed to be empty. Dan watched him go in, then emerge twenty seconds later carrying armfuls of swords, bows, and tomes. 

"He already seems to be doing an undercover job..." Dan said. "But my guidance couldn't hurt." He snapped his fingers to get Denning's attention. "Denning!"

The morph walked up, his face completely blank. "This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

"Yes, yes, I know. I'm working to torture and kill these fools as well. Join with me, and we shall rip them to shreds!"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

"I'll take that as a yes. Come with me." The two morphs silently left the camp and prepared for their next victims.

* * *

"All right, I have it!" Cerk said, holding up a flask of a slightly greenish, off-clear liquid. "I call it...Water Two!" 

"So...that stuff is made out of grass?" Dart asked.

"That's correct," Eddie replied.

"And you expect us to drink it?"

"Of course. You're a man of the sea, Dart; I expect you've had worse. Why don't you try some?"

"All right," Dart agreed reluctantly. "Arrr..." he growled, uncorking the flask and taking a swig. Immediately, he spat it back out in disgust as if he'd drunk lead-based paint. "Eeeeeuuurrrgh! Where did you get this filth, a latrine? This is the worst drink I've ever had!" He waited a moment, as if trying to get the aftertaste out of his mouth. Then, "Forget the taste, I gotta have more!" He eagerly began chugging again, spitting it out immediately again and getting Water Two on everyone. "This cripe makes me want to hurl...and I'm a pirate! But it really shivers me timbers!" He continued the cycle of spitting and drinking as everyone watched in confusion.

Hectas broke the silence. "What the heck is going on?"

"It...seems to be bitter, but highly addictive," Cerk replied. "To say the least."

"How is that even possible?" Lyn asked.

"I honestly don't know," Cerk said. They continued staring at Dart's bizarre experience until he'd drunk the whole flask.

"I never want to drink any of that stuff again," he said disgustedly. "Get me more!"

No one was sure what to make of Water Two.

* * *

"Heh, here I go, taking the ship where you want it, yes sir, heh heh, nothing unusual, hee-heh..." Seth's growing hysteria from being forced to navigate the ship with a nocked arrow pressing against the back of his head was getting to him. 

"Navigate faster!" Wil shouted, pressing the arrow especially hard. Seth let out a feminine scream and pulled the steering wheel back and forth.

"Uh..." Duessel said, still attempting to stand in his heavy armor. "Can anyone help me get up?"

* * *

Pandemonium was ensuing in the mess hall. Cerk and Eddie had filled several kegs with Water Two. Most of the party members had had their fatal first drink and were ravenously drinking the stuff down, becoming disgustingly bloated. It was the same with all of them; they seemed to hate the drink, but practically fought over the stuff all the same. The mages were working furiously to concoct more. Lyn and Florina, the only two smart enough to refrain from drinking the stuff, watched in horror. 

"This is just plain strange," Lyn said, half to herself.

"Yes..." Florina agreed. "I don't want to end up like them, but...what can we drink?"

"Come with me. I know a place," Lyn promised. The two of them silently filed out.

* * *

After hours of working in the woods, Dan allowed himself an evil laugh. His creation was done; he stepped back to admire it. 

"Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at it, Denning! It's perfect! A topiary of the Castle Bern, famed for its architecture!" He paused to admire what he had made out of the tree.

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

"Oh, shut up. They should be arriving any minute."

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

* * *

The madness continued in the mess hall. Bartre assisted Cerk and Eddie in carrying several more kegs in, which everyone (including them) tore into immediately, completely hooked. An argument broke out between several troops over the stuff. 

"This stuff tastes like cow manure!" Wallace exclaimed, shivering. "I should know, I had to live on the stuff for months back in 'Nam."

"No, it tastes more like horse manure!" Hectas replied, spitting some Water Two out in disgust.

"I say it's pig manure!" Matthew countered.

"Cow manure!"

"Horse manure!"

"Pig manure...!"

Their argument continued for a few minutes, then they all stopped and said in perfect, annoying unison:

"MORE WATER TWO, PLEASE!" They all grabbed their mugs and dove for the kegs to get more.

Nearby, Cerk groaned. "By Elimine, what have we done?" As he said this, Lowen rushed passed him, of-colored and burping furiously. The poor sap had drunk Water Two right after his Hyper-Coffee ration and learned the hard way that the two didn't mix.

* * *

Lyn and Florina continued their trek through the woods. "Just a bit farther this way. I remember a stream around here," Lyn assured her friend. 

"We've been walking for almost half an hour..." Florina noted. Suddenly, the two saw an unimaginable sight.

"By Elimine..." Lyn gasped.

"That's...that's..." Florina was speechless.

"That has to be the best craftsmanship I've ever seen!" Lyn said. They stood there for several moments, admiring the masterful sculpture made out of a tree. "I wonder who would bother putting this out here in the middle of nowhere?"

"Maybe it's not the middle of nowhere," Florina guessed. "Maybe there's a forest city near here."

"Or maybe you two lovely ladies just fell right into my trap," Dan said, dropping to the ground behind them silently. Lyn whipped around and reflexively reached for her sword; Florina simply screamed and tried to hide behind her. "I'm afraid there's no way out," Dan said with a chuckle. As he did, Denning appeared from the darkness behind them and nocked an arrow onto his Silver Bow.

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'" Somehow, he managed to sound just a bit more menacing this time.

"Denning!" Lyn exclaimed. "I knew you weren't to be trusted!"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

"Oh, shut up, you traitor. You'll never get away with this!" Lyn drew the Mani Katti and dashed at Dan. He drew his own two black twin blades, easily blocking the attack with one and delivering a slash at Lyn's torso with the other, which she had to awkwardly leap back to dodge.

"I-I'm coming, Lyn!" Florina cried, drawing the huge Durandel as quickly as she could and rushing to help her friend. It had been hours since her last drink of Hyper-Coffee, and she wasn't sure she could fight him as well as she had last time. Dan effortlessly fell into a pattern, fighting one woman with each sword. He circled around them, forcing them to both shift to keep attacking him and not each other.

Meanwhile, Denning drew his arrow back to prepare for an incredibly powerful shot. "This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle...'" He said the catchphrase almost like a mantra, concentrating hard. He let loose, but at that instant, all three fighters moved out of its path as if choreographed.

* * *

The arrow continuing on, narrowly missing trees, at an incredible speed. In seconds, it crossed the distance Lyn and Florina had traveled, passing directly through a torch at the edge of camp and superheating. It hit the wall of the latrine with such force that it went clean through, and struck a certain green-haired paladin squarely in the gut... 

A sudden _BOOM_ caused everyone to drop their mugs in surprise. It sounded like an explosion, right in their camp! Cerk dashed outside and saw where the blast had been, then understood exactly what had happened. The gas in Lowen had exploded. "I hope no one has to go to the bathroom anytime soon..."

* * *

The explosion was visible as a dim flash from the forest. Denning noted it and readied another arrow. 

Amazingly, Lyn and Florina were actually holding their own against Dan. With an unspoken strategy, they were attempting to drive him back against a certain big tree; Lyn was confident she could finish the late Tactician if he were trapped. However, Dan seemed to be sure of his victory, and even got in some gloating.

"Heh heh...I've been looking forward to this, Lyn," he smirked.

"What?" Lyn couldn't believe her ears. "I rescued you on the plains all that time ago! We were best friends! What do you have against me?"

"Simple...you snore," Dan said.

"Gasp!" Lyn gasped, obviously. "I do not!"

"Um...actually, Lyn," Florina replied as someone who had shared a tent with Lyn for weeks. "You...kind of do."

Lyn was shocked. "Florina! Now you're turning against me?"

Florina hunt her head sheepishly as she pressed the attack on Dan. "Sorry..."

"Ah yes, little Florina," Dan said, turning to her and redoubling his attack. She gave out a little 'Eep!' when the evil morph mentioned her name. "I haven't forgotten the shopping incident, you know." Florina eyes widened with terror at the traumatic realization. "And then spending all the money in chapt-I mean, the Shrine of Seals...you've been on top of my list."

Florina seemed to shrink in terror as she realized just how much Dan hated her. Finally, he saw what might have been an opening in her weakened defenses. It grew as Denning came to his senses and let another arrow fly, striking her in the side. He could tell it had missed any vital organs, but the pain gave him the opportunity he needed. _Finally..._

"Florina, no!" Lyn cried. Predictably, it was too late. Dan ran Florina through with one of his deadly blades and removed it in one smooth motion. She gave out a strangled scream and collapsed. "FLORINA!"

With only one combatant to fight, Dan finished Lyn in seconds, disarming her and leveling his blades in an X across her neck. "I really have been looking forward to this," he said, grinning devilishly. Lyn's head was swimming with despair and disbelief. As she glanced back at her wounded friend, her body took the easiest way out: she fainted.

* * *

"Someone set up us the land again!" Franz yelled from the crow's nest. "I mean, land ho!" 

"Yes!" Wil half-cheered. "Finally back home!" He snatched the spyglass from Danielle and peered at the coast. He frowned at what he saw. "Funny...that doesn't look like Elibe..."

* * *

_Where has the _Davros_ landed? What will Dan do to Lyn and Florina? Will Water Two's disgusting-yet-addictiveness tear the party apart? Does Danielle have bizarre dressing habits? Should Dan go into topiary design? Find out...in chapter 10!_

**That's right, everyone! It's finally back! Sorry about the 3 or 4-month hiatus; life and especially Guild Wars got in the way. But I'm finally back! Please R&R!**

**Everyone: CHEER!**

**Florina: Funny...I can talk normally now, like my lungs aren't punctured...**

**Lyn: That's because...um...uh...just don't ask. I don't really understand it myself.**

**Wallace, Hectas, and Matthew: MORE WATER TWO PLEASE!**

**Oh, shut up... Also, I thought I'd compile all the spirit-shuffled characters for reference. Spirit comes first, body second.**

**Karel/Nino-Karino**

**Priscilla/Karel-Karilla**

**Canas/Erk-Cerk**

**Nino/Hector-Nector**

**Erk/Sain-Eddie**

**Sain/Priscilla-Sainzilla**

**Canas/Hector-Hectas**


	10. Chapter 10: Double Crossover

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Tenth-Double Cross...Over

* * *

_

"What do you mean, it doesn't look like Elibe?" Danielle asked. "Are you saying you're lost? Ugh, how typical." She grumbled. "Guys never ask for directions."

"What am I supposed to do," Wil asked, "walk over and say 'Hey, you there! Passing sea lion! Which way to Elibe?' or something?"

She became more exasperated. "Why not ask whoever lives on this island which way to go?"

"Right, right," Wil agreed. "I'll go ashore in a boat and find someone. And so you guys don't maroon me here, I'm taking Danielle with me." He immediately grabbed her and held an arrow to her head. She was shocked, but realized his plan was smart and kept quiet. "Ross, you're a man of the sea; you come along to row."

"My class is just Pirate; I've never sailed before in my life!" Ross exclaimed. "GET ME OFF THE BOAT!" He ran and dove off the _Davros_ into the lifeboat, making fake gagging noises over the edge. Wil escorted Danielle into it after them, and Duessel and Dozla lowered it. Immediately, the front end of the boat tipped and all 3 of them fell into the ocean. Ross continued to panic.

"Ahhh! I can't swim! HELP ME!"

"Sorry, Lady Tactician!" Duessel apologized. "Together now!" They both released their ropes...and dropped the boat right on top of the swimmers.

Five minutes later, Wil nursed the enormous bump on his head as Danielle helped Ross spit out the water and seaweed he'd swallowed. Finally, they were underway, with Wil holding Danielle hostage and Ross rowing.

"So..." Danielle said nervously, attempting to start a conversation and staring at the arrow aimed at her forehead. "Have you used a bow for long?"

"No talking, prisoner!' Wil said in an artificially tough voice. "We won't have any Stockholm syndrome here!" Danielle sighed and watched the water go by as Ross rowed them to shore.

* * *

The addiction to Water Two was worse than ever. Cerk and Eddie worked as fast as they could to continue making more, and the soldiers could never get enough, even though they all hated the taste. Nector had somehow found a way to shoot it out of his/her ears by plugging his/her noise and mouth. Apparently, Lowen had even included in his will that he be buried in a tank of Water Two if he should die; the mages did their best to put him together and into the barrel.

"This is bad," Cerk said. "How will the men fight like this?"

"I don't know..." Eddie said. "Wait, I wonder..." He got a glass of Water Two and poured it down the throat of Heath, who was still unconscious after Dan's spell several chapters ago. "Maybe this will be strong enough to wake him up."

* * *

Heath was corned. The killer elms had him trapped against a huge wall of purple glass and were advancing. _No... Not the elms... Ahhh! _Out of nowhere, relief came. A huge river swept through and washed the elms away. Heath cheered, then suddenly realized he was parched. He knelt to drink the water, but as soon as it touched his throat, it burned like dragon's blood. He screamed noiselessly as everything faded to white...

* * *

"Did it work?" Cerk asked. At least 15 seconds had passed, with no response from Heath. The continued to wait. Then, without warning...

"MORE WATER TWO PLEASE!" Heath said the obnoxious catchphrase, then ran off to the mess hall.

"How did he know what it was called?" Cerk said, massaging his forehead in frustration.

"Next on the to-do list..." Eddie said to himself, checking a roll of parchment.

"You have a to-do list now?" Cerk asked.

"Of course," Eddie said. "I figured that we're basically running the whole camp, so I had to stay organized. "Find Lyn and Florina? Oh, no! They're missing?"

"Organized, eh?" Cerk said, rubbing his forehead again.

* * *

A quarter hour later, Ross picked the boat up with his amazing 21 strength and set it on the shore. "Okay, here we are!" Wil said. "Don't try anything funny!" He continued to aim his loaded bow at Danielle. "Now help me find where we are!"

Before they could proceed, a well-dressed, experienced-looking soldier appeared. He started speaking with a silver tongue. (Literally, they noticed and stared) All his weapons and armor seemed to be silver as well.

"Whath thith?" He said, slurring his words because of the tongue. "A sthrangthly drethed mang holdin a sthrangthely drethed lwomang an mang at arrowpoingt? You peopoe wook wike...""

"It's not what you think!" Wil exclaimed. "Seriously!"

"...new recruths for the Begniong Army!" he finished.

"Huh?" Danielle said at the mention of Begnion. "Where?"

"We definitely aren't in Elibe..." Wil said.

"Begniong ish 'e biggeft counshrie ing all o' Tfelliuf!" he answered.

"Tellius..." Danielle said. "That sounds familiar somehow...

"Who are you, anyway?" Ross asked the lisping soldier.

"I'm Capthaing Thtupidsh of 'e Begniong Army!" He said.

"Captain Stupid?" Wil asked incredulously.

"Ngo, Capfaing Thtupidsh," he corrected. "We have shdifferengt rangksh thang o'er counshrieth."

"Let's abandon this loony and get back to the boat," Wil said, exasperated with the barely-understandable capfaing.

"No," said Danielle. "I want to try to find someone here."

"You know someone in this new land, Lady Tactician?" Ross asked, interested.

"Yes, in fact," Danielle replied. "I wonder where he is now..."

"Uh, hello?" Wil said as if they were children. "I'm the hostage-taker here. I decide where we go."

Suddenly, Danielle seemed to vanish, blurring and reappearing behind Wil in a heartbeat with a sharp knife across his jugular. "I don't think so," se said, grinning.

"Whoah...!" Wil exclaimed in surprise, tensing up. "If you're a deadly assassin, why didn't you use your leet skilllzor2 before?"

"I've been...trying to leave that part of my life behind," she replied.

"Hm..." Ross said to himself out loud, trying to sound thoughtful but coming off stupid. "Methinks there's more to the Lady Tactician than meets the eye..." He stroked his chin ridiculously.

"Wow!" Thtupidsh replied. "Fat'sh amaving! 'E Begniong Army wansh YOU!" He pointed to Danielle.

"Let's go," she said contently, leading Wil at knifepoint and Ross to follow the crazy soldier.

* * *

Lyn woke up and slowly opened her eyes, letting them adjust to the night's darkness. Seconds later, panic gripped her as she realized why she had been unconscious. "Florina!" Next, she realized she was hanging by her arms and legs between two branches. She glanced over to her friend, who looked terrible. Her injuries hadn't been treated. The arrow wound on her side was extremely bloody and hadn't entirely stopped bleeding, but the stab wound looked even worse, if possible. Lyn gasped; it seemed to be turning black. "What in Elimine's name is happening to her?"

Denning emerged from the shadows. "This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

Dan soon followed. "I'll field this one, Denny. You, my former friend, are witnessing my final revenge on that bumbling crybaby androphobe Florina. Due to a...unique spell I imbued my sword with, the wound is steadily growing on her. It is transforming her into...something else. When it reaches her brain, she will either become my supernatural mind-linked slave for eternity, or die. I hope it isn't that second one; I didn't have much time to work on the spell."

Lyn flew into a rage. "You basta...bast...ba...ba-ba...dastard!" Strangely, some invisible force seemed to prevent her from swearing and changed her b into a d. Frustrated, she struggled against her bonds.

"I doubt that will help, my pretty. Denny here was a boy scout." Lyn let out an anguished sob and slumped down, entirely hopeless. _I justhope they're looking for us now, and not too busy drinking that Water Two...

* * *

_

A few hours later, the three reached the barracks in the capital city. Ross and even Wil (in spite of himself) were wide-eyed at the sight of the splendor in the city.

"Wow," Wil said. "There's nothing like this even in the biggest cities in Elibe..."

"Bah, this is nothing," Ross boasted. "I once found an island with towers the size of mountains! Everything was plated in solid gold and silver, and the people-"

"I thought you weren't a man of the sea," Wil corrected smugly.

"Oh, shut up," Ross grumbled.

As they reached the palace,sharp-looking young man with short, straight blue hair in full red armor walked up to them. Thankfully, he spoke normally as he introduced himself. He paid no attention to how Danielle had her knife across Wil's throat.

"Welcome to Begnion, travelers. I am General Zelgius, commander of the forced stationed here."

"Pleasure to meet you," Danielle replied.

"You'll have to forgive Captain Thtupidsh. He's unparalleled in combat--we call him the Silver Knight--it's just that no one understands what he's saying. I personally just smile and nod. He's moved more into recruiting as of late, but we think he's starting to go in the head. We keep telling him there's no one to recruit on that beach. Heh, I guess he was finally right this time." Zelgius chuckled.

"It's all right," said Danielle. "Just never let him near us again."

"You know," Zelgius said thoughtfully, you're the second group of armed travelers to arrive in Begnion by boat in days."

"We are?" Danielle asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Aren't," Zelgius corrected. "And yes. The other was a group of traveling mercenaries that had sailed all the way from Crimea! Come to think of it, their tactician looked a bit like you, lass. Creeped me out half to death, though..."

"I knew it!' Danielle exclaimed. "Where are they?"

"In another audience with the Apostle," Zelgius replied. "She's taken a liking to them ever since they rescued her at sea.

"We're going to meet them," she said, leading Ross and Wil off (Wil at knifepoint, as usual).

"Hold on, you can't just walk in on the Apostle!" Zelgius said, pursuing them. Danielle simply reached out and grabbed his shoulder, making him slump unconscious instantly.

"Problem solved," she said, leading them in the direction Zelgius had indicated.

* * *

"Soon, they reached a large, high-ceilinged chamber. A young girl in expensive-looking clothing, presumably the Apostle, sat on a plush throne talking to a blue-haired young man and another man-or was it a woman? about the same age as he and Danielle. They and everyone else in the room (at least twenty total) all turned to regard the newcomers.

"Danske!" Danielle called. The freaky man-woman stoof up and Wil got a better look at him...or her? Though he/she bore a resemblance to Danielle, Wil couldn't judge Danske's gender. He/she had a half-masculine, half-feminine face and shoulder-length hair in a style that would fit both. His/her bulky robes made his/her figure impossible to judge. He/she spoke in a voice that was too soft and high to be male, but too deep to be female.

"Danielle!" the two presumably-siblings embraced. Danielle turned to introduce Danske.

"Wil, Ross, this is Danske, my also-separated-at-birth twin...uh...what was it?"

"I prefer not to divulge that information," Danske said simply.

"Right, right. Looks like you're a tactician too!"

"That is correct." Danske turned to address the mercenaries. "Everyone, this is Danielle, my separated-at-birth twin sister. She's a tactician from a foreign land."

"Ah, Danielle!" An orange-haired knight in blue armor walked up and kissed her hand. "A pretty name for such a pretty-"

"I know 43 different ways to kill you," Danielle said coldly to him. "Don't make me choose one." The knight turned red and retreated, afraid.

"Hello, Danielle," the blue-haired young man said, standing. "I'm Ike, the leader of these mercenaries. Since you two tacticians seem to know each other, perhaps you and your friends would like to join us? We've allied with Begnion to fight the forces of Daein and need all the strong and skilled fighters we can get."

Danielle thought briefly. "Hm...okay." Wil and Ross were both taken aback.

"What?" Wil cried. "I wanna go home! We can't get sidetracked here!"

"I hate to say it, but the prepromote's right," Ross added. "We have our own quest to take care of in Magvel!"

"You think I didn't take care of that?" Danielle said, insulted. "I have a special agent working on the demon ki-I mean, Grado problem.

* * *

Back in Magvel, a man in the port bizarrely addressed one of those drinking birds. It stood over 6 feet tall and a bucket of water was placed in front of it.

"So, Sir...Squawk," the man said, reading some instructions. "You have been assigned to defeat the forces of Grado! Are you prepared for this dangerous mission?" The bird continued to dunk its beak. "Do you even mean that? You've been nodding the whole time! Answer me!"

* * *

"Yep..." said Danielle. "He'll be fine."

"If there are no objections, let's discuss your contracts," Ike said.

"Huh, booo-ring," Wil groaned. He slipped out of the room and into the palace, going on a walk.

"So," a young-looking green-haired boy no older than 11 or 12 said, walking up to Wil half an hour later. "You're the newest archer type."

"Sniper," Wil corrected. He noticed the boy had a short bow hung on his back.

"Yeah, whatever, you prepromote," Rolf said.

"Watch what you say, kid!" Wil growled, getting annoyed by the upstart kid. "I'm better than you'll ever be!"

"Oh, is that so?" Rolf said casually, getting his bow out. "How about a contest to prove that?"

"You're on!" exclaimed Wil. He couldn't wait to put Rolf in his place.

"Okay," said Rolf. "You see that portrait?" He pointed to a nearby, old-looking portrait of a dignified man with a beard. "His left eye is the bulls-eye. See if you can hit it."

"Easy!" Wil took several steps away as he strung an arrow and peered down its length to the left eye. With almost no hesitation, he fired. The arrow traveled instantly and lodged itself directly in the pupil. "Ouch," Wil commented on the painful-looking shot. "Beat that!"

"Nah," Rolf said in a singsong voice. "But for one thing, you hit his right eye--I meant _his _left. And for another thing, you just wrecked a 200-year-old painting!" He finished loudly enough for nearby guards to hear him and ran off, laughing hysterically.

"Grrr, that little..." Wil cursed under his breath. He was already starting to hate the insufferable brat. Suddenly, a girl about his age with long black hair walked up to him.

"Um...hello, Wil was it?" she said in a soft voice. "My name is Astrid. I'm new to this band and to the bow, and I haven't enjoyed Rolf's company any more than you have. Perhaps you could help teach me?"

"Uh...sure," Wil said, taken aback by her sudden request. He realized that she was quite attractive, and that he was blushing.

"Thank you!" she smiled, sending Wil's heart into cartwheels. "But it'll have to wait. It looks like someone wants to talk to you." She walked away slowly, waving goodbye shyly to Wil. He waved back, but was startled by a sudden rough hand on his shoulder. He whipped around to see a stern-looking guard.

"Come with me," the guard said in a hard voice. Wil groaned. He _really_ hated that kid.

* * *

Meanwhile, the rest of Danielle's troops waited on the _Davros_.

"Are...you sure they're coming back?" Colm asked, reclining in a hammock he'd made from spare sailcloth.

As usual, Neimi burst into tears. "Sniff...sniff...WAAAAAHHHH! They're never coming back! We're going to starve and die on this ship!"

"I hope you aren't right..." said Seth. "Danielle, where are you?"

"So..." Franz said. "Anyone know any card games?"

* * *

"Any idea what happened to those two?" Eddie asked Cerk, raising his voice above the din from the mess tent.

"None whatsoever. But I have a spell that can tell me!" Cerk raised his hands and a bright green light bloomed between them. It flew over and struck a nearby tent, turning it transparent and revealing Sainzilla dressing for bed. He/she screamed deafeningly. "Heh, heh.He...she asked me to make that spell. How ironic." Blushing, he quickly reversed it. "This is the one I want!" He cast another spell. All around them, ghostly footprints glowed on the ground."

"Cool! Eddie exclaimed.

"Now, we just find two suspicious pairs leading out of the camp!" The two sages immediately set to work looking.

* * *

"No, no, pull it back more like this," Wil said, attempting to guide Astrid's hand as she pulled her bow back.

"Thank you again, Wil...you're so skilled at this..." Astrid said sweetly. "You can teach me amazing things about archery, even with your arms bound in a 50-pound pillory."

Wil resented being reminded about what the guards had put him in. Shooting a bow was impossible; he hoped he wasn't getting out of practice without his sessions every 15 minutes.

As Astrid backed up a few more paces to increase the difficulty, one of the floor tiles inexplicably tilted and gave way under her foot, causing her to trip. Wil attempted to catch her, but went down as well because of the stupid pillory. _This is it!_ He thought. _I'm going to fall and happen to land right on her lips! It'll be so romantic!_

Things didn't go as planned, however. He missed her head by a foot and hit the floor, puckered lips first. He managed to get making an assortment of hilarious faces out of the way before he got up to see Astrid.

"O-oh! I'm so sorry, Wil!" she exclaimed.

"It's...it's fine." Wil discreetly spat out some blood. "But what could have...what's this tile?" He walked over to where she had tripped. The tile had split in half and fallen down 4 or 5 feet into what looked like a tunnel. "Cool! A secret passage! I wonder where it leads?"

"Wow...maybe my tripping wasn't so bad after all," Astrid commented.

"I'm goin' in!" Wil said immediately. "You go tell the others." He jumped down into the hole, but his pillory was too wide and he got a terrible jolt on his wrists and neck. "Owie..."

* * *

"Owie!" Cormag cried, sucking his fingers. He couldn't believe Franz considered "Bait-the-Mousetrap" a game.

"Hah-hah!" Franz exclaimed. "I win again! Who else wants to play?" No one said anything; they all backed away, guarding their fingers. Suddenly, Seth's voice was heard shouting down from the crow's nest.

"Attention, warriors of Magvel! I know that your faith in our lady Tactician's return is waning, but fear not! She has never failed us in the past, and she _will_ return forthwith! Always believe, for you shall be rewarded!

"What is he trying to do, start a Danielle cult?" Franz commented as Seth continued to rant about how great Danielle was and how she would return to reward her faithful soldiers soon.

Nearby, Neimi walked up, standing on the poop deck for a meager share of Seth's height. As usual, she looked as if she had just been, or was currently crying. "Sniff...don't listen to him! Everything she told us was a lie! Boo hoo hoo! We've been left here to rot forever! The end is near! We're all going to die! Waaaaah!" She began sobbing hysterically.

Keeping up the trend of entering and beginning sermons without warning, Lute opened a hatch and popped up from belowdecks. She sounded half crazy, almost hysterical. "Through my great and undoubtedly-true research, I have proven undisputably that three is the greatest of the numbers!" Everyone stared.

"...what does that have to do with anything?" Franz asked, giving her a strange look.

"It has everything to do with everything! Fall in awe at the magnificence of me and the number three!"

Seth delivered a reply. "Danielle shall return!"

"Waaaaaaahh! We've been abandoned! Repent! Repent!" Neimi ranted.

"Three is the greatest!"

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Franz said uneasily.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Ike, Danielle, Danke, and the Apostle all stood about the hole as Gatrie and Boyd lifted Wil out of it.

"Any idea what this is?" Danielle asked, eying it uneasily.

"No," replied the Apostle. "I was never aware of any secret tunnels in the palace..."

"We should send someone down to find out where it leads," Ike said.

"No, we should seal it immediately," Danske countered. "Someone could be using it to gain access to the palace!"

"Danielle, what is your say?" asked Ike.

"I think we should..." She trailed off as footsteps running down the corridor were heard, getting closer. Everyone carrying a weapon drew it, and watched the hole nervously.

* * *

_Who is coming to dinner-I mean, down the corridor? Will Eddie and Cerk find Lyn and Florina before the latter is taken over by the wound? Will the cults aboard the _Davros_ go to war? Is Ross a failure as a man of the sea? Is Dansk a man or a woman, anyway? Is Danielle a dangerous assassin or something? Is Kent a redhead? Is three truly the best number? Do you ever want to hear "is" again? Find out...in chapter 11!_

**It's done, everyone! Enjoy chapter 10!**

**Lyn: I'll kill that Dan! I'll kill the bastar...bast...dastard! What the?**

**Oh, sorry about that. Blame NoA.**

**Neimi: Boo-hoo-hoo! The end is near! Repent now!**

**Oh, shut up.**

**Thtupish: Wafte andg wefview, efvewyonge!**

**Seriously, what is he saying?**

**Zelgius: No one knows...**


	11. Chapter 11: Final Chapter

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Eleventh-NOT the Final Chapter (psych)

* * *

_

Everyone was completely motionless. The only sound in the hall was the constant patter of rapid footsteps. They grew nearer and near. The source of the feet spoke as he approached.

"Hey, why is this thing open..." He came to the hole and saw everyone waiting for him. "Oh, sh-"

"I knew it!" Danske exclaimed, grabbing the armored soldier from the hole by the collar (or what passed for it with chain mail) one-handed with surprising strength. "A soldier of Daein! Who knows how long they've been infiltrating the palace with this tunnel?"

"Daein?" The soldier said nervously, his voice quavering. "I-uh, I don't know what you're talking about? I'm, uh, a courier boy! I always get into the castle this way!"

"But you're dressed like a soldier with full weapons and armor," Danske said patiently.

"Uh, you know, this job gets more hazardous by the day, can't be too careful, heh-heh!" The soldier laughed fearfully.

"Your armor has the emblem of Daein on it," Danske countered.

"Oh, that? That's, uh, that's the courier service's emblem. Daein stole it from us. We've been around for centuries!"

"And you're 47 years old," Danske commented. "A little old for a 'courier boy.'"

"Gah, how did you know? And are you a man or a woman, freaky-guy?"

"That's not for you to know." Danske turned away from everyone and held the man so their faces were close. No one saw what happened, but the soldier screamed in terror and whimpered.

"Okay, okay, not that face! I'm a soldier of Daein! Do what you will with me! Just feed me cinnamon rolls, whatever you do."

"Throw him in the dungeon and prepare him for interrogation," the Apostle said to two waiting guards, who promptly took him from Danske and left. "And feed him regular rolls."

"Noooooooooooo!" the soldier screamed as he was dragged off.

"You see?" Danske continued. "They could realize he is missing and send an army down this passage! We need to seal it immediately!"

"Sorry to disagree, Tactician Danske," Ike said, "but why not use this passage to attack Daein? We could end up taking a secret base by surprise, but only if we act now before it's too late!"

"Why don't we follow both plans," Danske said dryly, "and send you into the hole, then fill it in?"

"Very funny," Ike said, folding his arms.

"Actually," said the Apostle, "Danske's suggestion is wise, as usual." Danske glanced at Ike victoriously.

"What?" Ike said. "What if we need to go back?"

"We will send a group in, but keep a guard trained to recognize the secret Knock of Begnion at the sealed trap door." She snapped her fingers and a nearby guard demonstrated on a wall, knocking a complex rhythm of longs and shorts that lasted over a minute.

"...I'd better write that on my arm," Ike said, sighing.

* * *

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle." 

"Yes, yes, Denny, we know," Dan replied, slightly annoyed by his ally. He paused to admire his two female captives once more, then turned to Denning. "Denny, I'm heading back to the idiots' camp to wreak more havoc." He chucked evilly. "Stay here and guard them...not that I expect them to go anywhere."

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle."

"Right, right." He turned and dashed off through the dark forest with unnatural speed and agility.

* * *

"Hurry, Eddie, hurry!" Cerk and his mage companion sprinted through the forest, following the footprints left by Lyn and Florina. 

"I'm-ow! Trying!" Eddie replied, spitting out bark and another tooth. He'd ran facefirst into his fifth conveniently placed branch so far.

"Ouch, tough luck. But we have to keep going!"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, they reached a small clearing and gasped. Lyn and Florina were hanging from two trees like flies in a spiderweb; Lyn was merely unconscious, but Florina looked badly wounded. 

"Oh, no! We have to get them back to camp right away!"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle." Denning recited the all-too-familiar phrase, stepping out of the shadows and leveling his bow at them.

"Where's your master, huh?" Eddie taunted. "We can take you together!"

"Charge!" The sages ran straight for Denning, getting within feet of him and preparing spells.

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle." Denning fired his bow directly at Cerk's head...and missed. The arrow vanished the split second it left the bow and reappeared 20 feet away to zoom through the woods.

"Heh!" Cerk laughed. "Everyone knows arrows can't hit close-up attackers!" He and Eddie simultaneously let loose with their deadly magic, Luna and Elfire. The spells converged on the poor, mindless sniper and turned him to ash in instants. It was over.

"This is a message...from... Lord..." Denning trailed off, unable to speak, and promptly exploded from being unable to say hit catchphrase every 5 seconds.

"Nice work," Eddie said. He drew his sword, which he still carried around on Sain's armor. "Now to free the ladies!" He hurriedly sawed Florina down into Cerk's arms, then Lyn, who fell haphazardly on top of them.

"Why do I have to carry both?" Cerk complained, struggling to stand under their combined weight. "You're the one with the knight's body!"

"_Because,_ I'm lazy!" Eddie replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Suddenly, Lyn stirred. "Flo...rina..save...Florina..."

Eddie looked disgustedly at her chest wound, quickly getting out a staff and healing her shoulder. "Eurgh, what happened to her?"

"Dan...he stabbed her...with a spell...we have to save her quickly..."

"Dan...where is he now?"

"He said...he was heading for the camp..."

"Oh no!" both mages said together.

"Hurry!" Eddie said. "They're all still drinking Water Two!" Cerk lumbered off towards the base as Eddie provided moral support. "Come on, Cerk! You can do it! Come on!"

* * *

Dan arrived at the camp minutes later in the midst of a cacophony. Wondering what in Elimine's name was causing all the noise, he looked inside the mess hall tent. They seemed to be having an enormous drinking party--even the women, strangely. Even more strangely, everyone seemed to be spitting the stuff out as if it was the most disgusting stuff ever, then ravenously going for more. "Strange...what is that stuff?" 

He snuck around the back of the huge tent and cut through behind where he'd seen the kegs, quickly snatching one from the back of a pile. Outside, he uncorked the keg and managed to get enough in his hands for a sip. He reflexively spat it out almost before tasting it; it tasted like grass, human waste, animal waste, and every other kind of waste he could think of combined with rancid seawater. Still...

He got another handful of the stuff ("Water II," he noticed from the printing on the front of the barrel) and drank it in one gulp. (At least, as much as he could before gagging) He snuck in, stole a mug, then had several more sips, then abandoned it and held the barrel up with his superhuman strength to drink in huge gulps while gagging, drenching himself in the stuff. He'd never felt so alive! And simultaneously disgusted! His next step of revenge couldn't have been more obvious. He took the barrel well outside the camp, then went back for more.

A shout of "MORE WATER TWO, PLEASE!" came from inside...

* * *

"Everyone, clothe yourselves as the Lady Tactician to honor her memory until her coming return! The faithful shall receive riches beyond comparison!" Seth's sermons had progressed to practically worship Danielle. In his latest slip down the rope of sanity, he'd managed to put together dozens of robes and dark blonde wigs to let everyone look like her. 

"All hail Lady Tactician Danielle!" everyone said, putting the wigs on solemnly in a little candlelit chapel Seth had put together at the prow in the evening. He had amassed six followers: Franz, who obeyed him out of knightly devotion; Gilliam, who had pledged his allegiance as a Knight to Danielle; Vanessa, who didn't like Neimi's idea of going out to die in despair; Amelia, who had joined Seth because he had cookies; Tana, who was too peppy and optimistic to believe that Danielle wouldn't return; and Joshua, who had decided his allegiance, as usual, with a coin flip.

"Waaaaaah! Our tactician and fate herself have abandoned us! We must make a pilgrimage into the mountains of the north to seek our coming deaths! We are doomed!" Neimi continued her tearful, ever-depressing sermon in a larger cabin surrounded by her six followers: Moulder, who had always disliked the idea of having one so young as a Tactician anyway; Colm, who had been Neimi's friend for years and agreed with her; Duessel, who had a bizarrely creepy interest in apocalyptic cults and prophecies; Cormag, who was sure Danielle would not return now after so long; and Natasha, who had been pressured into tossing a coin by Joshua.

Neimi ended her rant with a request. "As the Prophet of Doom, I require vestments more suitable to my role! Sniff sniff..." She looked at distaste with her hunter's tunic and skirt. "Moulder, dye one of your robes black as midnight and surrender it to your leader in these darker times!"

Duessel came out of his cabin holding a stack of black fabric; no one had even seen him leave. "I have enough holocaust cloaks for everyone; what sizes are you?"

Cormag stared. "General Duessel, you're starting to scare me..."

"If only you knew..." Duessel said distantly as people took and tried on the black cloaks. Cormag edged uneasily away from him.

Meanwhile, Lute plotted in the crow's nest.

"Artur, my faithful familiar, I have plotted with triangulation the three tri-perfect points in Magvel! We must make pilgrimages to each one and show the world the magnificence of the number three!"

Artur somehow crouched clinging to the mast like a spider, despite his monk's robes. He spoke in an unusually guttural voice. "Yes, oh yes, master, pretty master, Artur will do! Hee-hee-hee-hee, three! Kill them all, kill the peopleses, take the prec-three is supreme!"

"Excellent..." Lute said, cacklingfiendishly over the ocean.

* * *

"Hurry, there's no time to spare!" Ike led the procession through down the corridor. His party, the two tacticians, Ross, Wil, and Thtupidsh all followed behind, some holding torches. 

"I thought we'd never have to see you again..." Wil said uneasily, with Thtupidsh right behind him.

"I mnow! Ifmn'pt ipt kgreatfth?" Thtupidsh said unintelligibly.

"Wil, it's so dark down here..." Astrid said, clinging to his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Astrid," Wil said assuringly. "All we have to fear down here are 2-foot rats with poison fangs." Astrid flinched with terror and trembled. "Oh, wait, shouldn't have said that." He chuckled weakly.

* * *

After 15 minutes or so, they reached the end. Ike, sprinting as fast as he could in his haste, ran into a wall and fell down instantly. "Ow!" Luckily, he had pulled ahead of the others, so a pile-up was averted. 

"Perhaps we're at the end," Danske said, pushing upward to move aside another slab. Light poured in, revealed a metal ladder with a ring at Ike's head level. "Just as I thought."

"Huh? Concussion..." Ike said deliriously. Everyone else sighed and climbed out to receive a surprise. Ike was the last out, waiting for everyone to step over him.

"Whoah!" he exclaimed as he climbed up. "It's snowy!" They stood on a cliff in a small guardhouse, overlooking a huge castle. Flakes fell gently all around them.

"What...?" Danske questioned, discreetly pulling a PoR player's guide out from a pocket and paging through. "We're in...Daein! Overlooking Daein Keep!"

"That's..." Danielle said, shaking her head. "How did we go so far so fast?"

"I detected an aura of strong magical energy approximately midway through the tunnel," Soren remarked. "Perhaps the two ends are joined by an enchantment."

"It's lucky we found this," said Ike. "Daein could easily have sent an entire army through here! Or a bunch of fish!" Everyone stared. "Sorry, concussion."

* * *

Ephraim rested his head in his hands in his cabin. "Ugh, this whole ship has gone insane in Danielle's absence," he moaned. 

"Yes, I have to agree," L'Arachel said. These cults they've formed are blasphemy of the highest order against the theocracy!"

"Gwah hah hah!" Dozla guffawed. "They're worshipping the number three!"

"Yes, they are," Ephraim said, surprised by his lack of intelligence. "Perhaps we should return them to normal by each infiltrating a cult and dismantling it from within."

"Gasp!" L'Arachel gasped. "How can you imagine such a thing? We cannot sink to the level of the pagans!" Several seconds passed, then she quickly said, "I get Seth's Danielle cult."

"Gwah hah hah! I'll take the hilarious three-worshippers!" Dozla said with his usual laughter.

"Huoah, that leaves me with the doomsayers," Ephraim groaned. "Let's go," The three filed out silently and prepared to put their plan into action.

* * *

L'Arachel walked up to the prow to meet the costumed Seth, completely devoid of subtlety as usual. "Yoo-hoo, everyone, I wish to join this cult of yours to worship the great and magnificent Danielle!" 

Seth smiled. "Of course, L'Arachel. All who wish may join in receiving the divine vision of the tactician. I'm glad you have finally seen the light of our lady Danielle. Now, put on this robe and wig." He handed her the standard uniform for the Danielle cult.

Dozla finished climbing up the mast to the crow's nest. No one knew why he always did; maybe he didn't notice the ladders, or maybe he was just that tough. "Gwa ha ha ha!" I want to join your hilarious three-worshipping cult thing! It'll be fun!"

Despite his calling the cult 'hilarious' and 'fun,' Lute was eager to accept. "Gasp! This will give me two followers, which makes in total..."

"Three! Hee hee heh heh he!" Artur cackled.

"This is the start of a new era!" Lute cried out from the crow's nest. "The era...of three!" After a few seconds, she added. "In other words, welcome to the group."

"Gwa ha ha!"

"Yes! The magnificence of the three-part laugh!"

Ephraim knocked on the cabin door during some despaired chants. "Hopefully this'll be as easy as it is for the other two..." As Moulder opened the door, he was greeted by his and six other hard stares from people dressed in black robes barely recognizable as his former party. "Uh, I wanted to join-"

"You're a spy!" Neimi cried. "You want to destroy us from the inside! Never!" She burst into tears and Moulder sternly shut the door.

"Flurn," Ephraim cursed. "This could be hard."

* * *

As Eddie and Cerk finally neared the camp, they were greeted by agonized wails that could have from the ninth hell itself. 

"Nooo!" Eddie cried, dropping to his knees melodramatically. "We're too late, he's already struck!"

Cerk quickly handed the ladies off to Eddie while he was down low and distracted, then went ahead. "Let's survey the damages..." Unsurprisingly, the wailing was coming from the mess hall. _I made enough Water Two to last for hours... Maybe they're too bloated to get up and get more. _He smiled at the thought as he entered the tent.

His guess wasn't quite right. Everyone was writhing around on the ground and tables wailing "Withdrawal, withdrawal!". Cerk quickly saw why; all the kegs of Water Two at the far end were gone! He ran back outside.

"Eddie, come quick! It's too wonderful to believe!" The burdened Sage came up to peer inside. A smile spread across his face.

"Looks like Dan took care of our problem," he chuckled.

"This won't last long," Cerk said, thinking. "Just wait..."

Thirty seconds later, Everyone stopped their withdrawal phase at once and got up, perfectly normal.

"Hey, guys. How's it hangin'?" Hectas asked in his usual informal way.

"They're back to normal!" The mages both cheered, and soon the whole party joined in.

"We're free, we're free!"

* * *

"FLURN!" Dan cursed from outside the camp, sitting on a pile of kegs and sipping Water Two. Had those idiots not actually been _cheering_ for his disastrous deed, they would have heard him. "How can they enjoy it? Auuurgh..." Needing to relieve his rage, he returned and easily plucked Lucius out of the line that had formed for the bathroom. _Hostage time.

* * *

_

The band continued descending the long, snowy stairs to the main part of Daein keep, a walled fort dominated by the imposing castle. Ike stared up at it with apprehension. "I wonder if Ashnard himself is up there..."

After their uninterrupted descent, some guards finally noticed them as they reached the bottom. Noting their numbers and that they'd come from the tunnel, they ran for reinforcements. Before anyone could even draw his or her weapon, Thtupidsh had already drawn his sword, a claymore at least 5 feet long, and was sprinting straight at the soldiers faster than a horse, yelling continuously and deafeningly.

Everyone watched wide-eyed as Thtupidsh single-handedly slaughtered the entire guard regiment of Daein Keep. He kept up his scream and somehow wielded his massive sword one-handed, crushing armor and striking blows hard enough to send men flying from their horses. Everyone was so intimidated by his superhuman strength, speed, and lung capacity that they simply ran rather than attacking.

"Wow...wow. Zelgius wasn't kidding about him," Danielle said, staring. "That is almost scary."

After a few minutes, it was over. Thtupidsh sheathed his blood-stained sword on his back and walked back, finally stopping the crazed scream he'd creepily kept up for the whole battle.

"Sfo, wleg's ngo!" he said cheerily, as if he hadn't just killed at least a hundred men. Everyone else followed him, slightly intimidated by their inarticulate ally.

* * *

Later, Seth and Neimi stood on opposite sides of the top deck. Each was delivering another impassioned sermon to his/her faithful. 

"Oh, magnificent Lady Danielle, please bless those who have remained faithful to your coming and give them the faith to stand against..."

"Doomed, doomed are we! Doomed by fate and destiny to wander the earth hopeless and tactician-less until our certain deaths..."

The two noticed each other's talking and raised their voices to drown out the other.

"And let the heathens see the light, your light, and be cleansed by it!"

"Into darkness our journey begins!"

"Wonder at the mathematical perfection of three!" Lute cried from the crow's nest.

"Nobody cares!" Seth and Neimi both replied, immediately returning to their shouting match.

The escalation continued until they were both screaming at the top of their lungs.

"FOR AT YOUR COMING ALL SHALL FALL DOWN IN PRAISE TO YOU!"

"NOTHING REMAINS FOR US BUT DEATH, ONCE WE EMBRACE IT!"

"Hey, heathens!" Franz said, walking across the ship. "Keep it down!"

"I could say the same thing, infidel," Moulder said, meeting Franz in the middle.

"Oh, really? Call me an infidel, will you?" Franz said, angered.

"Yes. Follow the dark teachings of Neimi or face eternal doom!"

"As opposed to?" Franz said, wondering what else she had been ranting about all this time.

"Temporary doom, unenlightened one!" Moulder said, growing angrier and raising _his_ voice.

"Oh yeah?" Franz said, drawing his steel sword. "Let's see whose afterlife is better! Die, heathen!"

"This is the last time tolerate you infidels!" Moulder took a step back and, despite his black robes, cast a powerful Shine spell. "To arms, my brothers!"

Franz managed to dodge the deadly light beams and lunged at Moulder to impale him right in the chest. The sword broke his robes but bounced off as if striking metal. "Now THOSE are some serious abs," Franz said, wide-eyed. Meanwhile, both sides had noticed the conflict, and soon a war between cults began.

"I shall show you the magnificence of the great Danielle!" Seth cried, getting onto his horse and charging across the deck at Neimi while twirling his Silver Lance.

"Danielle has deserted us! I am our last hope for ending oblivion's claim on us!" Neimi cried, pulling out a Killer Bow and firing a critical at Seth, which struck his horse in the brisket, forcing him to get catapulted off and charge at her on foot. He spun his lance like a quarterstaff to prepare for a thrust as Neimi desperately shot another arrow that bounced off his armor.

Nearby, Franz, Moulder, Gilliam, and Colm had a 2-on-2 battle, with Franz attempting to scratch Moulder and even hit the nimble Colm as the former attempted to crack Gilliam's armor with Shine and the latter dodged and weaved like a fly to slip his knife between Franz's armor; the Cavalier howled with pain. Gilliam wound up and devastatingly thrust his lance at Moulder; the weapon shattered as he hit the Bishop's rock-hard abs. _(A.N. Yes, Moulder was promoted by chapter 11. Danielle was very anal about getting exp. for him.)_

Meanwhile, Joshua and Natasha faced off. "So...this is what the coin flips led to," Natasha reflected.

"I guess," Joshua replied wistfully. "Tails says we don't fight." He tossed the coin; it came up tails, and they both walked away whistling.

L'Arachel ran out to address her fellow cultists. "Everyone, stop! We were once allies? Why must we pointlessly shed blood? Let us all embrace the truth of the theocracy and gain peace!" Of course, everyone ignored her.

Conveniently enough, before anyone could die, Lute and her ilk noticed the battle from above. "Ah-ha-ha! A battle between the unenlightened rages below! Face the power of trinity! _Elfire!_" She fired three enormous balls of flame down to form an equilateral triangle of fire on the deck." All three of them laughed maniacally.

Seth stopped for a moment. "Wait, did someone say El-" He was cut short by a 10-foot circle of the deck bursting into flames, followed by two more! "Ahhhh! ABANDON SHIP!"

Both sides got the message and dropped what they were doing to dive overboard and swim to shore. (Gilliam, amazingly, was a star swimmer despite his 100-pound armor) They began fighting in the water as soon as they got seabed to stand on.

"Hee-hee-hee, yes yes yes, kill them allses, mwee-hee-hee!" Artur cackled.

"Gwa ha ha! Such fun!" Dozla laughed. "But...shouldn't we abandon ship, too?"

"If we die," Lute said insanely, "It will be by the glory of three!" Sure enough, soon after the fires reached the mast and burned it down. It tipped over...and sent the three into the ocean. "Somehow, I wish that had killed us..." Lute said, treading and spitting out water.

* * *

"Eeeeeek!" Serra shrieked upon seeing Florina's condition, ending the Water Two-free merrymaking. "What happened?" 

"Dan stabbed her with some kind of spell on his swords!" Lyn said urgently. "The wound will spread and turn her into a slave to Dan!"

"This is bad," Hectas said. "If that happens, we won't have anyone to wield the Durandel!"

"Uh, guys," Eliwood added, "You do know I'm standing right here, right?"

"Silence, slave!" Serra hissed, pulling on his collar chain.

"Yes, Beautiful Mistress Serra," Eliwood said, backing out and hanging his head miserably.

"Where is that Lucius?" the demon-cleric asked. "He could probably exorcise whatever is in little Florina!"

Everyone looked around uneasily.

"I haven't seen him..." Kent said. "He was in line for the bathroom..."

"Oh. NO!" Heath exclaimed. "He fell into the latrine! NOTIT!"

"Okay, we'll just consider him dead for now," Lyn said, shuddering. "Serra, lay Florina down and see what you can do!"

* * *

_Will the FE7 crew manage to save Florina from Dan's spell? Will his new addiction ruin all his evil plans? Did Lucius even know what hit him?How will the cult wars turn out? Is Danske a master of the Gallian terror-stare with super-strength? How much time does Moulder spend working out? Does Thtupidsh take steroids? Seriously, what kind of a swear is 'flurn'? Find out...sometime later! Uh, I mean chapter 12!_

**There's chapter 11! Enjoy and R&R!**

**Neimi: DIE INFIDELS!**

**Seth: Prepare to be cleansed, heathens!**

**Hey, no turning this into a crusade!**

**Thtupidsh: A cwlufthabde? Wleth me djoing!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA****AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA****AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA****AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA****AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA****AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH****HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH****HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH****H!**

**Wow. Just...wow.**

**Dan: MORE WATER TWO PLEASE!**

**Not you, too...**


	12. Chapter 12: Evil Reinforced

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Twelfth-Evil Reinforced

* * *

_

Dan chugged-and-spat more stolen Water Two next to Lucius, who was bound on his hands, feet, and hair. (You never know...or do you?)

"Mmmm, mmmm-phah, ugh!" Dan spat some more out. Continuing his torture of Lucius, he slowly and deliberately dabbed his finger into the stuff and put a drop on Lucius' tongue. The Bishop spat it out in disgust, then began his withdrawal moanings again. _Flurn, this is fun._

"Now..." Dan wondered aloud. "Should I kill you?" Lucius' eyes widened hopefully, thinking he might finally be released from his torture. Suddenly, a grin spread across Dan's face as an idea came to him. "Yes...Yes! Perfect! It just so happens that Lord Nergal gave me dominion over a powerful, sealed demon who would be perfect for your body..." He raised a hand at his terrified captive, holding a gem pulsing with blackness, and recited a long incantation. Slowly, the gem drained of its power and became clear. Simultaneously, Lucius floated to his feet and broke free of his bindings; his eyes became pure green and he spoke in a deep voice without moving his mouth.

**_I ...have arrived._** The demon-Bishop's eyes flashed with evil as it spoke.

"Perfect," Dan said. "But don't go around slaughtering them just yet. Not the idiot fools, at least." The demon got a hungry look on its face and went off to feed on who-knows-what-souls.

**_Yes, master._**

"Now, as long as I'm getting former enemies on my side..."

* * *

As usual, Eliwood spent the first few hours of every night crying himself to sleep over his predicament. (And then drinking a gallon of water every morning) ((And counting to 20,000--a useful stress-relieving trick from fellow redhead Kent)) He huddled up chained outside Serra's lavish tent, forced to listen to her prepare for bed, a practice that involved disturbingly unnecessary amounts of high-pitched singing. Half an hour or so in, though, someone tapped him on his shoulder. The former Lord turned and gasped as he saw who is was. 

"Dan!" Before he could say any more, Dan's powerful hand clapped over his mouth.

"Hello, you weakling Lord. Let me guess...you want to be freed from your slavery." Eliwood nodded violently. "I thought so. It turns out I have a deal to make with you. I will free you-" He nodded even more violently.

"Let me finish before you make up your mind, idiot. I shall free you, and in exchange, you will pledge to serve me and follow my orders in dismantling this party one by one by any means necessary." He nodded yet again.

"You're turning against your friends that easily? Do you know that nodding means yes?" He nodded yes. "Well, that doesn't prove anything. You'll be enslaved to me instead, forced to carry out my orders and assassinate your companions." He nodded.

Dan raised his eyebrows. "Really? Being her slave is that bad?" Eliwood nodded emphatically for at least 20 seconds straight. "Very well, then... Do you, former Lord Eliwood, pledge yourself to serve me at all costs and follow my every order unquestioningly?" Eliwood nodded more violently than ever. "Very well, then. Your word...er, gesture binds you. Welcome to the service of evil." Dan couldn't resist an evil chuckle.

"One condition," Eliwood put in as Dan removed his hand. "I get to kill that demonic banshee Serra first."

Dan smiled maliciously. "Granted. Now, your pledge has magically bound you to me. Observe: follow me, don't follow me." Immediately after he said the commands, Eliwood doubled over in pain, clutching his stomach. "Since I gave you opposite commands, you couldn't follow both and were punished accordingly. Now, follow me." Eliwood flinched, then realized he meant it and did so.

* * *

Later, Dan assembled the demon-possessed priest and traitorous lord in front of him. "With Denning's death, you are my new servants," he told them. "Lucius, or should I say, Raq'Na-Thuk, you already have everything you need to lay waste to their camp. Await my orders." 

**_Yes, master. _**Eliwood flinched at hearing the demonic voice, and indeed at the sight of the cleric floating in the air with cold, green eyes.

"And Eliwood..."

"Uh, sorry, master," Eliwood said, "but being a slave made me atrophy even more. I couldn't even lift my shackles..."

"Yeah, all your stats are 0 now-I mean, you're even more of a pathetic weakling," Dan corrected himself. "But with this sword..." He slowly took out a black sword wrapped in cloth. "That doesn't matter. Just point it at who you want to kill and say his...or her name, and you can't fail."

"Uh, thank you...master," Eliwood said, taking the sword and struggling to lift it with both hands.

"Raq," Dan said, turning back to the demon. "I'll save your powers for later. It's time to grant Eliwood's wish."

Eliwood smiled. "I've been looking forward to this..."

Dan pulled out a complex instrument similar to a pocket watch. "And by then...our third ally should be joining us."

* * *

"How is Florina?" Lyn asked Serra worriedly outside the medical tent. 

"Well, screaming at the curse didn't work, so I actually had to use a staff," Serra whined.

"That explains the noise. But how is she?"

"I think I managed to stop it from spreading, but it's really dumb! I can't make it go away!" Serra sounded shocked that any medical problem would actually give her trouble.

"I hope you weren't too late... If only Lucius were here. I wonder what happened to him? And why not Barte?"

"I heard he's off trying to split rocks with his head," Serra said disdainfully.

Lyn sighed. "Like we always say...he never ceases to surprise me."

"Anyway, after all that, I deserve a reward!" She clapped her hands twice. "Slave! Get me some fine Ilian wine!"

"Uh, sorry, Serra," Lyn said, "but we don't have any wine."

"I _know_ that," she said as if explaining to a child, "that's why I'm having him to get me some from the nearest vineyard and/or bar." She was silent (amazingly) for a few seconds, then grew annoyed. "Slave! Where's my wine? Come quick, or it's another spanking tonight for you!" Lyn shuddered at the thought. "Where _is_ he?"

"Right here." They both turned to Eliwood, who now stood across the clearing from them wearing leather armor.

"There you are, slave!" Serra said, hands on her hips. "Where's my wine? And why aren't you in uniform?"

"Because," Eliwood said in a low voice. "I'm not here to serve you, for once. I'm here to kill each and every one of you." The two women gasped as he drew his deadly, thin sword and extended it to point directly at the Bishop, his hands trembling with apprehension...or was he just too puny to lift the rapier-like sword? "Starting with you, _Serra!_" The sword immediately shone white as Eliwood charged. Lyn covered her eyes from Serra's certain death, but only heard the clanging of metal on metal. Amazingly, Serra had perfectly blocked the blow with her Heal Staff.

"What? How did you..." Lyn stared, dumbfounded.

"Bartre taught me the sub-tleties of swordplay," Serra said, mispronouncing the word. "He really knows a lot about them." He demonstrated her skill be deftly twirling her staff to block another one of Eliwood's surprisingly powerful blows.

"Is there anything he can't do?" Lyn wondered to herself. Still, she didn't trust Serra to be able to defend herself after being a helpless cleric for so long. She drew the Mani Katti and prepared to enter the duel, but realized she was about to attack her old friend Eliwood. "Eliwood! Why are you doing this?"

"Dan is my master now," Eliwood replied, barely even seeming distracted by talking to Lyn. "He freed me from _her_ on the condition that I aid him."

"So you became Dan's slave instead of Serra's?" Lyn said, disbelieving. "Why?"

"If you knew, you'd join Dan, too," Eliwood said sadly.

Lyn felt terrible as she began to battle Eliwood, but the feeling was quickly replaced by amazement. He was a better swordsman than ever before after being a slave for months! He easily deflected Lyn's blows despite paying seemingly no attention to her, focusing his ferocious assault on Serra. Even more amazingly, she was easily a match for him.

"Slave," Serra said angrily as she parried another thrust, "You've been a very bad boy! You'll be in serious doo-doo after this, just like Lucius!"

"Heh, Lucius..." Eliwood said. "If only you knew..."

"What happened to Lucius?" Lyn demanded. "Do you know where he is?"

"I have a feeling he'll be returning soon, Eliwood said knowingly. Lyn pondered what he could mean as she continued trying to land a single blow on the former pansy. Finally, at least ten minutes of swordfighting later, she managed to do it. She struck Eliwood's side from behind with a deliberately crooked blow that didn't cause a deep wound, but cracked a rib and made him crumble to the ground, rolling onto his back against a barrel.

"Sorry, Eli-What?" Lyn didn't know what to make of the situation, and judging by her expression, neither did Serra. Eliwood's sword was floating around of its own accord, continuing to attack Serra even more ferociously. Lyn tried to join the new battle, but even together they couldn't keep the sword off of the cleric; without Eliwood's dead weight, it zigzagged around faster than any man could wield it, and in seconds, it ran Serra completely through her heart.

"SERRA!" Lyn cried, dashing to her side.

"This...stinks..." Serra gasped weakly, her strength fading by the second. "Remember me...for my work in the field of philosophy..."

"Noooo!" Lyn sobbed over the cleric's corpse as she passed on. "SERRA!"

"Sh, not so loud!" Hectas said, finally coming out to investigate the noise. (Amazingly, the whole fight had passed undetected) "You might attr-Holy sh-!" He noticed Serra's condition, then gave out a whoop of joy and ran off to spread the news. In minutes, the entire camp was out cheering louder than it had on Cheer-At-The-Top-Of-Your-Lungs Day and was carrying Lyn around like a hero, thinking she had finally slain the demonic banshee lady.

"What was I thinking, hooray for me! Wait..." Lyn remembered how she had struck down her old friend. "Eliwood!" She dropped from the crowd's arms and sprinted back to where he had fell. He was somehow gone, but her eyes followed a trail of beaten grass a few dozen yards. The sword had managed to get itself into Eliwood's hand and was dragging him back by the arm!

"Eliwood?" Hectas cried. "Quick, get him!"

The he and Lyn ran up to grab Eliwood's legs. They both pulled hard, but somehow the sword stayed in his hand and kept pulling. Before they could rip the unconscious Lord-turned-slave-turned-evildoer in half, they and everyone else were knocked back by an invisible force.

Cries of "What the?" and "Wascally wabbit!" were heard all around, but they all turned into a stunned silence instantly as they saw who had cast the spell.

"Well...now we know where Lucius is," Lyn said hopefully.

**_By the order of my master, prepare to die._**

"Uh...Lucius?" Heath asked uneasily. "Since when did you take up ventriloquism? And get green monocles? And lose your voice? And learn to fly? And-"

"We get it," everyone said, stopping him from further ruining the moment.

Lucius answered Heath's question with a spell so terrifying, so vile, to utterly indescribable that to save the internet from total shutdown, I'll describe it in just one word: _elms_.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH-GBHPHBGGABGHHBGH!" Heath sprinted off like a maniac screaming incoherently at the sight of his worst nightmare incarnate. Everyone else was unaffected.

**_What? Why do you not run screaming in pure terror, mortals?_**

"Most people aren't afraid of elm trees, Lucius," Lyn replied, wondering how he'd choose to kill the rest of them.

**_I require more time to plan a sufficient strategy. The next time we meet, you shall all suffer eternal agony._**

Everyone was stunned silent for several seconds as the demon-bishop floated off, but then went into a spat of relieved back-patting.

"Lucius may be all floaty and powerful now, but he doesn't seem as smart..." Cerk observed.

"Wait..." Bartre, evidently recovered from his spat of rock-bashing, flipped on his reading glasses and thumbed through a book entitled "Ancient, Powerful Demons that Like to Possess Bishops". "A-ha! He's being possessed by Raq'Na-Thuk! The ancient, powerful demon of the dark plane that embodies death, torture, and slow-mindedness!"

"You never cease to amaze me, Bartre," Eddie said.

He continued to amaze by taking out another book, "Magical Swords of the World." "And that possessed sword Eliwood had was certainly the Kill-Kill-Blade, so named for what it does! When the user points is at his target and speaks its name, it takes on a life of its own and becomes unstoppable in killing the target!"

"What?" Lyn cried. "He could kill us all with that thing! How can we stop it?"

Bartre continued reading aloud. "The one weakness of the Kill-Kill Blade..." Everyone inched closer with anticipation. "The only thing that can stop its unstoppable enchantment..." Closer. "The only oil to its water..." Even closer; everyone looked confused at the bizarre comparison. "Is..." They went wide-eyed. "Oh, this next part is smudged out." Groans all around; everyone began to walk away dejected. "Just kidding, it _is_ oil, as it turns out!" They all turned back relieved and sighed.

"But where can we find oil?" Eddie asked him.

Bartre shrugged "I dunno," which, given his personality change, was extremely out of character.

Dart stepped forward, speaking in a strangely gutteral voice. "My grandpappy is a prospector for oil in the old west...ern desert! They all called him crazy for diggin' up the black junk, and he was! Hee-hee-hee-heh-heh!" Everyone stared at his behavior lapse. "Sorry," he added in his normal voice.

"So he's in Nabata?" Pent said disappointedly. "We need to go to Badon Port; we don't have time to make such a detour!"

"Oh, no problem," Dart replied. "He sells the stuff in his studio there."

"Then we should go to Badon with all haste," Cerk said. "Both to get the oil and try and stay ahead of Dan and his new allies before they kill more of us!"

"Let's run as if Serra were still alive and chasing after us!" Lyn resolved.

* * *

Ike put his left hand over his heart as Thtupidsh climbed the flagpole with a creepily strong right arm and held the Begnion flag in the other. After he ripped the Daein flag off the top and tied theirs up (which took several minutes, as he was still wearing his gauntlets), everyone cheered joyously. They had single-handedly conquered Daein Keep. (Literally for Thtupisdh, who had swung his claymore one-handed the whole time) 

"The war is over!" Danielle cheered, clapping to herself and the rest of the troops. She jumped slightly as Thtupidsh dropped to the floor next to her, cracking the cobblestones.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, sister," Danske reprimanded her. "Ashnard and the Four Riders, as well as the bulk of Daein's military, are still in Crimea..."

"The war is as good as over!" she cheered, undaunted.

"We fthoulbd fthsengd worvd phto Mbegngiong fat we ftookh vthe keep!" Thtupidsh added.

"Thtupidsh, we don't have any Begnionic caviar now!" Wil replied, getting annoyed by his gibberish. "Jeez!"

"So...what now?" Ike questioned half-rhetorically. "Perhaps we should clear the way to Begnion so we can tell them of our victory and send forces to stay in the keep."

"Ngo onge efver wlifstengs..." Thtupidsh said sadly.

* * *

The shoreside battle continued to rage as the three crazed cults fought to the death. Hoping not to let their incredible delusion cause any lost lives, L'Arachel ran through the battle, healing any injured fighters she could find indiscriminately. Suddenly, an all-too-familiar Berserker charged at her, screaming at the top of his lungs. 

"GWAAAAAAAAA!"

"Dozla, stop! Don't you recognize your lady?"

Dozla stopped, his axe barely a foot from her neck. "Oh, sorry, Lady L'Arachel! Gwa-ha-ha!" He laughed as if he hadn't just come inches from killing her.

"Anyway, how was your luck with dismantling the three cult?"

Dozla looked confused, then remembered his mission. "Oh, that! I was having too much fun to remember!"

L'Arachel smacked her forehead. "You're supposed to destroy the cult, not join it! Try to convince them, would you?"

"Okay, okay, gwa-ha-ha," Dozla laughed disappointedly.

"I'm afraid I haven't had much luck either," L'Arachel lamented. "They're all too obsessed with Tactician Danielle to listen... Ephraim! How have you fared?" she asked the lord as he approached them to join the meeting.

"Terrible," Ephraim said, his eyes downcast. "They knew exactly what I was trying and didn't let me in."

"_Flurn!_" L'Arachel cursed uncharacteristically. "Well, I have another idea that will at least stop them from killing each other." She ran out to the middle of the battle, practically screaming to be heard. "Friends, Magvellians, countrymen! Stop trying to kill each other and listen! Why not leave each other in peace and go your separate ways to...pursue your goals? In peace?"

Seizing the moment, Ephraim ran up beside her. "Uh, as your lord, I wholeheartedly support L'Arachel's idea!"

Dozla joined them. "Gwa-ha-ha!' Do what Lady L'Arachel says!"

To their relief, the fighting did stop and murmurs of agreement spread.

"Perhaps you're right," Neimi said, an arrow nocked on her bow and pointed directly at Seth's head. "We shall make our pilgrimage to the north and escape the infidels to meet out grim fate!" She raised her hands. "Cultists of Doom, follow me!" She headed off north along the beach. Slowly, reluctantly, her followers did as their names said and went after her.

Lute also acquiesced. "Yes, yes, yes! Dozla, Artur, come! We shall travel to the tri-perfect points and glorify the sacred three!"

Artur followed her west, and Dozla began to follow. L'Arachel was taken aback. "Dozla, get back here!"

"Aw... Can I _please, please, please _go, Lady L'Arachel?" he begged childishly.

Lute suddenly intervened. "We don't care what you think! We must preserve the tri-perfection of our group! Now, let's go!" She cast Elfire to create an effective wall across the sand as she and Artur hauled Dozla (somewhat forcefully) away.

"Oh, well," L'Arachel said. "His built-in homing sense will lead him back to me...either that, or the nearest source of water."

As the other two groups left, Seth gave his mandate. "At last, my brothers and sisters, the heathens are gone!" The Danielle cultists cheered. "Let us affirm our faith in the Lady and await her return here with open arms!" He did so literally, turning inland and stretching his arms upward while looking in the same direction. Without hesitation, the other cultists did so, holding perfectly still in the pose.

"Uh...okay," Ephraim said, staring at their behavior. "Let's go find Danielle and end this madness, I guess."

"Right," agreed L'Arachel. "Sorry, everyone, this whole Danielle cult thing isn't working for me. Toodle-loo!" She took off her Danielle robe and wig, and she and Ephraim left the now-glassy beach to head in their best guess of Danielle's direction.

* * *

A few hours later, after all the tents had been put away and the supplies packed, the party finally left the camp site, and Lyn was finally able to see Florina after the chaos of the past few hours. She hopped up next to the medical tent (which couldn't be put away because of the fragile patient in it and was being carried on a cart) and went into. 

"Florina..." Lyn said louder than she'd liked to be heard over the cart's squeaky wheels. "Are you awake?"

To her immense relief, her friend opened her eyes and raised her head. Still, her voice was quiet, probably because Dan's sword had hit one of her lungs and inhibited her speech. "Yes... How could I not be with all these bumps?" They both chuckled momentarily.

"How do you feel?" Lyn asked.

"It hurts a little to breathe, but...I'm fine, other than that. What happened to me?"

Lyn sighed with relief; it sounded like Serra had managed to stop the nefarious spell in time. With the threat gone, Lyn decided not to worry Florina by telling her what happened. "Uh... You lost a lot of blood after Dan stabbed you. You've been drifting in and out of consciousness ever since."

Florina looked worried. "I don't remember any of it..."

Lyn smiled. "Don't worry, you're going to fine..."

* * *

"Flurn," Dan cursed after channeling a spell through his sword. "They managed to nip my spell in the bud just in time." 

"So Florina is fine?" Eliwood asked, relieved.

"That's not a good thing!" Dan spat at him.

"Ooh, right. Sorry, master," Eliwood said, cowering.

**_Then your spell has failed, mortal?_** Raq asked; Eliwood flinched at the sound of its voice, as usual.

"Nearly. It was minutes away from taking over her brain when they stopped it. A tiny fragment of it managed to make it...not enough to establish total control, though, but perhaps I can still mess with her a bit."

**_I would hope so._**

"Let's find out just what I can do..."

* * *

"Florina?" Lyn panicked as the Pegasus Knight fell back onto her pillow, clutching her head. 

"Ahhh... Ahhh... My... head..." She continued to moan for several tense moments, then, just as Lyn was about to get a healer, she seemed to recover.

"It's over? You're fine?" She asked worriedly.

"Yes, I think... But do we have any cheese?"

* * *

"Yes!" Dan cried. "I can't completely control her, but I can send basic impulses, like food cravings. Another minion for us...sort of." He did another evil laugh, one of his better ones; Eliwood timidly joined in after ten or so seconds, with Raq'Na-Thuk seeming to emanate dark triumph.

* * *

_Will Dan manage to control Florina? Will Dan and his new reinforcements finally achieve their goal? Will Ephraim and L'Arachel find Danielle and stop. The. MADNESS? Will her faithful homing Dozla return, or just find water? Will the Elibe group ever publish Serra's Nine Truths of Me? Will Seth's cultists get arm cramps? Is Tellius unpatriotic? Uh, I mean chapter 12!_

**There's chapter 12! R&R, or else!**

**Ike: Or else what?**

**Or else or else, unpatriotic-boy!**

**Ike: I'm not unpatriotic! Everyone uses their left hand here!**

**Sure, sure.**

**Bartre: I believe that's 'Everyone uses his or her left hand.'**

**Ike: Oh, shut up.**

**Raq-Na-Tuk: _I will devour your soul for brunch...wait, what utensil is used for soul-eating at brunch? I require more time to plan, mortals. Next time, you shall all die._**

**Uh, okay.**

**Every Single Person on Elibe: DING-DONG, THE SERRA'S DEAD!**

**Hallelujah!**


	13. Chapter 13: Hi, I'm Will

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Thirteenth-Hi, I'm Will

* * *

_

"Then it's settled," Danske said as the party finished a luxurious feast at the table the Mad King Ashnard had dined at only weeks earlier. "We shall call the newly conquered land of Daein New Crimea, with Elincia as its queen!"

"MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Ashnard bellowed, a vein bulging on his crazed forehead as he stood on the battlements of the Castle Crimea, surveying his prize. "From this day forward, Crimea shall be known as...New Daein!" Below him, thousands of elite Daein...er, New Daein troops cheered at their king.

"So we just switched the places of Crimea and Daein?" Ike asked, half to himself. "Boy...makes war seem kind of pointless."

"Yeah," Ross agreed. "We captured Daein Keep and all we got was this dumb T-sh-I mean, table!"

"Wait," Danielle said. "Do you guys hear something? It sounds like...moaning, or something..." Everyone concentrated on listening.

"It's probably just the wind," Danske replied.

"It's always the wind with you," Danielle countered, annoyed. "Listen! It's getting louder!"

"Into the random catacombs of this random castle!" Neimi cried, her fellow cultists trailing behind and moaning like death itself. "Out random, Danielle-less doom awaits!"

"She has forsaken us eternally!" Everyone wailed.

"They're coming through that door!" Danielle exclaimed. Everyone who had a weapon drew one and started at the door, the air thick with tension. The room was silent except for the dreadful cacophony of approaching voices.

Suddenly, the door burst open and everyone stood around blinking; the cultists because of the difference in lighting, and everyone else in incredulity at the sight of the black-cloaked figures.

"...what are you guys doing her in holocaust cloaks chanting?" Danielle asked, sound as confused as humanly possible.

The cultists were silent. Finally, Neimi replied. "Danielle has not forsaken us! In your faces, Danielle-cultists! Re... Rej..." She struggled for an unfamiliar word. "Uh... Rejoice! REJOICE!" They suddenly ripped off their cloaks and did a pathetically underpracticed chant of happiness.

"What. The. Flurn?" Ike asked, staring at the weirdness.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on!" Danielle stopped them. "What in the nine hells is going on?"

"You have not forsaken us after all, Lady Tactician!" Neimi replied joyously. "All is well!"

"Why would I forsake you? I was going to come back...eventually. And what do you mean, the me-cultists?"

Neimi glanced uneasily at her fellow former cultists as if expecting them to explain. "Uh...well, you see...we all kind of...went crazy after you left. I said you had left us all to our doom, Seth had everyone dress like and worship you until you returned, and Lute just glorified the number three. Then we all got followers and had a big war, but L'Arachel and Ephraim-who were the only ones who didn't really join cults-convinced us to split up and follow our paths. We came here to seek our temporary doom, the three people went off on some pilgrimage, and as far as we know, Seth's cult is still standing on the beach waiting for you." She waited for a reply, but none came. Her explanation had fried a few brains, and had stunned everyone else silent. She burst into tears in shame and retreated to behind the others.

Finally, Ike spoke. "...so how exactly did you get from the southeast Begnion coast to here in a few days?"

This time the cultists were silent. Finally, they shrugged collectively.

Eventually, Danielle finally managed to speak, her voice quavering with disbelief and rage. "...so you all went nuts and formed crazy cults?"

"Um...Yes?" Neimi sniffled.

"But Seth is worshipping me?"

"Pretty much," Moulder replied.

"I always hated that little suck-up," she muttered angrily. "Anyway, let's hurry and see if we can keep the party together! Back to Begnion!" Wordlessly, everyone followed her and the cultists back out of the castle to the entrance of the tunnel.

* * *

Meanwhile, Seth's cult continued to wait, holding the exact same position.

"Prophet Seth, can I go to the bathroom?" Amelia asked, looking uncomfortable.

"Yeah, my arms are cramping up!" Tana added. "I need a break!"

"Silence, heathens!" Seth hissed. They both backed off, ashamed at the insult.

Next to them, Gilliam slumped to the ground unconscious like the hardened soldier he was. Everyone stared until Seth reprimanded them. Creepily, his arms continued to maintain their exact position.

"Let the heathen die as he deserves. His faith in the great Lady was not strong enough."

* * *

"Amazing," Pent said, looking at a map with Louise and Cerk and indicating a point just beyond Worde. "We've already managed to get this far in only a day!"

"At this rate, it will take us only two more to reach Badon," Cerk said, relieved.

* * *

Florina finished off the last of the cheese rations and lay back down, burping politely. _Wow, I sure was hungry for cheese... Wait, tired... So tired..._ She dozed off unnaturally fast, within seconds of lying down...

Dan watched through Florina's eyes as she immediately woke up, now under his primal control. With his considerable mental might, he sent one word as strongly as he could. _Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill..._

"...Florina? Florina, are you all right?" Lyn's voice echoed, sounding distant, as Florina slowly opened her eyes.

"...what?" she asked. "Why am I out of the tent?" She looked around. "And why did we stop?"

Lyn turned to almost everyone else in the camp, who looked worried. "She's back to normal, but she doesn't remember a thing!"

"Remember what?" she asked her friend, getting confused.

"Does this ring any bells?" Cerk asked, walking up to her with Bartre behind him. As they turned silently, she gasped and turned white. Lying on a stretcher between them, horribly wounded, was Eddie.

"Oh-!" Florina was practically speechless with horror. "Y-You mean...I-I d-did that?" She began to cry in distress. "I... I-I k-killed him...?"

"No, no, he'll be fine," Cerk reassured her. "We just left him this way for dramatic effect." He and Bartre both pulled out Heal Staves and fully healed him in seconds; he got to his feet immediately, perfectly fine. "With modern magic, it's really a wonder anyone everdies."

Florina calmed down slightly. "So...what did happen?"

Lyn tried to tell her as calmingly as possible. "You kind of...went completely nuts and yelled weird things and tried to kill Eddie."

"What's wrong with me...?" Florina moaned.

* * *

"Flurn again!" Dan cursed. "Why did I have to use the spell on such a weakling instead of Lyn?"

"What happen?" Eliwood asked him, wondering what the 20 or so minutes of deep concentration had all been about.

"I do have some power over Florina, but they managed to subdue her after I sent her on a rampage. If only I could have gotten her to take some Hyper-Coffee first..."

"Oh...I see," Eliwood said, unsure of whether or not to be relieved.

"Raq," Dan said. "Florina's failure has left me wanting for destruction. Are you ready?"

**_Not quite,_ **the demon rumbled. **_I must devise my strategy. What are elms afraid of?_**

"Uh..." Dan wasn't sure what to make of his slow-mindedness. "I'd better leave you to your arcane, demonic logic from beyond. Eliwood, you'll have to do."

"All right..." the redhead moaned. After killing Serra, being Dan's slave had lost much of its luster; despite the relative lack of torture, he was enjoying the job almost as little as he had serving her.

"Great. Get in there and kill stuff. I'll incite Florina again for a quick diversion."

Eliwood sighed and jogged towards the party, huffing and panting after the first few steps. _Well, I never really liked that talkative Rath fellow...

* * *

_

"Okay," Ike said, standing in the Begnion capitol once more. "Now which way to the beach?"

"That way," a new voice told them. Everyone turned to face the speaker. He was a young man, about Danske's age, with a red cape and a short sword sheathed at each side of his belt. He also seemed to have forgotten to shave for weeks, and his beard was on the verge of ceasing to look scruffy.

"What?" Ike asked. "Who are you?"

"I'm Will," the man said.

"No, I'm Wil!" Wil retorted.

"You're Wil, I'm Will. Note the difference." Everyone went silent as they wondered how he could differentiate between one _l _and two.

"Okay, then, what are you doing with our party?" Ike questioned.

"If you haven't noticed, Danielle, I've been with your party for weeks." She looked confused. "In fact, I'm rather insulted that you never bothered to notice me before."

Danielle smiled sheepishly. "Uh...sorry?"

"So who are you?" Ike continued to ask.

"I _said_, I'm Will."

"No, what do you do? Go around playing the hero in theaters?" It was true; Will looked the part of the perfect, generic hero with his dashing cape and shining swords.

"I'm a traveling swordsman, or rather, a battlemage," Will replied. Everyone noticed a compactLight magic tome strapped to his belt. "What else? I've been searching for Danielle and Danske for months."

"Why?" the siblings both asked him at once.

For once, he looked less confident, even confused. "I don't know."

With the bizarre conversation over, they continued in the direction Will had indicated, wondering whether they'd gained a new ally or not.

* * *

"Florina, I don't know what caused you to go nuts, but you probably need rest. Why don't you lie back down?" The Pegasus Knight's older sister tucked her back into the bed in the medical cart.

"Thanks, sis..." she said, settling back into her bed and falling asleep in seconds.

"Wow, that rampage must have really tired her out..." Fiora turned to leave, but gasped both in surprise and for air as a pair of small yet unnaturally strong hands strangled her from behind. "Gaaaak... What... Flor... Help..."

Luckily for her, Heath happened to walk in precisely at that moment, wide-eyed with fear and paranoia. "Th-there aren't any...elms in here, are there?" He belatedly noticed Florina strangling her sister. "AAAAHHH! HELP! Bloody murder! Uh, I mean, bloodless murder! Bloodless murder!"

Everyone came running quickly, and began attempting to pry Florina off.

At that moment, Eliwood stumbled into the moving camp, clutching his side and wheezing heavily. _Perfect..._ His hands trembling with weakness, he managed to raise the sword and point it at his target. "Ra...Rath..." The Kill-Kill-Blade shone and all he had to do was hold on as it dragged him at his target.

"Florina, what's happening?" Lyn cried, struggling through the crowd to view the ghastly scene. Heath, Dorces, and Wallace had managed to free Fiora, but were still struggling to restrain the now-vicious young girl.

Suddenly, they heard a shout from behind them. "Omigosh-omigosh, Lady Lyndis! Helphelphelp!" Some of them turned to see Rath fighting Eliwood, who was clearly letting his sword control him, with a short sword.

"Leave this to me," Karino said, drawing a Killing Edge half as long as he/she was tall. "I've been meaning to test this weak new body..." Amazingly, the once-cute little girl now managed to look half-menacing, dressed in all-black robes and wearing a half-insane, half-vicious expression. He/she lunged at the Kill-Kill-Blade, joining Rath in fighting it back but knowing that trying to stop the magical blade was useless.

The blade immediately tried to use its dead weight as a shield, which didn't stop Karino, who made a huge gash in Eliwood's arm. Gasping in pain, he let go of the Kill-Kill-Blade, which doubled in speed. Bartre and Cerk raced to heal him as Karino and Rath continued to fight off the sword. After healing Eliwood's arm in just under two seconds flat (magic really is an amazing thing), they and Eddie began chanting a long spell...

"Like, omigosh, this thing is good!" Rath couldn't help but chatter as he blocked blows.

"Silence, fool, or you're next," Karino threatened, fighting the sword furiously.

"Eek!"

The battle continued to rage for several minutes as the Karino and Rath tired and the Blade gained an advantage. Finally, it dove to dodge another of Karino's lighting-fast criticals and skewered Rath. Everyone gasped, but he barely flinched.

"Like, I may talk like an inane little girl, but I'm still a hardened Nomad Trooper." Still, it was clear the wound was slowing him down. Before the sword could wound him again, the mages cast their spell.

* * *

"...wow. We just covered almost 200 leagues in a few hours," Ike said as Danielle led everyone to the beach where they had been.

"Modern magic is an amazing thing," Will agreed. Everyone still wasn't sure what to make of their new (or rather, old) companion, but they trusted him; he'd proven his skill in helping them fight several random, inexplicable monsters that are everywhere in games like this.

Danielle ran ahead, eager to see how ridiculous Seth's cult looked. "Okay, it's just behind these-WHA-?" He jaw dropped as she looked at the cultists, all dressed like her, with their arms raised and trembling from muscle fatigue. (Except Gilliam, who was lying motionless on the ground) "...what are you guys doing?"

"Awaiting the return of our Lady Tactician, heathen!" Seth replied, his voice quavering with insanity as Lute's had.

"Uh...she's standing right here."

The cultists immediately went relatively berserk, almost breaking their poses. "WHERE? WHERE?"

"Seth, don't you recognize me? I _am_ Danielle!"

"What?" Seth cried. "Blasphemy! A mere mortal claims to be the One of Grace!" He took up a mocking tone. "Where is your halo, Lady Tactician? Where are your 777 flaming chariots to herald your return to your devoted?"

"Seth, I've only been gone a few days! Why do you not recognize me? And what the flurn have you been telling these people?"

"BLASPHEMY! INFIDEL! CULTISTS, ATTACK!" They all charged at Danielle (except for Gilliam, of course) and drew weapons from their robes.

"Thtupidsh, stop them!" she ordered. The Capthaing immediately began his battle roar and charged with the speed and power of a horse at Tana, Amelia, and Vanessa, shamelessly taking down all three of the ladies with his initial charge. With blinding speed, Danielle appeared behind Joshua and put him out with a sleeper hold. In seconds, Thtupidsh sent Franz flying with a punch to the gut and grabbed Seth by the neck, holding him off the ground.

"Gaaak..." Seth gasped, his eyes bulging. "Infidel...heathen...you...shall burn..." Thtupidsh tightened his silver grip and Seth's head flopped unconscious to the side.

"Get them some healing; make sure no one dies," Danielle said. "Especially Gilliam." Finally, she looked up to where her boat was...or used to be. "And now-WHA? What happened to the Davros?" She, Wil, and Ross stared; their ship was gone!

"Augh!" Ross groaned. "Now we're trapped in this wasteland!" Several Telliusians glared at him.

"Trapped with the love of my life, at least," Wil said, exchanging a romantic glance with Astrid.

"But trapped nonetheless!" Ross sank to his knees and screamed melodramatically. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hm, maybe we can help retake Crimea," Will thought out loud. "After we find those three-cultists."

Before anyone could respond, Thtupidsh immediately sprinted off at his disturbing speed, screaming as usual. Within a minute, he returned, carrying Dozla in one arm and Artur and Lute by their robes in the other.

"Gwa-ha-ha! Shortest pilgrimage ever!" Dozla laughed.

"Yes!" Lute cackled. "How convenient that all three of the tri-perfect points were within 50 paces of the beach!"

"Guys, what's going on?" Artur asked frantically. "What happened, and why can't I remember any of it?"

"Because I've been drugging you, you fool!" Lute replied.

"Lute..."

"Well, that was easy," Danielle said. "Now, where are Ephraim and L'Arachel?"

* * *

The hapless pair continued their well-meant search for Danielle through the ravaged Serenes Forest.

"Ephraim, are you sure this is the way?" L'Arachel asked worriedly.

"Sure, sure," he said, sounding recklessly brave. "It's just over this next hill."

The wolf howls grew closer...

* * *

As Cerk, Eddie, and Bartre unleashed their spell, the whole battlefield was tinted a light shade of blue. Slowly, the Kill-Kill-Blade's moves slowed, then eventually stopped as it lifelessly dropped to the ground.

"I thought you said only oil could stop it!" Lyn questioned.

Bartre answered her quickly as all three of the mages dashed to the sword. "It's only temporary!" Cerk pulled out a custom-made sheath and put the blade into it, Eddie chained it in, and Bartre wrapped the whole thing in blankets, then attached it to the heaviest thing in the camp, Wallace.

"I resent this!" Wallace protested. "I'm only 155 pounds under this armor!"

"Wallace, we use the decimal system, remember," Lyn reminded him.

"Oh, right, 289 pounds," he corrected himself ashamedly.

Lyn was still worried. "What if it gets free? In the middle of the night?"

"Don't worry," Bartre reassured her. "Eliwood only activated it for Rath, so if it does, it will just kill him, then shut down.

"That's, like, really assuring," Rath said crossly. Reminded by his voice the mages healed his wounds in seconds.

Lyn set everyone back on task. "Okay, if this madness if over, let's hurry to Badon!"

"Right!' everyone agreed.

* * *

_Will they make it to Badon with no more fatalities? Is Rath doomed? Is there ANYTHING modern magic can't heal? Does Danielle/Danske's party need its eyes checked? Was Lute's pilgrimage the best ever, or the lamest? Are Ephraimand L'Arachel done for?__What kind of number system does Wallace use? And how does Raq's brain work? Find out right now! I mean, never! Sometime, anyway._

**Chapter 13 is done! Rejoice, peoples!**

**Rath: The KKB's gonna get me, the KKB's gonna get me, the KKB's gonna get me, the KKB's gonna get me, the KKB's gonna get me...**

**Heath: Join the paranoia club. You don't happen to have any elms on your person, do you?**

**Will: I do.**

**Heath: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!**

**Will: Sucker...**

**Wil: So how _do_ you tell the difference between my name and yours?**

**Will: Well, you just-**

**TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 14**


	14. Chapter 14: Worlds Collide

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

_Chapter the Fourteenth-Worlds Collide

* * *

_

"Yes!" Lyn exclaimed as they crested one last hill to come within sight of Badon Port. "We made it with no more attacks!"

"Don't be so sure," Heath said, looking behind him fearfully. "Dan's probably going to try and kill us just before we get there, for effect. Once we're within a few dozen yards, all nine hells will break loose."

Lyn surveyed the distance. "I'd say we are within-" Before she could get further, all nine hells did indeed break loose. Wallace went flying as the Kill-Kill-Blade sprung to action, breaking from its bonds in seconds and flying at Rath, who shrieked and began fighting it again. At the same time, Lucius, Dan, and somehow, Denning entered one end of the mobile camp, ready to cause havoc. "Battle stations!" she yelled, drawing her sword and charging at Dan.

"Where are the battle stations again?" Kent asked, drawing his sword and sprinting to his horse.

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'" As everyone stared at the somehow-resurrected morph, he draw his Silver Bow hastily and fired an arrow--neatly hitting Karilla in the chest; he/she fell soundlessly. Dorcas and Kent moved in to fight him off--again--and the mages confronted the demon-possessed Lucius. Meanwhile, Dan went straight for Lyn.

The evil Tactician drew his evil swords--they pulsed evilly with evil darkness just as they had when he stabbed the not-evil Florina; she couldn't afford to be hit...evil.

"This is your last stand, snorer!" Dan said, charging at Lyn. She was immediately overwhelmed, and lost ground rapidly to his furious and skilled attack. Suddenly, a new swordsman joined the fight...or rather, swordsgirl; if was Florina.

"Florina!' Lyn said, ignoring for now the fact that she was about to die or worse. "You should bei n bed!"

"I heard what was happening, and knew I would never forgive myself if something happened to you while I was just lying around!" Her friend's eyes seemed strangely wide; she had obviously taken some Hyper-Coffee before the battle, and was almost Dan's equal with the Durandel.

Despite the reinforcements, Dan was undaunted. "You foolish, stupid girl! Don't forget that I control you!" He slackened his assault to send the primal command to Florina mentally: _kill, kill, kill, kill, kill..._

Florina immediately received the message. "Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill," She chanted in a low voice. "Kill DAN!" She went into a frenzy and attacked Dan with furious speed.

"Flurn!" Between the two sword-slashing women, even Dan was outmatched. He began to be the one losing ground. Quickly realizing he couldn't win, Dan appeared to back off and give up, but at the last second hurled one of his swords to strike Lyn in the shoulder.

"No..." Lyn collapsed, knowing that if Karilla died, she had little hope of avoiding losing herself completely to Dan's control.

"LADY LYNDIS!"Florina screamed in a Hyper-Coffee and killing frenzy-induced rage. "You ba...basta...ba...ba-ba...dastard!" She charged at Dan and struck his remaining sword so hard he was knocked off his feet. As she prepared to cleave him in two, he went into monologue mode, magically having enough time to say everything in less than a second like all good anime-style characters do.

"Flurn!" He cursed again. He looked at his allies and saw that Dorcas and Kent had slain Denning, while the mages were casting some kind of spell to seal Raq'Na-Thuk away. "Activate super-emergency-escape spell C!" He recited a quick incantation, and all three of the villains vanished to leave only the Kill-Kill-Blade. After Cerk and Eddie subdued it with another anti-magic spell, the battle was finally over.

"GAAAAAAH!" Florina screamed in rage. "WHERE'D HE GO? WHERE'D HE GO?"

"Calm down, little one," Bartre said, neatly putting her out with a Sleep Staff.

"I-It's over?" Lyn asked, clutching her shoulder.

"Yes..." Cerk replied thoughtfully. "But how did he manage to return Denning to life?"

* * *

Dan, Raq, and Denning materialized in a hastily restored section of the dragon ruins on Valor Isle. Right in front of a bathing Nergal, in fact. The sight was enough to override Denning's internal programming; he cried out in a strange accent.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! MINE EYESES! Oh, and this is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

"We're _on_ the Dread Isle, and I am your Lord Nergal, you fool!" The bathing, not-so-beautiful master of evil said angrily. "Dan, I take it this means you failed?"

"Yes...sir," Dan replied, struggling to keep the frustration of out his voice.

"Idiot! Even after I taught you to harvest quintessence and revive Denning, you fail me again?"

"Lord Nergal, I take absolutely no responsibility for any of this. It totally wasn't my fault. The, like, came at me from behind and stuff."

"Insolent imbecile! _You_ were the one who had to send Florina into a killing frenzy, against yourself! _You_ were the one who failed to ambush them in the middle of the night, instead of when they were making creepily accurate predictions about how you'd attack right then and there! And _you_ were the one who forgot to reapply the control spell to your swords!"

"FLLLLUUUUUUURRRRRN!"

* * *

"How is Florina?" Lyn asked the mages outside a hotel they'd rented in Badon to stay the night.

"Don't worry," Eddie reassured her. "Dan tried to control her again, but she was fine, if a little more traumatized, after waking back up."

"Good," Lyn sighed. "And Karilla?"

"Not good," Cerk said sadly. "We estimate he-or-she'll take a few weeks to recover fully from the arrow wound and regain the use of staves-I mean, his arms.

Lyn was outraged. "What? I thought with modern magic, you could heal people instantly!"

"Yes, but Karilla is different. She...uh...she...Eddie, why don't you handle this one? I think my casserole is burning." Cerk swiftly left to enter the inn.

Eddie, unfortunately, was just as speechless. "Uh...um...I'd better go help Cerk." He also left.

"Well, I'm doomed..." Lyn lamented. "I'd better leave for the wilderness so I don't kill anyone when Dan starts controlling me..." She walked off into the night, shedding a few tears of sorrow. "At least my shoulder feels good for now..."

* * *

"Denning, next time, clean your accursed practice healing spells off my sword when you're done! You've cost me a minion!"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

"Augh..." Dan turned to Nergal. "Please give me another chance, sir! I can go slash'em all in their sleep!"

"You've failed me for the last time, Dan!" He braced himself for the Dark Druid's wrath. "At least on the mainland. I need you here to organize our final defense of Valor while I prepare to summon my dragons. As for you two..." He turned to Denning. "We can get a bit more fun out of you. Return to the mainland and continue annoying them." He waved his hand and teleported Denning back. "And Raq...Your usefulness here is done."

**_Very well...I shall return to the land of Magvel. I heard my brother is planning something big there. _**Without warning, Lucius returned to normal, slumping to the ground unconscious after his levitation. Several Black Fang elite guards quickly removed him. Dan immediately left, relieved to be out of Nergal's intimidating and disturbing presence.

* * *

Meanwhile, a long time ago, some time anyway...well, a fortnight (half an hour, Tellius time),in a continent far, far away, Ephraim and L'Arachel were hopelessly lost.

"I suppose civilization is just over that hill, which is exactly the same as all the others," the latter said tiredly.

"Sure it is!" Ephraim said cheerfully. He ran forward, and--fell into a hole directly under him as the ground gave way.

"Ephraim!" She screamed. She ran to the hole and looked down into it; at that moment it opened wider and swallowed her.

When she stopped falling, she was standing next to Ephraim in a bizarre world of stone, metal, and glass. People in strange clothing were everyone, talking into their hands and eating poisonous-looking food.

"Excuse me, good sir," Ephraim said to a passerby, "but where are we?"

"Duh, we're in New York, you weirdo" the young man said. He suddenly noticed the lance strapped to Ephraim's back. "Hey, hey, watch that thing! It could, like, impale someone!" he walked off quickly.

"Such disrespect for nobility in this new land..." Ephraim muttered. The man heard him.

"Sure, nobility, and I'm the Duke of Wellington," he chuckled.

Ephraim bowed and took on a tone of respect. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance, your lordship."

They walked off in the opposite direction, drawing numerous stares, until a bizarre-looking machine came up noisily as fast as a horse, and a man in strange blue clothes stepped out.

"I understand we have some disturbers of the peace here," he said emotionlessly. "Get in the back."

* * *

"Okay, men..." Tactician Pent said, addressing the remainder of the army. "This is our toughest battle yet. You all need to get out there...and _buy things_!"

Suddenly, Hawkeye cracked up. "I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!" he screamed, running back inside.

"Good man. Anyway, we'll need several people to go to shops!" Fiora, Heath, and Kent, three of the fastest movers, all volunteered. "Excellent."

"We'll need a team for the arena here," Cerk added. "I can heal; who will fight?" Dorcas silently raised his hand. "Very well. Eddie, Dart, and Bartre, you see about that oil. Everyone else...do-nothing positions! Now, this whole town is closing down in two fortnights, and we need to be done by then!"

"The whole town?" Sainzilla asked skeptically. "Why are they doing that?"

"To make us hurry," Cerk replied simply. "Now, move out!" He and Dorcas dashed for the arena, while the mounted units split up and headed for the shops. Meanwhile, everyone else stood around.

"So what happened to Lyn?" Hectas asked half to himself. "I haven't seen her since yesterday."

"She's probably off doing...Lyn-stuff," Guy replied unspecifically.

The mounted shoppers tore off to the nearest shop to pick up items.

"No line here, at least..." Fiora said, remembering her experience the last time she'd visited a shop.

"Quick, quick, quick, hurry, hurry, hurry!" Heath yelled frantically, vaulting off his wyvern and sprinting inside. He and Fiora were treated to another familiar sign: a .99 off sign.

"It can't fool us twice!" Fiora said, peering at the sign through the checkout line. They began carefully picking things out, each using a third of their budget. Nearly the full hour later, they stood in the checkout line, fervently hoping they'd finish before the town closed.

"Shopping a little light, are we?" asked a middle-class-looking man behind them carrying an incredibly ornate sword and shield that appeared to be gilded with diamonds; they recognized it from a high-end display of weaponry intended for lords. Just as Kent bought everything, he indicated the full sign, which had once again been obscured: 99.99 off.

"That'll be three and seven tenths coins!" the clerk told Kent.

"Hm, excellent prices..." the paladin remarked impressedly, using a newly bought Silver Sword to carefully cut a coin and handing seven tenths of it to the clerk with three others. Fiora and Heath both smacked their foreheads.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dorcas stepped into the arena, ignoring the cheering crowds and waiting to meet his opponents.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" shouted the announcer. "This match will be a special two-on-two battle!" Behind Dorcas, several guards rushed Cerk in to fight with him.

* * *

"Come on, you two loonies," the man in bizarre blue clothes said, leading them quickly down a hallway. "We have just the thing to deal with all the crazies that pop up."

"And now, on the opposite team..." The announcer paused to read a paper handed to him, squinting at the second name. "Ephraim and Li-Ar...uh, L'Ara...L... Laura!"

"That's Lara!" the Troubador shouted to him, mispronouncing her own name worse than he had.

"Wait a minute!" Ephraim exclaimed. "We're out of crazy-land! This is a regular arena!" He ran up to Dorcas. "Hey, axe-man! I am Lord Ephraim of Renais! I come in pe-" Without warning, the Warrior knocked the unpromoted Ephraim off his feet with a devastating horizontal swing.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"Ephraim!" L'Arachel screamed, running up to the wounded Lord.

"You kill the woman," Cerk said to Dorcas.

He stared at her; she reminded him of his wife. "No, you; I'm married."

"I'm married too." Cerk retorted. "You do it."

"You." Dorcas casually slashed again at Ephraim, who had been healed and was approaching them. L'Arachel screamed and healed him again.

"You."

"You. Dorcas continued striking Ephraim down every few seconds.

"You."

Ephraim managed to get a few words in before he was hit. "Gentlemean we-AIEEE!"

"You."

"You."

Ephraim was healed again. "-mean you no harm! AIEE-OOOOWWWW!"

"Wait," Dorcas said. "No harm? Terribly sorry."

Ephraim climbed back to his feet after being healed yet again from a mortal wound. "Ugh...don't mention it."

"I beg your pardon," Cerk said, "but what are you doing in an arena if you don't want to fight?"

"Well, we fell down a hole..." Ephraim began.

"And then found outselves in a strange land beyond imagination..." continued L'Arachel.

"And then a strange man said we were 'disturbing the peas' and took us here."

"A pea-worshipping civilization?" remarked Cerk. "Interesting. I'm Cerk, by the way."

"Dorcas," the Warrior said brusquely.

"I am Ephraim, Prince of Renais."

"And I am L'Arachel, beautiful, evil-banishing princess of Rausten!"

The two lord waited for their opponents to give them the necessary respect, but nothing happened. "

"...sorry, never heard of them."

Both of them, especially L'Arachel, were taken aback. "WHAT? How can you never have heard of the great theocracy of Rausten?"

"Or Renais?" Ephraim added. "Is this even Magvel...or Tellius?"

"Uh...I have no idea where those places are you mentioned, but this is Elibe," Cerk said.

"Elibe..." Ephraim suddenly remembered. "Hey, Wil used to talk about that place!"

Cerk and Dorcas both jumped at hearing their vanished friend's name mentioned by complete strangers. "Wil? Have you seen him?"

"Sure," Ephraim told them. "He appeared on the _Davros_ with us around two weeks ago. Terrible bed-wetter, too. He may have been a prepromote Sniper, but he could sure fight!"

"That's our Wil, and the day he disappeared," Cerk confirmed. "Quick, come with us. You should speak to our tacticians about this." They all exited the arena hurriedly, leaving a disappointed crowd behind.

The announcer struggled to keep control. "Uh...um...great battle, huh?" He turned to his guards and said a command under his breath. "Get me out of here!"

* * *

"This is the place, all right!" Dart told the mages in his crazy prospector voice.

"Please stop talking like that," Eddie said, rubbing his forehead. Dart entered without knocking and led them through a lab filled with glass apparatuses to the back yard.

Dart greeted his grandpa in the voice. "Grand pappy, I brought some friends, hee hee heh heh!"

Much to Eddie annoyance, the old man responded in a more authentic version of it. "Oh, some more crazy young'uns! I suppose you're here for oil?"

"Yes," Eddie said curtly, anxious to be away from them. "We need five liters."

"That'll be...twenty thousand gold!" The mages were surprised.

"Why so high?" Bartre asked before Eddie could respond rudely.

"You know, foreign wars, hurricane tensions, hostile market, the usual..." Everyone stared blankly with no idea what he meant.

"Those people at the shop had better be saving some for us..." Eddie said under his breath, forking over the necessary money.

"What do these do?" Bartre asked, looking interestedly at several metal contraptions.

The man looked happy to talk about his invention. "That ones my internal combustion engine! Hee hee heh heh! It runs on oil!" He poured some of the stuff in, then yanked a cord on the side hard. The engine made a tremendous amount of noise and shook slightly, chugging with a sound unlike any they'd heard. Dart and Eddie jumped slightly at the sight.

"...what does it do?" Bartre continued.

"Just that," he said sadly. "Better than my _ex_ternal combustion engine." He indicated a section of the yard that appeared to have been scorched and blasted by a fiery explosion.

"...let's get out of here," Eddie said nervously. "Like, right now."

* * *

"They've seen Wil?" Bartre said interestedly (and slightly louder to be heard over the cacophony of the frantically closing town). "Fascinating...Dan must have changed his location the night he vanished. Wait..." He turned to Fiora, who was carrying the modest bundle of staves she'd bought and pulled a Rescue Staff from it. "With the Rescue Staff Fiora--with whom I AM disappointed for spending so little--bought, perhaps we can actually return him." He held the Rescue Staff up and concentrated.

* * *

"So, one more issue..." Will summarized, back in the capitol with the rest of the group. "Finding Ephraim and L'Arachel."

"Gwa-ha-ha!" Laughed Dozla, as usual. "I shall swim to the bottom of the ocean in search of Princess L'Arachel!"

"Okay, Dozla: Ocean." Danielle checked something off on an old-fashioned clipboard. "Everyone else: get searching in the mainland! Start in the capitol! Move out!"

Everyone split up and started canvassing the palace, then slowly leaving to search the city. Wil and Astrid, who had been whispering to each other throughout the whole speech, stuck together as they walked through the empty halls.

"Astrid..." Wil said to her as they entered a new room.

"Yes, Wil?"

"This is the room we first met in, you know." He glanced over at the portrait he'd shot, which now had a gaping hole over its right eye. (His right, Wil's left, he remembered) "Astrid, I've been thinking. A lot. Which I don't usually do. And I wanted to ask you... Will you..."

Astrid grew excited as she realized what he was about to say. "Yes...?"

"...help me fix that painting? They might get me in trouble a second time if they saw it."

Her face fell. "Well...I suppose. But first, will you..."

Now Wil became excited. "Yes?"

"...please kiss me? I've wanted to for days..."

Wil was surprised, this time pleasantly. "Oh!" _Hot dog! I thought she wanted me to take the painting off the wall! _"Okay!" Remembering all the sappy stories he'd been told about love, he took Astrid in his arms, looked her deeply in the eyes, then closed his and moved closer... He felt a wave of light wash over him. _This must be what true love feels like..._

Rolf couldn't bear to watch from the shadows anymore. _This is disgusting! I have to break those two lovebirds up!_ He ran out and tried to tackle Wil...

* * *

In a blinding flash, Wil appeared in front of Bartre, his arms creepily around the larger man's waist. Without hesitation, he kissed him passionately on the lips. Everyone watched in stunned, horrified silence.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. "Astrid, did...As...trid?" He looked around and realized where he was, then fell to his knees and screamed with his usual melodrama. "_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_"

* * *

"Eew! Gross! Get off me!" Hearing's eyes snapped open upon hearing the new voice. She saw that she had somehow kissed Rolf, of all people, instead (on the cheek, luckily). "Wil? WIL?"

* * *

"Wil, don't worry, it's all right," Hectas reassured him. "You're back in Elibe! All the undoubtedly-crazy stuff that happened in 'Magval' and 'Tellus' is over."

"Send me back, send me back!" Wil pleaded, as he had done since they'd returned him.

Hectas turned to Ephraim, his eyes narrowed. "What did you do to him?"

"N-Nothing, I swear! Well, I did try putting a diaper on him once for his condition."

"YOU FREAK!"

"Wil, what happened? Why do you want to go back?" Cerk asked him, trying to get him to stop screaming the same thing.

Suddenly, Wil blurted it all out at once. "I was on this ship and they all thought I wet the bed and I didn't and Dan's separated-at-birth triplet sister Tactician lady called me a prepromote and we had a battle and I was the best and then I took over the ship and wanted to sail it here but it went to Tellius and then we met this weird guy who couldn't talk but was stronger than Dan and a dragon put together and we went to the capitol and met Dan's triplet other thing guy Tactician and then I met the prettiest girl ever and found a secret passage when I almost kissed her and we went to Daein and that guy took the keep for us and then we found a bunch of crazy cults and went back to the capitol and I was about to kiss Astrid again when I was all-of-a-sudden here!" He took a deep, deep breath and turned to Ephraim and L'Arachel. "Oh, and they're all trying to find you two."

Everyone was stunned silent as they processed everything Wil had said.

"Wait a sec," Hectas said. "Did you say you found someone stronger than Dan and a dragon put together, who took an entire castle single-handedly?" Wil nodded.

"And did you say Dan is a triplet, and you met his two siblings who are also Tacticians? And one of them isn't a guy or girl?" Cerk continued. Wil nodded again.

"And did you say that giraffes actually like lemons?" Guy said. Wil nodded, then hastily corrected himself and shook his head. "Oh, okay..."

"Anyway, you have to send me back! Send me back to Astrid!"

"Sorry, Wil, but we used up all our Warp Staves."

"Most unfair game of tag ever," Guy added, glaring at Matthew.

"And Bartre has obtained a restraining order from you and all our other staff users are either dead or slowly dying."

"Including Serra?" Wil couldn't help but ask; Cerk nodded. Through superhuman effort, Wil managed to contain his joy and pressed his case. "Well, is there any other way?"

"I doubt it," Cerk said. "But considering the people you mentioned, perhaps we should try to bring your friends here!"

"How?"

"I can try to communicate telepathically with one of their mages, and see about arranging something."

"Ooh, ooh, put me on so I can talk to Astrid!"

"It doesn't work that way," he told the disappointed Sniper. He reached out through Wil's mind and searched for anyone who could hear him...

* * *

Soren had stayed with Danielle, Ike, Danske, and Thtupidsh in the capitol, and watched as Danielle comforted a distraught Astrid and Thtupidsh gave Rolf a military-style spanking for making Wil disappear. Suddenly, he felt a buzzing in the back of his mind. _Who's there?_

A different voice, not his own, actually responded. _Don't fear me. My name is Cerk; I'm a fellow mage. You are...Soren?_

_How do you know that?_

_Your friend Wil told me. He's with us._

_He's with you? Where are you?_

_In Elibe, Wil's native land. He's mentioned two Tacticians there who are triplets with...someone we know._

_Ah, he must mean Danske and Danielle._

_I can already notice the resemblance._

On Soren's side, Ike noticed his friend's silence as his group searched. "Soren, what's the matter? You're always distant and silent, but today you're just so...distant and silent."

Soren was annoyed by Ike's intrusion. "Well, I'm currently in a telepathic conversation with someone I've never met in a continent I've never heard of who has Wil, Ephraim, and L'Arachel with him."

"What?"

_I know, Wil was asking to be "put on" too, _Cerk said as Soren filled him in.

_Almost no one truly understands magic... _Soren agreed.

* * *

Another fortnight later,Thtupidsh ran into the meeting room with the last of the combined army in tow.

"So where's the honor dinner?" Ross asked, walking in. "Thtupidsh clearly promised me one, and...wait."

"Everyone!" Ike said loudly. "Soren has been contacted by a fellow mage who is in the land Wil, Ephraim, and L'Arachel have all ended up in! After conversing with this mage, we've decided to go to this strange land of 'Elibe' and retrieve them. Some of us will be needed in...other things, as well."

"Wait," cautioned Danielle. "Since when did we decide this? No one told me, Danske, Thtupidsh, or anyone else in authority except you! And it's not like the situation here will just resolve itself! How can we leave?"

"Got any more drinking birds, sister?" Danske asked snidely, chuckling at the thought of her plan for Magvel.

"And how would we all even get there?' she continued.

"In order," said Soren, "Ike said so, Zelgius will take control of the army until we return, and I think I can magically 'reorient' the magic tunnel to Daein to take us to Elibe."

* * *

"Hurry, hurry, let's go!" Astrid sprinted down the tunnel, eager to be reunited with Wil. "When is this tunnel going to-OW!" She rained right into the ending wall as Ike had. (Though because she was a few inches shorter, she managed to escape a concussion on the rungs)

"I've been trying to tell you," Soren said angrily, "I haven't set the tunnel yet!" He closed his eyes and communicated with Cerk for several more seconds, then cast a long spell dictated to by him Cerk, who was himself getting it from Bartre. After at least a minute of tense waiting, he finished. "Go ahead." Astrid didn't need to be told twice; she practically flew past the mage and back down the tunnel. She just ran for a few seconds, but then...

* * *

Several people jumped as a person emerged from the magical panel that Bartre had summoned in the air. She had been moving at a great speed, and the switch from darkness to light caused her to fall in disorientation. Wil was at her side in seconds.

"Astrid!" The Sniper helped her up and, while she was in his arms, attempted to get his long-awaited kiss. Unfortunately for him, Ike came through behind in and all three of them fell again. Wil could almost feel his brain frying itself in frustration. Behind Ike, at least a dozen more people emerged just as quickly to add to the pileup. Bartre hastily said a few more words and move the portal to clear ground, tripping the next person to step out. Everyone recognized her as she climbed back to her feet.

"Ahhh! It's Dan!" everyone from Elibe said. "And he grew his hair out! And started...wearing...makeup?" They all stared at the female version of Dan. Before she could respond, Danske came up, remaining standing.

"Ahhh! It's Dan again! And he started looking really, really creepy!"

"Oh, come on now, I'm not that bad," Danske protested. "I'm Dan's eldest triplet, Danske."

"Yeah, Wil mentioned you," Hectas replied. "So are you a guy or a girl?"

"Shut up," Danske said simply.

"And I'm Danielle, not Dan. His younger sister," she added.

"Weird, they're like clones of each other, only not!" Wil exclaimed.

"You just noticed that now?" Danske asked him, feigning being impressed.

"And what's with the 'Ahhh! It's Dan!' stuff? Danielle continued. Do you guys know our brother?"

"Yes...unfortunately," Cerk said. "Wil, didn't you tell them anything?"

"It never seemed like the right time!' Wil complained.

The two triplets were getting confused. "'Unfortunately?' What are you guys talking about? Isn't he your tactician? We're both tacticians."

"Well...he was," Hectas said, trying not to make it sound worse than it did.

"Was? What happened?"

"Well, we kind of...killed him. With high prices," Heath said regretfully. At this, Danielle exploded, and even stoic Danske jumped with shock.

"_WHAT?_ HE'S DEAD?"

"Wait," Danske said exercising considerable self-control. "If he is, then why are you still acting afraid of him?"

"Uh..." Cerk said uncertainly. "That's the thing. He didn't stay dead. The evil Nergal resurrected him as a morph--an artificial being made of human life energy--and now he's hellbent on getting revenge for all the stuff we did to drive him crazy. Oh, and somewhere along the way we figured out how to raise the dead and switch spirits." He pointed to Hectas. "I used to have his body."

Danielle was completely speechless, her mouth hanging open. "...so how exactly did Dan die?" Danske managed.

Another two fortnights later, the Elibians finally finished their story. Danielle still had trouble believing it. "So...now he's basically evil and trying to kill you all?"

"Exactly."

"You sick bas...ba...ba-bast...dastards!" Danielle said angrily. "What's with this place? I should kill you myself for doing this to him!" People recoiled in fear at the thought of another Dan triplet out to kill them.

"No, don't kill us!" Hectas pleaded. "Maybe you two can help us turn him good again! And if that doesn't work... Well, we'll always have this Thtupidsh guy." He stared in awe for a few seconds as Thtupidsh did one handed chin-ups with five new fans hanging onto his legs.

"Quick, everyone, let's get to the ships before they burn them!" Cerk warned. "To the docks!"

"Wait, wait, what about Lyn?" Hectas remembered. "Where is she?"

"I, uh... I..." Cerk realized his news must have made her leave the group. "She, uh, went ahead. To keep them from burning the ships. Come on, let's hurry!" Everyone followed him to the nearest vessel, the _Davros. _(The most popular ship name in Elibe and Magvel, by the way)

* * *

Lyn continued wandering miserably away from Badon. She's passed from the coastal plains into a dense but scenic forest, with green-tinted light shining through trees filled with birdsong.

_Such a shame that I'll have to go insane in such a beautiful place... _She thought. She came up to a river and was preparing to cross when she heard echoing, mirthful laughter.

"Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!" The unseen yet familiar voice drew close; on the other side of the river, Lyn could make out a red-haired figure riding a moose. _Wait..._

"Eli...wood...?" She said, incredibly confused. It was true; her old friend at atop the moose, wearing what looked like robes made of leaves.

The former lord-turned-slave-turned other slave laughed again as his mount cross the river. "That's right! ...sort of."

"Oh yeah!" she remembered. "We forgot you after that fight with Dan's people! ...sorry about that."

He laughed yet again, although the sound never seemed to get annoying. "Well, no matter! The woodland creatures have crowned me Eliwood, King of the Woods! Or just Eliwoods."

Lyn was silent, too busy questioning Eliwood's sanity to talk.

"...actually, I just made a costume and learned to hypnotize animals," he admitted.

"I should have known. Anyway, I'd better be going. Dan got me in the shoulder, and he's going to do to me what he did to Florina," Lyn looked down, resisting the urge to cry in sorrow at her position. "Any hour now I'll be an evil minion of his."

"In the shoulder, you say?" Eliwoods chuckled. "I see nothing wrong with you!" We rode up closer to Lyn, and she examined her own shoulder and gasped. "You're right, I'm fine!"

"Maybe Dan had some other spell on his swords," Eliwoods suggested.

"So now I have no idea what is going to happen to me," Lyn said glumly. "Still, I have to reunite with my group soon! They said something about Badon closing and they having to leave soon!" She turned to sprint the several miles back to the port town.

"Wait, Lyn! I can take you." With rejuvenated strength, Eliwoods took Lyn's arm and pulled her up behind him on his moose. "Onward, Maurice! Yah!" He cracked some vines he was using as reins, and the giant beast took off as fast as a horse.

* * *

They covered the distance back to the port in less than half a fortnight, passing many panicked citizens anxious to flee the city. As they neared the main gate, 'Maurice' lowered his antlers and battered it in relentlessly. Once inside, they thundered to the docks--just in time to see a distant ship vanish over the horizon.

"Flurn!' Lyn swore as the ship disappeared. "They must have left over two fortnights ago!"

"Actually, Lyn, I think they're on that ship." Eliwoods pointed to a large schooner just pulling away from the docks. Without needing to be told, his mount galloped towards it.

"Wait! Wait!' Lyn cried, trying to be heard over the cracking of hooves on cobblestones. Seeing that they couldn't get it to stop, Eliwoods tried a daring jump onto the deck--and came up 15 feet short. With a bizarre cry halfway between a bear and a horse, Maurice plunged into the water.

"Come on, Maurice!" Eliwoods said, staring into the animals eyes. "Use the skills of a salmon!" Placated through the psycho-magic of hypnosis, the moose swam rapidly after the _Davros.

* * *

_

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you at the Dread Isle.'"

* * *

_Has Eliwood...er, Eliwoods gone crazy? Does everyone have a crazy definition of a fortnight? Since when do entire cities close? Is every single ship named the _Davros? _Will Wil and Astrid ever kiss? What strange new land did Ephraim and L'Arachel enter? Is Dart's grandpappy a crazy inventor, or a mad scientist? What's with these crazy discounts? Find out in chapter half-a-fortnight, that it, 15!_

**Bartre: You _do _know that a fortnight is two weeks, right?**

**Shut up, you smart person.**

**Danielle: We're coming, Dan!**

**Will: Dan...I've been looking for him too. No idea why.**

**Dan: Yes, come, you fools! Come into our trap!**

**Maurice: Rate and review, everyones!**


	15. Chapter 15: Chapter 30: Victory or Death

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

_Chapter the Fifteenth-Chapter 30: Victory of Death

* * *

___

Dan stood with Nergal, the view commanding all of the isle of Valor.

"One day, my boy..." Nergal chuckled, "all this will be yours."

"Cool, when?" Dan asked excitedly.

"When I die, which is NEVER!" Nergal laughed bone-chillingly. "Anyway, look: they've arrived." From above, the two could see a tiny ship landing on a distant coastline. "Prepare the defenses immediately and redeem yourself, my minion."

"Yes, master... By the way, what are we standing on?"

"You fool, now it-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" They both fell down, down, down--then Dan woke up, breathing heavily. On a racetrack. He must have dreamed while sprinting, and fell again from the disorientation--only to wake up again.

"Oh, forget it," Dan muttered to himself, deciding to catch a bit more sleep before really preparing the defenses.

* * *

"Okay, stand back!" Bartre warned, holding a bucket full of the precious oil. Putting on Cerk's monocle and spare monocle for safety, he tossed the oil onto the chained Kill-Kill-Blade. As soon as the two touched each other, the blade emitted a piercing screech rivaling that of Serra. Everyone covered their ears as the blade went through its metallic death throes...then, after 20 seconds, it was over. Only a puddle of metal was left of the fearsome sword. Everyone cheered, but Dart ran up to break the mood.

"Everyone, I can't find Lyn!" he exclaimed. "I haven't seen her since last night; I think we forgot her on the mainland! Same with Eliwood and Karilla!" Bartre smacked his forehead.

"We still have plenty..." Danielle said. It was true; with nearly three Fire Emblem games' worth of characters, the ship was packed with people. So packed that Soren had to intrude on Wil and Astrid's moment to escape everyone else.

"Would you two _please_ stop that?" the mage asked annoyed, sitting on some ropes as Wil and Astrid embraced. "I'm watching that ship that took off ahead of us. What is it doing?" He pulled out a telescope and watched. It appeared to have landed at the beach, miles ahead. "Wait, that flag... A pizza ship!"

"PIZZA!" Wil cried, breaking away from a near-kiss and diving straight off the crow's nest to attempt to swim to it...right into the deck. "Ow... I'm okay. I think."

* * *

"Mmm, mm, mmm..." Nergal said, chewing a slice of pepperoni. "I had no idea they delivered to such a remote location!"

"Yeah, Pizza Slash is amazing," Dan agreed, eating a more...exotic slice of mushrooms, eel intestine, and worst of all, stinky cheese. "It really clears up the sinuses!"

"Anyway, Minion Dan," Nergal continued, "I've assembled your troops for the final battle." The master of evil led Dan outside to the courtyard of the ruin, where a small force of Black Fang Elite awaited him. Upon seeing their masters, they all did a rigid salute and stood at attention. "These are my finest fighters and personal guard. Since the Four Fangs have...regrettably been eliminated, they will be your men." He motioned for an helmed paladin in heavy red armor riding a black horse to come up. "This is Sucram, your second-in-command. He's the most experienced fighter of the men."

"Sucram..." Dan said to himself. _Something familiar about that name... _He paused to check the image of the Black Fang's newest commander in a mirror, then pulled out his familiar player's guide and planned how best to make Eliwood's army lose...

* * *

"Okay, everyone!" Danske said, standing on a crate on the beach as everyone else ate pizza. (Luckily, they'd managed to catch the pizza ship before it left and get some) "It appears that my brother Dan himself has been put in charge of the troops here!"

"We'll be fighting our brother?" Danielle commented. "Heh, I've been looking forward to this...just don't kill him, okay?"

"There are three paths to the Dragon's Gate from here!" Danske continued. "I shall lead the Tellian troops along the northern path! Danielle will go west with the Magvellian troops! And Pent, Louise, and Cerk shall lead the northeastern division of Elibians! Any questions?"

"Do we get seconds?" Wil asked, his face covered in pizza. Everyone laughed; Danske frowned at him.

Colm gave a more serious comment. "Sorry, Tactician Danske, but you can only select 16 troops, and two of them have to be Eliwood and Nils! Everyone else will get terrible food poisoning and be unable to battle!"

Danske looked at him suspiciously. "How do you know that?"

Colm stuttered and tried to think of something. "Uh...I, uh..." Without saying any more, he turned and sprinted off as fast as he could.

"Colm, wait!!" Neimi cried, running after him.

"Okay, like I said-" Danske trailed off as the majority of the combined armies suddenly turned green. Several ran off as Colm had, clutching their stomachs.

"I am going to kill that bloody little prophet..." Danske muttered, thinking of a new plan...

* * *

Will and Thtupidsh, elected as the two strongest fighters in the group, dashed up the northeast path to clear it as a two-man army. After clearing out some weak cavaliers, they met a Sage and Swordmaster.

"Hah-hah-hah!" the Swordmaster laughed, loudly to be heard over Thtupidsh's battle roar. "We appear to be a Swordmaster and Sage, but..."

The sage continued seamlessly. "We are actually..."

"...super-secret Sage and Swordmaster, Biff Magnus Wendall and Mitsubishi!" they both exclaimed in unison. Both shrugged off the robes to reveal the robes of the other.

"...what was the point of that?" Will asked as he cast a simple resistance spell and walked up to the former Swordmaster to skewer him; Thtupidsh made even shorter work of the overwhelmed Sage-turned-Swordmaster.

* * *

Danske's group made rapid time heading due north, hampered only by a few forests. Bartre, Ike, and Karilla ran ahead, ready to deal with any sudden threats, as Wil and Astrid rode together with bows drawn to protect their tactician and Nils.

Nils sprinted to keep up with Astrid's horse, overburdened as he was. "Hey, I heard that if two people get too lovey-dovey with each other, they freaky-deaky meld together and turn into one person!"

"Uh...okay," Wil said, unsure how to respond now that Nils had turned everything awkward.

"Um...nice rhyming compound words..." Astrid managed, blushing.

Suddenly, a massive arrow at least 6 feet long made of sharpened iron flew at them too quickly for them to react. Bartre reeled back as it struck him squarely through the heart; everyone gasped at the sudden loss.

"Ouch..." he said, grimacing in pain. "That took off 16 of my 47 health!" Without bothering to remove the arrow, he pulled out a Heal Staff and healed the wound...at least, healed is as much as he could with a giant arrow through his chest. Everyone stared for a moment at his injury, then screamed as another bolt whizzed inches over Nils' head.

"Ow, that took off some of my hair!" he whined.

"Ballista!" Danske finally yelled; the three melee fighters instantly charged at the ballista as a Black Fang sniper hurried to load another bolt. He didn't have time; Karilla dashed at him disturbingly fast for a little girl and quickly disemboweled him. Bartre caught up and smashed the ballista for good measure.

"Wait, no!" Wil shouted. "I could have used that thing!"

"Oh, sorry," Bartre said. He got out his trusty Heal Staff again and, amazingly, healed the ballista to perfect condition. Wil ran up and jumped in.

"Cool! Now how do I move it..." He pressed his foot on a rope below his seat, and the whole contraption took off as fast as a horse; Astrid's was hard-pressed to keep up. "Whoah! How does it do that?"

"Magic," Bartre replied simply. Wil loaded another bolt and the party continued north.

* * *

Meanwhile, Danielle's eastern party made less progress. Consisting of herself, Florina (who had risked never sleeping again and drunk a whopping 2 drops of Hyper-Coffee for the final battle), Hectas (who had worked out ceaselessly to bulk up the former Druid's weak body), and Dozla as melee fighters and Cerk and L'Arachel as mages/healers. (They only had 5 because of the food poisoning; presumably, Eliwood was doing fine somewhere out there) Luckily, because of Danielle's deadly expertise, the deficiency didn't matter.

Just ahead, the five spotted three heavily armored soldiers standing in their way. Dozla yelled ferociously and charged at them immediately, but was quickly cut down due to his wimpy pre-promote status. More cautiously, Cerk approached them and chanted a long Elder Magic incantation; Fenrir. A deep, omnipresent hum was heard as dark flames devoured the General. Meanwhile, Danielle appeared behind a Knight and cut him down as usual while Florina ferociously battered down the last Knight's guard and ran the Durandel through a weak spot in the Knight's armor.

* * *

"Excellent..." Dan muttered as Sucram proceeded southwest, mowing through random Lycian soldiers that strangely seemed to be on the island for the sole purpose of being killed by him. None of the other Fang troops was able to even touch an enemy after his high-speed onslaught. _This takes me back to my old days of commanding an army..._ Suddenly, a familiar square of terrain rose; Sucram was leveling up! Dan waited excitedly, and...nothing happened. _A no-stat level-up!? Flurn! Where have I seen this before..._

* * *

"Eliwoods, I'm not feeling so good..." Lyn moaned, clutching her side and clinging to her moose mount's fur.

"Is Maurice making you seasick?" The woodland king asked her.

"No...I think it was those pinecones we had for lunch. Some kind of food poisoning..."

"Well, throw up behind Maurice if you must. Don't soil his coat. Besides, we're almost to Valor!"

* * *

Will and Thtupidsh continued their rapid progress to the Dragon's Gate. They come up on a small fort, from which several mounted enemies emerged. Will fired a blast of electricity to send one Cavalier falling off his mount twitching, as Thtupidsh unhorsed and killed the other two instantly. For good measure, he demolished the entire fort with several well-placed slashes.

As the dust cleared, they saw a dark shape approaching: a black-armored Paladin charging straight at them on an equally dark horse.

Dan watched amusedly as his new Paladin ran over the battlemage as he attempted to cast a spell. The incredibly strong general delivered a crushing jump attack, which Sucram managed to deflect with his amazing 26 strength. (Don't ask how he got it that high...the little haX0r)

_(A/N: The story stood at this point for over two years before being continued)_

"Magnificent, isn't he?" Nergal asked, standing beside him and using dark magic to magnify the battle. Dan might have jumped with surprise if he'd been human.

"He is, master," Dan replied. "His power is matched only by that of your morphs." He was referring mainly to himself.

Nergal looked away from the battle, in thought. "Funny you should mention that... In fact he is a morph. I created him much as I created you: from a wandering soul, killed before its time and with unfinished business in this world." Dan nodded, now understanding how the morph could be as powerful as he. "This soul, however, had to have powerful magics placed on it to control it. I believe its initial madness owed to the sheer horror of its death."

"Fascinating..."

"Of course, I really do have you to thank for this morph. You freed his soul to wander to me—"

* * *

"_I hate you!"_

_"Curse your video game-type attacks!"_

_"Why...won't...you...die!?"_

* * *

_Dan tossed the storybook aside and drew Marcus' own sword for a final blow against the wretched Paladin... He was going to enjoy this._

* * *

_NO._ The single word snapped Dan out of his flashback and he found himself running towards the unfolding battle with inhuman speed. Three words replaced it, repeating over and over: _Kill Marcus again._

* * *

After their easy early victories, Will and Thtupidsh were completely unprepared for this foe. His horse galloped as if on wings, and his long, cruel blades seemed to be in ten places at once: five each for the glaive-lance and sword he wielded in either hand. Will could barely jump out of the way of his charges, and even Thtupidsh's devastating attacks were deflected one after the other.

"This guy is untouchable!" Will said. "Let's try the two-man delta attack we practiced! On three! One...two...what is that sound?"

All three combatants heard an unmistakable cry, slowly growing. "...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Even Sucram slowed and turned to view the source of the cry. It was Dan.

"Flurn!" Will swore. "It's the fallen tactician himself!"

"Weetlweet!!" Thtupidsh cried, turning to sprint off from their combined foes. Will cast a speed spell to follow him, but they both stopped as they heard clashing metal behind them. Dan was fighting Sucram.

* * *

Danske's team continued its northern progress. As they crossed the river, a warrior wielding a great axe emerged, flanked by two brigands. Their tactician quickly gave orders.

"Ike, take the warrior; archers take the left, others take the right!"

Ike quickly moved to cut down the warrior with little more than his sheer awesomeness (and maybe a bit of help from his sword). After deflecting the warrior's chop and leaving him struggling to remove his axe from the ground, he delivered a finishing blow and, empowered by Nils' song, continued on to duel a nearby hero.

Meanwhile, Wil carefully aimed and fired his ballista at one of the brigands; the giant bolt zoomed past his shoulder and lodged in the ground.

"Nice shot, Wil!" Astrid encouraged him, covering for him by downing the brigand with several well-placed arrows.

"Thanks!" He drove the ballista over the bridge and continued on, looking for more targets.

On the other side, Karilla was having less luck. Karel's inhuman reflexes and natural speed almost compensated for her complete lack of skill with a weapon—almost. She struck at the brigand and sprung away, quickly seeing that she hadn't done much damage. Bartre immediately walked up and casually sent the bandit flying with a fatal axe blow, then continued to read a book (_Short Stories for the Battlefield_) one-handed.

"Well done!" Danske said. "I'm going to investigate those ruins; watch for Wyvern Knights!"

Hectas charged the warrior ahead; the opponent simply laughed at the sight of a mage wielding an axe. He suddenly found it much harder to laugh because of the axe cleaving his head; gasping and falling over became the path of least resistance now.

Everyone stopped at the sound of projectiles whizzing at them. Despite the barrage, they could see nothing, until Danielle stumbled upon a man in a green bodysuit covered in camouflage, looking down the scope of a strange metallic tube at them.

"Wrong kind of sniper," she said before cutting him down.

Meanwhile, Florina and Dozla dispatched two Nomad Troopers unspectacularly. Cerk emerged from a nearby temple just ahead of a rolling spherical rock, tossed aside his fedora, and sighed. "...too many references." He returned to the party, holding a talisman.

* * *

"Land ho! Onward, Maurice!" Eliwoods shouted, laughing, as his mount finally stepped onto the wet sand of Valor.

Lyn groaned. "Ugh...it was definitely the pinecones. Or maybe the leaves. How do you survive?"

"I'm not prepared to talk about that," Eliwoods responded briefly. He cracked the vines that served as reins for the moose and galloped off towards the battle.

* * *

Despite both being experienced warriors, Dan and Thtupidsh watched in awe of the unfolding duel. The clashes of the twin-wielded weapons of both combatants were at once flashes of lightning and cracks of thunder that rang through the valley. They both circled rapidly, their motions a blur; it was almost impossible to tell who was winning.

"Any idea why they're fighting?" Will asked, turning to the capfaing.

"Nung," he replied.

"Me neither. I really hope they kill each other...I'd just as soon have to fight neither."

"Mind if we join you?" Several Black Fang guards had come from the nearby fortress carrying various blankets, chairs, and rations; soon they had set up along with the two fighters to watch the epic battle.

* * *

Danske walked softly through the ruins, almost afraid to disturb these remains of the past. Light flowed through the dusty air from high windows, illuminating walls covered in ancient runes. The din of the climactic battle outside was almost forgotten in the stillness.

Suddenly, a figure approached from behind. "Well, aren't you the strange one... Danske whipped around. It was a man of the cloth—tall, with a hardened face and clutching a staff. "Forgive me for my quick judgment. I am called Renault."

The tactician was speechless to find a bishop in a place like this. "Your excellency...what are you doing here? This is a battlefield, and this temple offers little protection."

"I have come to this place to find peace...and answers," he answered.

"Forgive me for disturbing you, then," said Danske, "but since you are here and you have a name, and you aren't a boss, you are clearly meant to join us. Come along."

"Aw..." Renault shook his head disappointedly and followed the tactician out of the temple.

* * *

"I can see the temple!" Ike shouted as he absentmindedly cut down a bishop. "We're almost there!"

"It's almost the end..." Bartre said, shooting down a Wyvern Knight without looking.

"I bet Nergal himself is there..." Wil said to Astrid, shooting an archer on a rival ballista through the head from 300 yards.

"Nergal..." Renault muttered to himself as he wrestled a wyvern to the ground and strangled it and its rider with each bare hand. He turned to the other staring troops. "...I used to be a mercenary."

Danske and Ike led the way over another bridge and along a ridge as the crumbling temple drew nearer. Inside was the dragon's gate...

* * *

Danielle dashed to the north, leading the rest of her team towards the dragon's gate. Suddenly, the color of the rugged landscape all around her seemed to invert. The sky turned an eerie brown; everyone's skin became a dark turquoise and the grass turned pale pink. Everyone froze, confused and disoriented. A brilliant light began to grow around Dozla—corresponding to a deep darkness in the world's normal color scheme. He quickly jumped out of the way as it continued to grow; suddenly with a flash everything returned to normal except for a crater where he'd been standing.

"Eclipse!" Cerk shouted. They looked up ahead to see the culprit: a particularly sinister-looking shrub. Or maybe the dark-robed druid standing next to it.

"Gwa-ha-ha! I dare ya to try that again!" Dozla shouted, hefting his axe and approaching the spellcaster.

The druid simply resonded by raising the oversized arms of his robes and moaning in an attempt to be spooky. "Ooooooohhh...ooooooooooo! Fear my terror!" The world inverted colors again and a stream of black flowed from Dozla into the mage, who began to glow and float through the air at then. "I am invincib—gaaaaak...farewell, cruel world..."

"Sorry..." Florina apologized, looking down at the druid's corpse.

Danielle ran past her, continuing to lead her team on. "The temple is right ahead! Across the bridge, hurry!"

* * *

The epic duel seemed only slightly less epic half a fortnight into it. The clash of the foes' weapons beat out a rapid and chaotic rhythm; it was hard to even keep up with their frenetic fighting. Suddenly Dan decided to try something new. He shifted his attack down, making it harder for Sucram to block his slashes. In a few moments, a giant black rectangle and a deafening _bleep_ replaced Sucram to censor out the inevitable animal violence that was taking place. When it cleared, the Paladin was on foot, his black horse nowhere to be seen.

Without a word, he tossed aside his now-cumbersome lance and went berserk, swinging his longsword with both hands. Despite his advantages in weapons, Dan couldn't withstand his opponent's power. He circled and jumped around, trying to find any kind of weak spot on the twice-resurrected scourge, but none presented itself. _Flurn...what did Lord Nergal do to him?_

But Sucram's winning streak was short-lived. Dan gave a savage yell, with ages of pain and hatred on his broken voice, and redoubled his attack. Through the sheer fury of his attacks, he steadily drove Sucram back, seeming to be relentlessly slashing with four arms. What made him angriest with Sucram—no, Marcus—was not his past offenses as a prepromote or his stealing Dan's job as tactician, but simply his newfound strength. He showed no sign of weakness or fear, pressing on almost mechanically. Perhaps Dan was more envious than vengeful. He was too angry to find out.

"WHY...WON'T...YOU...DIE!?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Will and Thtupidsh, not wanting to be around when one of the opponents finally won, discreetly said goodbye to their spectating companions, downed a bit more ale, and slunk off toward the temple.

* * *

Limstella stood stonelike at the entrance to the temple as the three groups converged on her. Only her eyes moved, glancing at each one. Fools, all of them. They would be no match for her and certainly not for Lord Nergal. She began doing mental calculations in her head, and as soon as one of the fools approached within 30 meters, she immediately waved her hand and encased the victim in ice.

"Danielle!" Danske shouted. A gleaming ice sculpture now stood where the female tactician had been.

"You'll pay for thaaaaaat!" Hectas shouted. He raised his axe and charged at her—only to become another sculpture right next to Danielle.

Wil got off his ballista and thought. "Hey, I wonder..." He walked up to Limstella, right behind his frozen companions. She did not move, only watching him intently. He pulled out an arrow and drew a line in the dirt next to where they stood. Still she didn't move. He put one foot beyond the line; she immediately began casting Fimbulvetr and he stepped back, causing her to stop. "Aha..." He pulled a longbow from his back and, twirling his arrow as he loaded it, fired a shot from beyond the line that hit her squarely in the head for a grand total of...3 damage...

"What!?" Stupid damage system..." Wil walked off, kicking some dirt in frustration, and was soon comforted by Astrid.

"Allow me," Cerk said, stepping up to the line. He strained with concentration, a vein on his forehead bulging, as he attempted to cast Luna from the vast distance of...31 meters, or about 2.066667 spaces. He grunted with effort; it slowly evolved into a yell as he focused seven orbs of dark energy around him. For the heck of it, his purple hair defied gravity and significantly increased in volume with a _shoompf_ as he fired the attack at Limstella.

"Nooooooo!" the morph screamed extremely uncharacteristically. "I'm melting...melting..." She vanished, leaving only her robes to sink to the ground.

"Well done!" Danielle said, running up to him. "The way to the Dragon's Gate is open...hey, what happened to Dan and Sucram?"

"...you'll see," Will told them.

"Ongward!" Thtupidsh cried, leading them all back to the dueling ground.

* * *

When they arrived at the valley, the crowd had grown to include every enemy on the map, including all the scheduled reinforcements. They had split off into two cheering camps supporting the fighters and were executing various planned maneuvers to motivate their champions.

"Let's go Dan, let's go! Let's go Dan, let's go!"

"Suuuuuuucraaaaaaam...Suuuuuuuuucraaaaaaaam..."

The heroes were as much in awe of the morphs' crowd following as they were of the fight itself. Each combatant was executing increasingly crowd-pleasing maneuvers; Dan was doing triple flips in the air before striking and Sucram was somehow throwing his sword like a boomerang.

Suddenly someone from Sucram's side threw a tomato at Dan. With creepy reflexes, he caught it abd threw it into the air, then in a blur of slashing cut it into slices before it fell. His side went wild and he raised his blades in appreciation of them—until Sucram's longsword emerged through his torso. Everyone in the makeshift arena gasped.

"Dan!" his siblings simultaneously cried.

Stoically, Sucram withdraw his sword and planted it in the ground next to him. Dan slowly turned to him, gasping for breath, his face contorted by hatred but his body too weak for one last scream. He was only able to mutter out his last words. "I...hate...you..." As Sucram's section of the crowd went wild, Dan sunk to the ground and died (again).

Sucram raised his visor, revealing the familiar face of the prepromoted Paladin with renewed youth, jet-black hair, and gleaming yellow eyes. Despite the battle he'd just been through, no emotion was visible on it. "I know."

* * *

_Is this finally the end of Dan? Is Marcus—er, Sucram—really the better fighter? Will the duel turn into a full-fledged spectator brawl? Is Hectas the most beautiful ice sculpture of them all? How _does_ Eliwoods survive? What did Colm feed everyone? And, most importantly, what will they find in the Dragon's Gate besides dragons and a gate? Find out in the penultimate chapter 16!_

**Will: That's right, it's actually back.**

**Yep. I have plenty of time this summer.**

**Wil: Seriously! I shot her right through the head!!**

**Yeah, well, this isn't Goldeneye.**

**Wil: Come on...**

**Bartre: The ending of one adventure is the beginning of another.**

**What?**

**Bartre: Sorry. I just read that in **_**Wise Words for Chapter Endings**_**.**

**...wow. If anyone is still following this story, rate and review!**


	16. Chapter 16: Family Reunion

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

_Chapter the Sixteenth-Family Reunion_

* * *

Both siblings couldn't restrain themselves at the death of their brother. "Dan!!" Danielle and Danske ran through the assembled crowds to the body of the tactician.

Danielle lifted up his head. "Dan...you're dead...again...um...yeah. This is kinda awkward."

Danske almost offered a slightly more profound comment. "Brother...I was too late to...to..." They both wept until their bittersweet family reunion was interrupted by Sucram.

"Black Fang!" he barked in Marcus' voice. "I assume control of this army. Retreat and regroup at the temple! All your leftover snacks shall feed Lord Nergal's dragons!" Talking and grumbling amongst themselves, the spectators gathered up their food and blankets and followed the dehorsed Paladin back to the Dragon's Gate.

As the valley emptied, the other party members approached the siblings. "Danielle, Danske...I am truly sorry..." Will attempted to comfort them.

"I am sure he's in a better place," Cerk added.

Bartre walked up, holding a copy of _The Afterlife: A Tourist's Handbook_. "Actually, he's—" Cerk cut him off before he could say another word.

Suddenly Renault walked up to them. "Stand back." He stood over Dan's body; the others backed away, confused. As he raised his hands, the head of his staff began to glow; Dan's body followed suit. It began to shine underneath his combat attire and floated as if underwater. Slowly the dead tactician was raised to his feet and finally he opened his eyes. The golden gleam in them was gone; he was back to his human self.

"Danielle...Danske? Is it...really you?"

"DAN!" His siblings and the other Elibians ran up to embrace him, overjoyed. Danske eventually escaped and addressed Renault.

"How...how did you...what was that?"

Renault ignored the question and closed his eyes, smiling. "Now that my usefulness in this game is finished, I bid you all farewell and good luck with Nergal." Without another word, he vanished in a poof of smoke. Danske stood dumbly silent for a moment, then turned back to the revived tactician. "Brother! Do you...have any memory of what happened after your death?"

"No," Dan said, approaching his sibling. "...why would I? I was dead...wasn't I?"

"Um...yeah, of course!" Danielle interrupted before anyone could tell him the truth. "We were just checking."

"Dan, Dan!" Wil exclaimed. "Oh man, we have SO much to catch you up on! Like when everyone switched spirits, and Serra died, and when I got a girlfriend, and got sent to Magvel, and you tried to kill everyone—"

He stopped as everyone gasped audibly.

"...what?" Dan asked quietly, in disbelief.

"Dan..." Cerk said. "You don't seem to remember it, but after you died, Nergal turned you into a morph and you tried to get revenge on all of us. You brutally murdered Marcus, and eventually Nergal raised _him_ as a morph, and you fought again and he killed you, and then Renault raised you as a human again and vanished... So yeah."

Dan wore an unreadable expression. "Not funny, guys. Not funny," he said blankly.

"Uh...yeah," Wil said. "That Cerk, doesn't know how far to take a joke..."

Cerk narrowed his eyes at him, but realized that they didn't have time to catch Dan up now and went along with it. "Sorry, Tactician Dan," she said. "That sounded much less funny when I said it."

Dan shook his head in confusion. "Right. This is all very confusing. Also, didn't Canas and Erk turn into animals and die during chapt—I mean, the battle at the Shrine of Seals? Who is Cerk?"

"It's a long, long story," Bartre sighed. "Also, Marcus has been resurrected as the morph general of Nergal's army."

Dan grinned with malice. "Get me a weapon. The opportunity to kill him again...This is a good day to be alive..." Ike handed him a spare silver blade. (He had several on his belt due to his awesomeness)

Suddenly Eliwoods rode up on his moose, dressed in his forest regalia. Lyn still rode behind him, staying as still as possible to avoid gagging. "Hey guys," he said cheerfully. "What did I miss?"

"Not as much as we have, apparently," Hectas said, gaping at Eliwoods' new mount and attire.

Then the forest king/animal whisperer saw Dan. "AAAAAH! DAN!!"

"Why is everyone acting so strange around me!?" Dan demanded.

"Don't worry, he's fine," Cerk reassured them. "I'll explain later."

"Anyway, let's go! On to the Dragon's Gate!" Eliwoods said, quickly retaking his role as acting leader of the party.

As they re-approached the temple, they sighed. Sucram had his army hard at work fortifying it. Without hesitation, Thtupidsh began his scream and quickly routed the defenders before finding himself up against Sucram again, with Will quickly joining him.

Dan quickly followed. "Leave him; he's mine!" he shouted, laughing maniacally in a way disturbingly familiar to everyone in his party.

"Fool," Sucram said, breaking away from Will and Thtupidsh to fight him. "I'll enjoy killing you again."

"You'll have to kill me the first time, Marcus!"

Sucram hissed with delight (and heavy breathing) as he engaged Dan, quickly driving the mortal tactician back. Dan went wide-eyed with fear as he realized the extent of the morph's new powers. "Oh, didn't any of those fools tell you—"

"Sucram, you big flurnhead!" Danielle shouted, interrupting his plot development just in time. "You may be stronger than before, but with all three of us united at last, you're no match for..."

"The power of love and family!" Danske finished. Dan ran back to join them in a pose as Sucram watched incredulously. They began a series of elaborate dance moves and acrobatics as the background shifted to a shower of rose petals, ending in a human pyramid with outstretched arms.

"Dan!" Dan shouted.

"Danielle!"

"Danske!"

"SUPER PYRAMID FAMILY POWER BLAST!!!" they all shouted together.

"What are you—AAAAHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOO..." Sucram was swept away and vanished in the cheesy rose petal background, which then faded as the siblings regrouped.

"VICTORY AT LAST!!!" Dan cried, raising a fist.

The rest of the party was speechless. Finally, Kyn asked, "...what was that?"

"We used to practice," Dan explained, finishing his victory dance.

They noticed the rest of the soldiers had fled to within the Dragon's Gate. "Onward, men and women!" all three tacticians said in unison. "Jinx!" Danielle exclaimed, earning a punch in the shoulder from Dan.

_

* * *

_

What awaits them within the Dragon's Gate? What has Nergal been up to? How will Dan react to the truth? How was my Sailor Moon parody? Who is Renault? Find out next time!

**Dan: AT LAST MARCUS IS DEAD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I wonder what he was about to tell me before we banished him to the gigaverse?**

**Cerk: Probably how much he hates you, or something.**

**Dan: Yeah, I bet. We totally stuck it to him! So what else happened while I was dead?**

**Cerk: Edd-er, Sain and I have invented the most fascinating beverages!**

**Lyn: Oh, also, Serra is dead.**

**Eliwoods: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAA!!**

**Dan: My two greatest enemies gone!? I love this party now! 'Tis a shame the game—I mean, quest is almost over!**


	17. Chapter 17: The End

Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

* * *

_Chapter the Seventeenth-The End

* * *

_

Maurice's hooves clacked deafeningly on the stone-tiled floor of the temple built around the Dragon's Gate as Eliwoods led the party deep inside.

"Onward, men and women! Onward to victory! VICTORY!" Eliwoods coughed softly; it was at least the tenth time he'd shouted his rallying cry.

"With all due respect, Eliwoods, shut up," Lyn said, panting at the exertion of charging through the corridor for so long.

"I must say, some of the drama of this moment has faded," Danske admitted.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Nector pestered.

Eliwoods stroked his nonexistent beard for a moment. "Hm...halt, men! And women!" He held up a leafy hand and the party stopped. "Clearly some manner of devious hex has been laid on this corridor! By Maurice's reckoning, we've traveled over twelve gnuh's!" Noticing the blank stares, he continued. "Moose unit of measurement. Roughly a fiftieth of a league. Athos! What do you make of this?"

The ancient mage approached him, the only non-mounted of the party who wasn't winded due to his having teleported. He stroked his very-much-existent beard as his staff glowed softly. "Mmmmm...mmmmm-mmmmm... Sorry, I was eating an orange." He tossed a peel aside. "Hmmmmmm...I believe that Nergal has laid some kind of insidious plot device—I mean, curse on this hallway to make it continue thusly. I should be able to break it within a fortnight."

"Then we beseech thee to do so, mighty Athos," Eliwoods said. The Archsage knelt and meditated. "The rest of you: prepare yourselves!"

* * *

The tacticians three sat apart from the party, shielding Dan's player's guide from view of the other units. "Okay, this is it," Dan told his sister and sibling. "We have to fight morph versions of lots of old bosses. We get to use the lords, Nils, seven other units, plus Athos."

"In short: let's do this," Danielle added.

"Right," Dankse confirmed. "I say we use Dan, Thtupidsh, Wil, Cerk, Bartre, Ike, and Dart."

"Uh, okay, whoever they are," Dan said. "Go me!" The tacticians confirmed his decision with fist-bumps before getting up to return to the rest of the troops.

* * *

"Wil..." Astrid said, tearing up. "This is really it...we're fighting Nergal. What...what if one of us doesn't make it?"

Wil held her close. "Astrid...I will always be there to protect you. Well, unless they kill me. So...don't get your hopes up. I have to go restring my bow, wish me luck!" He ran off without another word.

* * *

Florina held the Durandel out in front of her, trying unsuccessfully to stop her heart from racing. _This is really it. The day I've been training for...I hope I'm strong enough. _She took a deep breath and went through some practice forms. _I can do this...everyone is counting on me...I can do this..._

"Florina!" Eliwood exclaimed; she stopped suddenly. The Lord was dressed in his normal garb once more, the picture of heroism. "There you are! The tacticians are sending me in, since I'm the rightful wielder of the Durandel and all. Thanks for taking care of my sword all this time. I've been beefing up with Bartre's help so Dan will use me. Wish me luck!" He took the sword from her hands and walked off, giving it a few practice swings.

She stood there for several minutes, speechless._ ...what now?

* * *

_

"Well, whoever-you-are, looks like this will be our last hurrah, for better or worse," Dan said. He had to tilt his head back and speak loudly to reach Thtupidsh, who was currently the top of a bizarre human tower consisting of him doing chin-ups from a high iron bar, Wallace (in full armor) holding onto his legs and doing chin-ups, and Dart doing chin-ups from Wallace's legs. The burly trio relished this exercise whenever they managed to find a tree branch that could support their combined weight.

"You can thay thag againg," Thtupidsh replied, nodding and breathling completely normally.

"Uh, no thanks," Dan muttered, practicing with his swords.

* * *

Nearby, Cerk sat with his nose in a thick elder magic book. "Bartre, are you acquainted with this Nixlzod spell?" he asked the nearby axeman/mage-type.

Bartre held an even thicker book in each hand and was somehow reading one with each eye. "Hm? Yes. Intimately. Are you acquainted with the epic of Helmheim and Troja?" He held one book up slightly. "The fairy tales of Ackelm?" He held up the other book.

"...no." Cerk shuffled off with his tome, rendered speechless yet again by the inexplicable crazy-man.

* * *

"Uh...Danske?" Ike asked, walking up to his tactician. "After this is all over, how do we get back to saving Tellius?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Danske replied. "My sister recommended someone to me to take care of things."

Somewhere in Tellius, some soldiers used lances to pry open a man-sized crate. Inside, a shadowy figure dipped its beak in water...

* * *

"Success!" Athos cried before any more side conversations could occur. The hallway ahead seemed to shorten considerably and a doorway became visible ahead.

"Onward, men and women! Onward to victory! VICTORY!" Eliwood held the Durandel forward with his mysteriously-restored strength and reared up on Maurice, who brayed atonally. He then charged forward to victory! ...or not.

They slowed to a walk as they entered the enormous hall containing the Dragon's Gate. They hadn't been here since after chapter 19.

"Uuuuggggh, not those stairs again!" Wil groaned. After a long corridor, several hundred steps led up to the gate, which pulsed ominously. At the bottom of the stairs stood a dark figure—Nergal.

"Welcome, fools," Nergal cackled. "You've found me at last. Come to watch my final victory?"

"The game is up, Nergal! You're screwed!" Dan shouted across the hall.

Nergal laughed more heartily than anyone would have expected from a five-hundred-year-old. "On the contrary, my former minion!" Everyone gasped. "I was going to send my supreme morphs at you one by one, but then I had a flash of brilliance and realized they might actually stand a chance if they all attacked at once. Have fun!"

Dan had no time to think about what Nergal had said; the six doors in the hall opened at once and familiar-looking morphs emerged.

"This isn't in the guide anywhere!" Danielle shouted, flipping furiously though the player's guide.

Lyn turned to Dan. "Here they come! What do we do!?"

"RUN AWAY!"

The entire party bolted back down the hallway, with the fliers carrying some slower units.

"Any semblance of a plan?" Eliwood asked Dan, riding alongside him.

"I think so," the tactician answered. "I need Priscilla and Matthew!"

A sixtieth of a fortnight later, Matthew, Sainzilla, and Prikarel were at the front of the line of cowards (they couldn't decide which one he'd meant).

"Matthew, I need you to visit the secret shop in the ruins and get a Life Staff, then meet me and Priscilla as soon as possible."

"Ignoring the fact that you keep getting Sainzilla's name wrong, what are you planning!?"

"Something I never thought it would come to," the tactician said grimly. He turned around. "Meanwhile, mobile units: distract the super-morph guys as long as you can!"

"What about zombie Uhai?" Fiora asked worriedly. She was answered with a shrug from Dan and sighed.

* * *

A fortnight later, Dan and Prikarel returned to the site of his epic battle with Sucram. The latter was still confused at actually being used ever since the spirit shuffle incident, since Dan wouldn't say what he was planning.

"Almost there. Now would you stop following me and get Priscilla!?"

"I am Priscilla! It's a long story..." Karel's voice said.

"I'll believe it when you use a Life staff."

"On whom?"

"...him," Dan muttered. They were standing over Sucram's corpse.

Matthew finally came running up. "Alright, I got the staff, now what...no." He stared down at the corpse in front of him.

"Yes," Dan sighed. "Whoever-you-are, revive him. I hope this works..."

Prikarel took the staff and held it over the fallen paladin. "Plot device! ...sorry, I have no idea where that came from."

As the staff shone, Sucram was raised back to life as usual. He opened his eyes...

"YOU AGAIN!" He picked up a sword and attacked Dan, who easily parried. Having been dead can mess with your concentration, after all.

Dan managed to disarm his three-time opponent. "Wait! I'm not trying to kill you anymore."

"Well, that's a switch. That...story...will forever haunt my memories."

Dan was naturally confused; he'd been a morph the second time he'd killed Marcus. "What story?"

"Nevermind that," Matthew hastily interrupted. "Dan, what's your master plan?"

"Marcus...since you seem to be him once again, not Sucram...I need you."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe," the paladin scoffed.

"No, for serious!" Dan handed him a silver lance. "After all my attempts to kill you, I need you to take this and go do what you do best!"

Marcus stared at the weapon for a moment. His expression briefly became unreadable before reverting to his usual battle-hardened one. "...thank you." Without warning, he somehow grew a new horse between his legs in a process too grotesque to describe, then rode off.

"Godspeed, Marcus; godspeed," Dan said. "What am I doing..."

* * *

Back at the Dragon's Gate, the battle was not going well. The fliers were doing their best to avoid the superpowered morphs, with Heath attempting to distract Uhai with his Delphi Shield. Powerful as they were, the morphs seemed slow-minded and were easily distracted.

"Me eat quintessence..." morph Brendan moaned, chasing after Fiora.

"Sure you do, zombie-Brendan." The falcoknight half-rode, half-flew away from him...straight into morph Lloyd. "Ahhh! Fear my weapon advantage!" She raised her silver lance, but he soon split into five copies, each with a Regal Blade. "Oh, flurn."

"Ha-HAH!" Marcus came up the hall from behind at full speed, skewering all five Lloyds in succession and picking up the real Regal Blade as he went.

Fiora almost fell off her Pegasus. "...sir Marcus!?"

"Don't steal my kills!" he shouted back as he threw the Regal Blade like a boomerang to decapitate morph Brendan.

* * *

Half a fortnight of ridiculous violence later, Marcus had eliminated all the morphs and gained *gasp* one strength! 10 more and he'll be decent!

Back at the entrance to the gate chamber, Dan hung an improvised medal around Marcus' neck. "Thank you, Marcus, you saved us all, blah blah blah, now go ride into the ocean or something. Everyone else: onward!"

"VICTORY!" Eliwood cried reflexively, leading the party back to the gate.

Just behind him, Dan shared his player's guide with his siblings again. "Okay, let's send Cerk and Athos with Luna against Nergal. He should be pretty easy."

"Right! Go team!" They exchanged fist bumps again as they reentered the inner chamber.

Nergal was waiting for them, unsurprisingly. "Hello, fools. I got bored waiting for you all to stop being cowards, so I summoned a bunch of dragons. Have fun!" He raised his hands and dozens of dragons charged down the stairs around him.

Dan threw his player's guide onto the floor, not even bothering to hide it. "Why is nothing following the guide!?"

Eliwoods reared up and raised the Durandel. "Fear not, party! We shall prevail...some...how..." He turned and had Maurice bolt out of the room.

Athos stepped forward to face them. "Hold a moment. My plot device-sense is tingling!"

"Your what?" Lyn asked.

As if to confirm his assertion, Brammimond materialized in front of them. "Plot device!" He raised his hands and gathered blinding energy in them. In a flash, Ninian rematerialized in front of them.

"Ninian!" Eliwood shouted. "You're not dead! ...wait, when were you dead?"

"Plot hole!" Athos answered.

Now Ninian raised her hands. "Plot device!!" The dragons—who, of course, hadn't reached them yet during the plot devices—were suddenly encased in ice. When it shattered, all but one of them collapsed.

Eliwood dismounted and walked up to her. "Uh, you couldn't possibly take care of that last one, could y—oh, drat." She fell into his arms lifelessly. (And romantically, of course)

In unison, the three lords charged at the remaining dragon with legendary weapons in hand. Before they could reach him, Cerk was engulfed in a magic circle and cast Luna at the beast—twice. It collapsed without a mark on it.

"Seriously, guys, this thing should be a legendary weapon," the sage/druid said.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Nergal cried. "Curse you aaaaallll! Now, give me a moment to concoct a new evil plot to take over the world...hrrk!" He gasped as a thin lance emerged through his chest. "Oh, bugger." He collapsed to the ground to reveal Florina standing behind him.

"S-See!? I helped! I helped!!" the would-be heir of Roland stammered. "Didn't you all see me help!?"

"Sorry, Nergal's oversized robe was in the way," Lyn said.

Florina fell to her knees and screamed as dramatically as possible. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (you get the idea)

Ignoring the still-screaming Florina, Lyn walked up to Hectas. "Well, I guess it's over."

"No, Lyn," the lord/druid countered, taking his hood down. "I think we're just getting started..."

Lyn stared at him. "What are you talking about? We just killed Nergal and stopped him from unleashing dragons into the world! Of course it's over!"

"Right, right. Silly me."

* * *

Nearby, Sainzilla approached Athos. "Lord Athos, is there any way you could help us get our old bodies back? I miss the dashing cavalier I used to be..."

"Sorry, can't help, about to die. Huuuugh..." Without another word, the sage collapsed lifelessly and dramatically into Sainzilla's arms.

"Flurn."

* * *

Heart racing, Wil approached Astrid, who was celebrating the victory with some friends from Tellius. "See, Astrid, I told you I'd make it! ...I think."

She ran up to him. "Wil, you were wonderful! The way you ran away from those morphs and screamed like a little girl...it truly inspired me."

The sniper was turning red. "So anyway, I have to ask you something...Astrid, will you marry me?"

"Wil, I...I'm already engaged. I thought you knew...I thought we were just friends...Wil?" She tried shaking his shoulders; he was frozen, rigid as a board, with an expression of disbelief on his face. "Oh well. I liked him."

* * *

"Ninian," Eliwood said, approaching the dancer on one knee. "I know I probably should have gotten around to this earlier, but there was the whole slavery thing and all...what I'm trying to say is, I love you, and—"

"Sorry can't talk have to go home bye!" Before he could even get up, she and Nils disappeared through the Dragon's Gate, which promptly closed FOREVAR behind them.

As if on cue, Fiora approached him. "Eliwood, I'm so sorry...Eliwood?" She waved a hand in front of his face. The lord had frozen as well.

* * *

Elsewhere the three tacticians had gathered. Dan put a hand on each sibling's shoulder. "Danielle...Danske...thank you for bringing me back to life and helping me beat Nergal. My player's guide ends here, so I guess how I spend the rest of my life is up to me. I don't care too much, as long as it's with you guys."

Danielle smiled. "Aw, thanks Dan."

"But I've been wondering something...all that stuff people keep saying about me being Nergal's servant or something... It's not _really_ true, is it?"

"Uh, no, of course not!" To cover up her nervous smile, Danielle promptly knocked Dan unconscious with her dagger, catching him as he slumped to the ground.

"You don't seriously expect to keep it from him forever, do you?" Danske asked.

"I can try! I mean, with Sir Squawk on both of our quests, we don't have to return to them."

* * *

**Several weeks later...**

Marcus limped up to the balcony of the Castle Daein, carrying the 'mad king' Ashnard's brutally serrated sword in both hands. As he stepped out over the seemingly endless, cheering crowd awaiting him below, all the trials and pain of his quest melted away. Thanks to his marvelous swimming mount, riding into the ocean had brought him to not one, but two adventures. He had saved Tellius single-handedly, no thanks to that ridiculous bird. And unlike with Magvel, this time he was sure he would get the recognition and fame he deserved. He heard the voice of the crowd, united as one...

"All hail Sir Squawk, savior of Tellius! SIR SQUAWK!!!"

_Not again._ _Flurn this,_ he thought, turning away. _I need a drink.

* * *

_

"Yeah, they'll be fine," Danielle said. She saw everyone's favorite (and only) battlemage approaching them. "Will! Are you leaving?"

"Yeah," he said. "I need to seriously beef up my skills and arsekickery in the arena if I'm going to meet my goal: becoming the Fire Emblem representative in the next Super Smash Bros.!" He immediately wavedashed and rolled away, jumping in midair several times for good measure.

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in Tellius, the three-worshippers were three-worshipping in their triangular hut. Artur was hopping up and down three times, pausing, then repeating. Dozla was hoarsely laughing.

"Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-I-miss-Lady-L'Arachel-ha-ha."

Meanwhile, the third member of the group was missing. Suddenly, Lute burst in, her face completely white.

"What is it...my lady lemons?" Artur had been reduced to speaking only in groups of three words. At the moment he was fond of 'lemons' and 'face' to fill gaps.

"I...have just had a horrible revelation," Lute gasped. "The most perfect number is not truly three, but...**four**." Her companions froze like Wil and Eliwoods, their mouths gaping open in shock.

* * *

_Well, that's it. No further meaningless questions that wouldn't be answered anyway._

**Nector: Hey, you can pose these guys like life-size dolls! It's super-awesome!**

**Eliwood: ...**

**Wil: ...**

**Danske: Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, I'm a guy. Sorry about the confusion.**

**Cerk: 500 gold, pay up!**

**Eddie: FLURN!**

**Will: Hey guys, check out my neutral B attack! HuuuuuuuuuuuuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!**

**Everyone: *applause***

**Will: Thank you, thank you! I'm aiming for tier zero!**

**Well, folks, that's it! I'm currently throwing ideas around for a prequel; stay tuned.**


End file.
